Once an Idiot, Always an Idiot
Posted on February 13th, 2009
I’ve always been an idiot. Here are idiot stories from past episodes which aired in limited release on the old fashioned medium called MySpace. Seriously, I’m not sure how I’m even a contributing member of society.
I’m An Idiot - Classic Episode 1 “Lights Out!”
11/7/06
A few weeks ago I sat down and paid all of the household bills for October. I was paying everything all at once, instead of staggering them throughout the month. I was going to be ahead of the game.
A few days later, I went to my friend Wally’s salon and got my hair done. He did an excellent job, so I was in the process of paying him when I opened my checkbook and noticed there was a check in there that was written out to someone already, but had never been torn out.
Raise your hand if you know who sent her power bill to the power company without the payment.
That’s right, I was so proud of myself for paying the bill early, but I was too stupid to send the check with it.
I’m an idiot! (Based on the form I received from the power company in reference to my error, I am not the only idiot they have ever had to deal with.)
I’m An Idiot - Classic Episode 2 “Your mother lets you leave the house like that?”
11/7/06
A couple of weeks ago, before changing into my pjs for the night, I realized that I had been wearing my shirt backwards. All day. On a shoot. With a client.
This is not the first time I have done this. I inadvertently wore a sweater backwards once. To a job interview.
I’m An Idiot!
I’m An Idiot - Classic Episode 3 “Lock the doors, Earl!”
11/7/06
On Sunday, I called my good friend Joanna, with whom I have a rather inappropriate relationship, to let her know that I am coming to visit in a couple of weeks.
I called the home number I had programmed in my phone and left a mildly lude message on the answering machine. The answering machine that had a fairly generic message in a woman’s voice that sounded like Joanna’s.
On Monday, Joanna let me know that she had not received any messages from me on her home phone. And then repeated her phone number for me. Confirming that it was indeed not the number I had called.
Meaning, I left a sick message on some poor, unsuspecting Kansas family’s answering machine.
I’m An Idiot! (And I’m pretty sure I’m wanted for questioning in Lawrence, KS)
I’m An Idiot - Classic Episode 4 “Discrediting an Urban Legend”
12/4/06
So, here’s my story (and I’m pretty much stickin’ to it like bare thighs on vinyl in July).
It’s almost Winter and that means it’s dark now in Iowa when I leave work. But it hasn’t always been dark when I’ve left work. Just all of a sudden.
Essentially, the routine has changed. And I think I shouldn’t be blamed for being slightly slow on the uptake. It’s a genetic defect.
Apparently I can’t seem to remember to turn on my headlights when I leave work in the evening.
That’s right. Not once…not twice…but three times in the last two weeks, I have left work and driven a good 8 blocks in the dark without turning on my headlights.
Why can’t I see how dark it is and realize that turning on the lights would help me to see better?
I don’t know. I’m an idiot.
I usually can’t tell anything is out of the ordinary until I get to the busy intersection at the top of the hill and some brave soul in the opposite lane flashes their lights at me. Of course, they’re thinking, “What an idiot! Can’t she tell that she doesn’t have her lights on?! It’s darker than Britney Spears’ roots out here. Thank God I’m going the other direction. Man, they’ll give anyone a driver’s license.”
Actually, if you must know, I’m performing a public service. Every time I do this, I’m further dispelling the myth that the car you see in the other lane with its lights off is a gang member working toward his initiation. It’s not a probationary gangsta wannabe. It’s just some idiot.
Like me.
I’m An Idiot - Classic Episode 5 “Resolving to be more of an idiot?”
1/4/07
Oddly, since starting Kathy Landin’s I’m An Idiot Show, I find myself actually wishing I did more stupid things so I’d have entertaining material to post.
Why?
Because, I’m an idiot.
Do you think this is how the Jackass guys got started?
Here’s to a 2007 full of really dumb stuff.
I’m An Idiot - Classic Episode 6 “Idiotic Question”
8/14/07
Now that pretty much all cars have automatic windows, what is the international sign for “Roll down your window, please”?
There is an entire generation of people who are not likely to be familiar with the hand crank motion we old farts associate with rolling down a car window.
What do I do if I need to say something to the person in the other car at the stop light?
Why are none of the politicians addressing this important issue?
Why do I care?
Because I’m an idiot.
I’m An Idiot - Classic Episode 7 “I Just Can’t Take Me Anywhere”
9/13/07
I was recently in Denver to scout locations for an upcoming shoot. And that’s about as good as this story gets.
I traveled all morning, grabbed a quick lunch and then met my contact for the first scout. We scouted for about an hour and then I made my way to the hotel to check in and get some work done. So far so good, right?
At some point, I happened to take a look at myself in the bathroom mirror and noticed a giant ink stain on my shirt.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I had apparently spent the afternoon unknowingly writing on myself and walking around with the world’s biggest scribble art on my blouse.
Oy. I can’t take me anywhere.
I’m an idiot! (An idiot with a ruined shirt.)
I’m An Idiot - Classic Episode 8 “In Which Kathy Learns She’s Not Alone”
10/7/07
Disclaimer: This one breaks the no-outing-another-idiot rule, but it’s my rule, so I can break it.
This episode shall rank amongst my favorites. Mainly because it validates my status as an idiot by proving to me that I am not the only one. There are at least two of us and I find that comforting.
Here’s how it goes.
Last Wednesday, I ran by a large book retailer to return some books. I was scheduled to work that evening and the studio where I was working wass close to said retailer, so I thought I’d get the task handled while I was in the area. It was during this short errand that I found out that I’m not the only idiot in the world.
As a bit of back story, it is helpful to know that before I left the house, I exercised for about an hour. I’m no Richard Simmons, but I like to get some cardio going and that makes me sweaty and somewhat, umm…well, stinky. Because of the sweaty and the stinky and the fact that the people I work with at the studio can see and smell, I showered, did my hair and put on some makeup. Don’t want scare anybody.
Also, in order to paint the whole picture, it should be noted that I was wearing a well-fitted, long-sleeved tee and a pair of cargo capris that has always been good to me in the kinds of ways a girl likes her pants to be good to her.
In short, the hair was working, the clothes were working and I was even wearing lip gloss, for $*@%’s sake, when I happened to stop in at the afore-mentioned retailer. This is how I know I’m not the only idiot.
I’m pretty sure the other idiot is the guy at the customer service counter who referred to me as “sir.”
Not kidding. He said, “Sir.”
I’ll re-enact…
Kathy enters the bookstore, feeling confident in her new pink flip flops (forgot to mention those earlier). Two men, who can only be described as friendly, neighborhood bookstore geeks, look up from the customer service counter. They look expectantly at Kathy as she approaches with two books in her hand.
Geeks: (stare in unison)
Kathy: Um, hi.
Geeks: (still in unison, as though they are members of the synchronized customer service team) Hi. Can we help you?
Kathy: Yes, I need to return these books. Do I do that here or at the counter?
Geek 1: You can do that at the register.
Kathy: O.k. thanks.
Kathy turns to walk away because she catches on quickly and knows where the registers are and, therefore, needs no further assistance.
Geek 2: (as Kathy is turning to walk away) Yes, right over there, sir.
Kathy continues to walk away, realizes that she’s just been referred to as a male, stops, cocks her head to the side, chuckles sadly to herself and then continues to the register with a little extra sway in her step to make sure Synchronized Customer Service Geek 2 gets the full effect of the North end of a South-bound Kathy.
And scene.
Sir? Really?! Sir?! Hmm. Interesting.
I don’t know. Maybe he’s near-sighted.
Maybe next time I need to sport some cleavage.
Maybe I looked like Peppermint Patty. Marcy was always calling her “Sir.” Maybe he thought I was Peppermint Patty and he was Marcy and it just seemed right.
Or maybe, just maybe, I’m not alone.
Why?
Because HE’S an idiot.
I’m An Idiot - Classic Episode 9 “How to Tell an Idiot How You Really Feel”
12/12/07
Here are some quotes to help you insult an idiot in the most classy way possible. Enjoy.
‘He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.’ — Winston Churchill
‘I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.’ — Clarence Darrow
‘He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.’ — William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
‘I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.’ — Groucho Marx
‘I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.’ — Mark Twain
‘He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.’ — Oscar Wilde
‘I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend… If you have one.’ — George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill… followed by Churchill’s response: ‘Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second, if there is one.’ — Winston Churchill
‘I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.’ — Stephen Bishop
‘I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.’ — Irvin S. Cobb
‘He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.’ — Samuel Johnson
‘He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.’ — Paul Keating
‘He had delusions of adequacy.’ — Walter Kerr
‘Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?’ — Mark Twain
‘His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.’ — Mae West
‘Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.’ — Oscar Wilde
Lady Astor once remarked to Winston Churchill at a dinner party, ‘Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee!’ Winston replied, ‘Madam, if I were your husband, I would drink it!’
(The “I’m An Idiot Show” cannot guarantee the validity of these quotes and their origins. How could we? We’re idiots.)
I’m An Idiot - Classic Episode 10 “She’s Back, Baby!”
3/13/08
Start the parade, the idiot has returned! I’ve had kind of an idiocy dry spell lately, mostly because it’s too cold here and I never get out, but you’ll be happy to know that once I do get out, I’m a complete moron.
I’ve been to bars before. I’ve paid for drinks before. I know how it works. Really, I do. So why did I drink and dash not once, but TWICE last weekend? Because I’m an idiot.
Saturday night, the Nadas played to a packed house at Peoples. The stage bar was crowded so I started my tab at the outer bar, where the non-fans were trying to “converse” over the music. (And by converse I mean totally hook up.) I had a couple of drinks and stayed late to talk to some members of the Nadas Nation who I have not seen for a while (please see reference to cold in paragraph 1).
I chatted, I convinced an inebriated friend to let me drive her home, I helped carry out a few things…I left. Not once did I go back to the bar to close out my tab. Didn’t even occur to me.
It did occur to me as soon as I walked in the door at home, but that would only have been helpful if I lived at Peoples and it was 2 hours earlier.
Just wait…that’s not the end of the idiocy.
The following evening, I went to AK’s to see the fabulous Raining Jane play an intimate Sunday night show. The music was amazing, the friends were friendly and the wine totally hit the spot. It’s really too bad that I left without paying for the second glass.
In my defense, I paid cash for the first glass at the bar and the lovely server did not make me pay for the second glass when she brought it to the table. I was going to do the right thing and pay on my way out, but, due to my innate idiot-ness, I completely forgot.
Until I got home.
If only I could manipulate the time/space continuum and walk through the door at home before I leave the bar, then maybe I’d pay for a drink once in a while.
Clearly I should not be let out alone. The van from the center will be back around to pick me up in about twenty minutes.
Why?
Because I’m an idiot.
I’m An Idiot - Classic Episode 11 “The Gravity of Gravity”
3/13/08
When there is ice everywhere and it snows every third day for 4 months straight, I fall down a lot.
It’s probably pretty funny if you’re not me.
I have a tendency to obey the law of gravity.
Why?
Because I’m an idiot.
I’m An Idiot - Classic Episode 12 “Brevity May Not Be the Soul of Wit in My Case”
3/16/08
Just a couple of quickies to keep me honest…
Yesterday I fished around in my purse for my keys for a full minute with my right hand while holding them in my left hand.
Today while paying bills I traveled back in my time machine and wrote several checks in the year 2007. (And, in fact, didn’t stop doing it even after realizing it and tearing open the earlier bills to make the corrections.)
Why?
I think we all know why.
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