Idiotionary
Posted on August 25th, 2009
I’m an idiot. Therefore, I often can’t find words to describe what I’m thinking. Enter the Idiotionary. These are the dumb words I make up to communicate the idiotic thoughts bouncing around in my pea-sized brain because I’m too special for the English language.
Idiot Words
Beer Muffs: Similar to beer goggles, beer muffs are what makes it possible for me to listen to bad karaoke after I’ve had a few drinks.
A: How can you listen to these people sing? It sounds like fingernails on a chalkboard, only each fingernail is actually a baby seal being decapitated.
B: I don’t know what you mean. This is great. I’ve been drinking since 5, so I’ve got my beer muffs on. Here, have some Jaeger, you’ll feel better when you get your beer muffs soundly in place as well.
Blarghing: The process of writing a blog post about something that really burns my meatloaf.
A: How was your day?
B: Simmer down! Don’t interrupt me. I’m blarghing about all the morons in this town who don’t know how to use their turn signals. And potlucks. I really don’t like potlucks. And glitter. Stop with the glitter already, people!
Blogsessed: The affliction that has me completely obsessed with this blog, evidenced by the fact that I am constantly checking my page view stats and comment submissions. Constantly, with a capital “C.” I mean, if there was a word that meant “more often than constantly,” that’s the word I would use in this case.
A: Umm, yo drunktard, I can’t get your pizza until you tell me 2 slices of what.
B: So sorry, angry pizza dude. I am completely blogsessed and needed to check my stats RIGHT NOW. Otherwise I get the shakes and start to foam at the mouth. Which might not be that unusual here. Ooh a new comment to moderate!
Carcolepsy: (this one’s posted in the urbandictionary, but I swear I made it up before that site even existed, so I’m taking full credit) This word describes the malady whereby every time I get in the car, I fall asleep immediately. The effects of this illness are enhanced if I am driving and there is rush hour traffic. Honk if I’m sleeping.
A: Why are we sitting at this green light? What shade of green is she waiting for?
B: Looks like she’s asleep. Must be a bad case of carcolepsy. You’ve got a rubber bumper and good insurance, just push her car through the intersection.
Drunktard: We’ve all been one.
A: I really love you. You are, like, so amazing. You have pretty shoes. And a nose. You have a nose. Hey! I have a nose too! We’re nose twins. Wow! Can you believe it? This is incredible. Let’s have a shot.
B: Here’s cab fare. Make like a tree, drunktard.
Forworry: The brief moment of anxiety I always experience as I hope the snarky response to a customer email that I forwarded to a colleague who would appreciate it, didn’t also get mistakenly sent to the customer as well.
A: Oh dear God, please tell me I didn’t hit “reply to all” on that and then just send it without checking to see who it was actually going to. I’d like my goose to remain raw today.
God: You’re an idiot.
Hooterdini: Someone who has mastered the art of removing the pull-over sports bra.
A: This sports bra keeps everything in place during my vigorous workout, but I’m going to have to be a Hooterdini to get out of it.
B: Well that’s not going to be pretty. Please allow me to gouge out my eyes first.
Lapnesia: This is what happens when I forget what lap I’m on while I’m running because I’m not actually paying attention to what I’m doing. I can’t count that high anyway.
A: How far did you run today?
B: I don’t know. I got lapnesia halfway through and had to start over. Where’s the defibrillator?
Mactor Beam: The powerful tractor beam that obviously came standard on my Macbook Pro which draws me irresistibly in every time I walk past it. It is constantly pulling me away from whatever non-computer-related task I am in the middle of doing. I am powerless to stop it.
A: Weren’t you just organizing the spice rack?
B: (in a hypnotic trance) Walked by laptop. Must surf web. Or create stupid video in iMovie. Or learn about things Chuck Norris can do. (drools)
Peemergency: The sudden, split second when I go from only kind of having to go to the bathroom to really really really really having to pee RIGHT NOW. Usually triggered by complicated layers of clothing, a line at the airport or slow traffic near the rest stop.
A: Why the freak out, Hoppypants? We just made a pit stop 23 minutes ago and you were fine then.
B: I know that, but these cargo capris might as well have a three-tier, Swiss bank security clearance process and now I’m in the throes of a real peemergency. I hope my Vicki Sees are absorbent.
Polygearmist: The lifestyle I maintain, evidenced by the fact that I will be messing around in bed with my Macbook Pro while my beloved iPhone rests, ever at the ready to assist when needed, on the bedside table.
A: How can you have your hands all over that laptop when you just got done downloading on the phone?
B: Relax, Holy von Judgerson, it’s all good. I’m a polygearmist.
Procrastineting: The art of wasting time on the internet when I know full well I have better things to do.
A: How many times are you going to watch the Numa Numa guy?
B: Get off me. I’m procrastineting. I’m not looking forward to getting an accurate thread count on my sheets.
Slungover: The experience of feeling completely exhausted and immobile the morning after not having had that much to drink really.
A: Wake up already. It’s 3:47 in the afternoon. You’re missing Ellen. How much did you drink last night?
B: I only had three beers and ate a ton of food. This is inexplicable. My eyelids weigh 72 pounds a piece and I’ve lost any motor skills I once had. I must be slungover. And since when do you sound like an air raid siren?
TweetJa Vu: The strange phenomenon that causes me to feel like I have actually already tweeted what I am about to tweet.
A: Why are you looking at your computer like it just told you it misses New Coke?
B: I was just going to tweet about how delicious this falafel kabob is and I have an overwhelming sense of TweetJa Vu. Have I ever even had a falafel kabob before?
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