Breaking the News - February 11, 2011
Posted on February 11th, 2011
The Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s “I’m an Idiot” Show realize it can be lonely in Congress, but pretending to be a lobbyist is never the answer. Also, we’re all a little worried that it’s possible to be too stupid to have sex. Oh, and make sure you bring your Bean-O with you on your text trip to Malawi.
The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators: @joeschmitt, @arjunbasu, @almostfancyblog, @bedheadblonde, @blobert, Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW, @davio1962, @donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @formerlycarrmah, @goldengateblond, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch, @iamnotdiddy, @iowaradioguy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @northpacific, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslich Sam Battin, @ShawnaShawna, @slag_mag, @succitaM, @TheInfamousGdub, @thejohnblog, @unfnshdprsn, @yayaa.
For the actual stories
Happy Friday. Here are some headlines from this week. Sort of.
In our top story, Republican Representative from New York, Chris Lee, was caught sending a semi-nude photo of himself to a woman who is not his wife. Sources confirm that he had an ad on Craigslist, in which he was attempting to impress women as a divorced lobbyist. As of press time, we were unable to come up with a joke more comical than the actual situation.
In business news, on Tuesday, the United States government announced that it had found no evidence to indicate that an electrical issue had caused Toyota vehicles to accelerate unexpectedly. A spokesperson from Toyota said in a statement to the press, “(raspberries).”
In other business news, BJ’s Wholesale Club of Boston announced that it is putting the company up for sale. When asked why, the company’s chairman said, “The economy has pretty much blown us out of the water. And, our jaws are tired.”
In international news, Russian president Dmitry Medvedev is abolishing Russia’s biyearly time change. Medvedev announced his decision to the public saying, “In Russia you do not change time. Time changes you.”
In Great Britain, a High Court judge banned a man with a low IQ from having sex, determining that he was too dim-witted to consent to the act. The judge also ruled that he would not be allowed to drive a Toyota, but could hold a government office in America.
In other international news, the government of Malawi is debating a bill that will make it against the law to fart in public. The Malawi Consulate released this statement, “The high court encourages citizens to air their grievances, behind closed doors.” If the bill is passed, Malawi prosecutors will be the first to legitimately use the “He who smelt it, dealt it” argument in court.
This week, the Catholic Church approved a Confession app for iPhone and iPad users. Child Protective Services has confirmed that now that the Catholic Church is available on electronic devices, young boys will have to stop carrying them in their pockets.
Here in the U.S., reports confirm that Sarah and Bristol Palin are taking steps to trademark their names in order to put a stop to companies marketing products using their likenesses without their permission. This will affect products currently in production, such as the Sarah Palin Globe; the Sarah Palin Dictionary; Bristol Palin Pregnancy Tests; the Sarah Palin Campaign Suicide Kit; Sarah Palin Dunce Caps; Bristol Palin Condoms; the Bristol Palin Inflatable “Dance Partner” Doll; and the Bristol Palin “Ooops, I’m A Teenage Mother” Abstinence Kit.
On Tuesday, a painting by Pablo Picasso, said to be the first in which he finally showed his teenage mistress in fully recognizable form, sold in a Sotheby’s auction for 40 million dollars. Art historians agree that it is not surprising that Picasso took up with a woman who had no neck, one boob and looked a lot like a cartoon character.
A Minnesota woman who attempted to mail her puppy via Priority Mail has lost a court case brought against her. Inside sources say they will be shipping her to prison in Texas. Via Parcel Post. COD.
And finally, on Sunday, the nation watched as Christina Aguilera messed up the lyrics to the National Anthem while performing before the Super Bowl. In response, Aguilera said in a statement, “Whatever. I’m still better than Britney Spears.”
That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…it was cheese libel.
Wait. We thought of a joke. Upstate New York’s Republican groundhog, Chris Lee, will definitely get 6 more weeks of winter from Mrs. Lee. And then some.
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