Breaking the News - July 30, 2010
Posted on July 30th, 2010
It’s Friday. There was news. We broke it.
It happens.
Breaking the News - July 30, 2010 is also available on Vimeo.
The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators: @joeschmitt, @arjunbasu, @bedheadblonde, @blobert, Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW, @davio1962, @donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @goldengateblonde, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch, @iamnotdiddy, @iowaradioguy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @northpacific, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslich Sam Battin, @ShawnaShawna, @slag_mag, @succitaM, @TheInfamousGdub, @thejohnblog, @unfnshdprsn, @yayaa.
Transcript
Happy Friday! Here are some headlines from this week. You know…sort of.
British Petroleum and Sarah Palin top our news again this week. Tony Hayward, beleaguered boss of BP, has been asked by the company to take a position in Russia, in lieu of leaving the maligned organization completely. Inside sources say that upon hearing of his transfer, Sarah Palin expressed excitement because she will soon be able to see him whenever she wants.
Also in Russia, a prolonged heat wave has caused far-reaching drought, leading to massive, uncontrolled forest fires. Said one Russian official in a press conference, “We aren’t really sure what the issue is. As usual, we’ve been dousing the problem with vodka, but the fire just keeps getting bigger.”
In other international news, reports have surfaced in Baghdad that Iraqi militants are stealing blood from hospitals. Although Iraqi authorities don’t know what the militants are doing with the blood, they have been able to identify one of the alleged thieves. In a statement to the press, one official said, “He was tall, thin, pale and had dreamy eyes and sparkly skin. (pause) But we lost him when he walked in front of a mirror.”
In a related story, a report published Tuesday by the Special Inspector General for Iraq Reconstruction revealed that the Department of Defense allowed 8.7 billion dollars to, “become unaccounted for.” Breaking the News talked with a DoD spokesperson to find out just how a major government office misplaces nearly 9 billion dollars.
REPORTER
I have with me Pentagon Spokesman Chad Huntington. Thanks for being with us today, Mr. Huntington.
DoD
Hello. Glad to be here.
REPORTER
Did the Department of Defense lose $8.7 billion dollars in Iraq?
DoD
Yes, it’s true. 8.7 billion dollars is missing. But I don’t know what the big deal is.
REPORTER
But, sir, that’s a lot of money.
DoD
No, no, no, no. That barely covers a month of the war! I mean, just barely. It’s chump change. A few fighters jets here, a couple of hellcate missles and a couple of drones.
REPORTER
So you’re saying that 9 billion dollars doesn’t matter?
DoD
Exactly. The DoD budget for this year alone is 600 billion dollars. 9 billion dollars is just petty cash. You should see the expense account we had for McChrystal’s going away party! Incredible. We had these hookers show up in Burkhas, see? And then they had all this hash. It was so great.
REPORTER
But sir, that’s 9 billion dollars!
DoD
Hey, look. We still have Saddam Hussein’s head.
REPORTER
You have a point. Back to you, Kathy.
Not surprising.
In the U.S., political experts report that Republicans running for reelection this November will be running on a strict “No” platform. Said Senator Mitch McConnell of Kentucky, “No jobs. No taxes. No fun. No salt. No titty [bleep] bars. No! NO! NOOOOO!” Other items that will be included in the “No” platform are: NObama, no pants, no tree huggers, no diggity and no duh.
In other news from our nation’s capital, the National Building Museum in Washington DC is featuring replicas of 15 famous skyscrapers built entirely of Legos. Included are Chicago’s Willis (under breath “Sears”) Tower, the Empire State Building and the Burj Khalifa in Dubai. Patrons of the museum are invited to stay for a night in any one of the towers provided they are no taller than .7 inches and have the proper receptacles on their feet.
Earlier this week, low cost carrier Southwest Airlines caused a stir when they asked a “thin” customer to give up her seat on a Sacramento flight to make more room for a “hefty” passenger. Inspired by this move, European low cost airliner Ryanair will begin asking thin passengers to double-up in seats and Delta and United have announced plans to begin tagging smaller passengers to be valeted for pick up at the end of the jet bridge upon deplaning.
In tech news, Apple unveiled its Magic Trackpad for Mac desktop computers on Monday. One industry expert agrees that the device is an advancement among similar devices and leads the way in concept and design, but says it is not likely to catch on with consumers due to a “programming flaw that causes it to mimic my ex-wife and not function unless you touch it EXACTLY right.”
In entertainment news, Amanda Bynes announced to the world that she will be coming out of retirement only one month after deciding she would get out of the “biz.” Much to the dismay of Green Bay fans, the Vikings plan to have her start in their home opener.
And finally, a rare zebra-donkey hybrid was born at a Georgia wildlife refuge this past week. Scientists there are now working on an elephant-donkey hybrid, with the hopes of raising taxes to help lower Georgia’s $2 billion deficit. Inside sources say they plan to name the resulting creature Joe Lieberman.
That’s it. I’m Kathy. And in Soviet Russia…the news breaks you.
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