Breaking the News - July 23, 2010
Posted on July 23rd, 2010
We aren’t doctors, but we play them on TV, so we’ve doctored up a photo or two for you. Also, get your LiLo and Palin updates and find out whose bag isn’t worth more than a dime. And we have your exclusive opportunity to push Glenn Beck from a plane. Once again, The Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s I’m an Idiot Show have broken the news. Even if just a little bit behind schedule.
This one is in memory of Dave Landin, who would have celebrated his 61st birthday today.
Breaking the News - July 23, 2010 is also available on Vimeo.
The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators: @joeschmitt, @arjunbasu, @bedheadblonde, @blobert, Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW, @davio1962, @donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @goldengateblonde, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch, @iamnotdiddy, @iowaradioguy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @northpacific, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslich Sam Battin, @ShawnaShawna, @slag_mag, @succitaM, @TheInfamousGdub, @thejohnblog, @unfnshdprsn, @yayaa.
For the actual stories
You Don’t Have To Put On the Red Light
Transcript
Happy Friday! Here are some headlines from this week…sort of.
In our top story, evidence surfaced this week that BP used Photoshop to doctor a publicity photo of its disaster war room. BP’s newest PR representative says they are doing everything they can to cap negative information to keep it from leaking out in the future.
In international news, China announced that it is deeply troubled by its slow economic growth. Financial analysts point to the reduction in stimulation but assume the government will soon take a more hands-on approach. One government official reportedly asked, “Our growth rate isn’t that small, is it? It’s really pretty average, right?”
Hockey Mom, Sarah Palin, compared herself to Shakespeare on Twitter this week, proclaiming that, “English is a living language. Shakespeare liked to coin new words too,” as she defended the use of words such as “misunderestimate” and “refudiate.” Hmmm…neither one of those work in Words With Friends. Maybe Scrabble is more Libertarian . . . m . . . i . . . s . . . there I go. 122 points!
In technology news, communities across the country are banning once popular red light cameras as a form of law enforcement. Experts say red light districts, however, are still popular with many voters.
Apple CEO Steve Jobs defended the iPhone’s allegedly poor reception by claiming that rival Blackberry’s “ugly talking devices” also suffer from dropped calls. Said Jobs in a press conference, “It doesn’t matter how well your antenna works if nobody wants to look at you, or caress you, or touch your buttons.” A Blackberry spokesperson pointed out that while the phones are similar in many ways, the Blackberry is the only one of the two smart phones that “doesn’t get returned.”
In weather news, a heatwave oppressed much of the central section of the United States this week, prompting weather experts to release excessive heat warnings for many residents. Weatherman Jason Balmy has this report. Jason?
JASON: Oh my God! It’s so unbelievably hot! It’s burn your feet on the hot sand hot, it’s bonfire in July hot, it’s fry an egg on the asphalt hot! Look, every place is hot! Texarkana: Hot! Memphis: Hot! Tupelo: Hot! Cape Giarardeau: Hot! It’s hot Hot HOOOOOOT! In other words, Kathy, it’s hot. Back to you.
That certainly was excessive.
In entertainment news, conservative talk show host and Fox News contributor Glenn Beck is auctioning a helicopter ride and dinner with him and his wife. At air time, the current bid was $75,000. Said one bidder, “$75,000 seems a reasonable price to pay for the opportunity to push Glenn Beck out of an aircraft.”
Earlier this week, Paris Hilton was blunt as she responded to allegations that authorities found pot in her purse. Said Hilton, “I wasn’t arrested for pot, I was arrested for HOT. Quick, somebody call the police . . . this purse is so cute, it’s killing me.”
On Tuesday, actress Lindsay Lohan began serving what is expected to be 12 days of a 90 day jail sentence. Hollywood insiders say, coincidentally, that is the same number of minutes most audience members make it through one of her films.
And finally, scientists discovered that feeding cows and sheep coriander and turmeric, two spices commonly found in curry, can reduce the animals’ greenhouse gas emissions by up to 40%. There is no word yet if this also works on husbands.
That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken, it’s gotta be the double rainbow.
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