Breaking the News - July 16, 2010
Posted on July 16th, 2010
This week The Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s I’m an Idiot Show prove that size does indeed matter, French politicians have the hair and Hugh Hefner and Roman Polanksi both look forward to keeping some things private. No…seriously.
Breaking the News - July 16, 2010 is also available on Vimeo.
The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators: @joeschmitt, @arjunbasu, @bedheadblonde, @blobert, Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW, @davio1962, @donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @goldengateblonde, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch, @iamnotdiddy, @iowaradioguy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @northpacific, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslich Sam Battin, @ShawnaShawna, @slag_mag, @succitaM, @TheInfamousGdub, @thejohnblog, @unfnshdrambler, @yayaa.
For the actual stories
Transcript
Happy Friday! Here are some headlines from this week…sort of.
In our top story, on Sunday, police in the Bahamas finally tracked down and arrested the 19-year-old American known as the “Barefoot Bandit.” The youngster has racked up a long list of criminal charges that includes robberies and the crash of a stolen plane. Authorities say he will be extradited to the custody of his mother who has promised to punish him harshly by, “Taking away his Grand Theft Auto privileges for a couple of weeks or so.”
In international news, French President Nicolas Sarkozy brushed off allegations of illegal donations by L’Oreal heiress, Liliane Bettencourt this week. In an interview the President claimed, “In an overwhelming majority, French politicians are clean. And have great hair.” He went on to say that even if the allegations were true, it shouldn’t matter, because he’s worth it.
In World health news, condom manufacturers have been asked to produce their products in smaller sizes for men in India because they “keep slipping off.” In a related story, international shoe and glove makers have also been asked to produce their products in smaller sizes.
On Wednesday, BP began testing a new cap for its leaking well in the Gulf. In a statement to the press, a spokesperson from the company said, “Up until now, we just couldn’t seem to get the size right. The last cap was always slipping off or leaking. It’s like someone forgot that these are Indian pipes, which are way too small and dinky for those large girth American pipe caps.”
Recent reports about the size of Sarah Palin’s campaign fund have pundits speculating about her next move. When asked what she planned to do with her million dollar war chest, Palin responded, “That’s just another liberal media lie. This boob job only cost twenty grand. How do you like them apples?!”
Also from the Palin blotter, after the NAACP voted on a resolution Tuesday condemning Tea Party Supporters as racist, Alaska’s former governor said in a statement to the press, “The NAACP is clearly anti-America, and ungrateful for all America has done for its members. Hey, it’s not like anyone forced those people to come here anyway.”
In entertainment news, on Monday Swiss officials denied the U.S.’s request to extradite Roman Polanski, famed director and fugitive accused of raping a 13-year-old girl in California in 1977. Sources close to the now free man say Polanski wishes only for his privacy and the privacy of his unnamed number of “appropriately aged companions.”
And finally, Playboy founder Hugh Hefner has offered to buy back all shares of the company he built and take it private. In a statement released by his publicist, Hefner says he made the offer because, “this way I can try and masturbate all by myself.”
That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…I need smaller shoes.
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