Breaking the News - July 9, 2010
Posted on July 9th, 2010
As the internet takes its last, dying breaths, we are sentencing you to 3 minutes of watching this week’s (sort of) headlines. Maybe Justin Bieber will be back from North Korea (aka The Mall) by the time you’re done.
Breaking the News - July 9, 2010 is also available on Vimeo.
The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators: @joeschmitt, @arjunbasu, @bedheadblonde, @blobert, Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW, @davio1962, @donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @goldengateblonde, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch, @iamnotdiddy, @iowaradioguy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @northpacific, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslich Sam Battin, @ShawnaShawna, @slag_mag, @succitaM, @TheInfamousGdub, @thejohnblog, @unfnshdrambler, @yayaa.
For the actual stories
Cries a River Going Up the River
Transcript
In our top story this week, police in Portland, Oregon are investigating allegations that former Vice President Al Gore sexually harassed a masseuse there. During questioning, the masseuse told the police that Al Gore does indeed have a, “very, very, very small carbon footprint.”
Despite the mess in the Gulf of Mexico, as well as a public boycott of service stations across the country, the Department of Defense continues to purchase oil from BP. In a statement to the press, an official from the Department said, “You don’t see anyone attacking us from the Gulf of Mexico, do you? Do you?”
In news from the Hill, long standing Senator Robert Byrd of West Virginia passed away last week at the age of 92. Political experts agree that Senator Byrd has begun what is likely to be the best filibuster ever.
In a related story, broadcasting legend Larry King announced his retirement from Larry King Live late last week. Hollywood insiders say King was asked to retire after it was determined that renaming the show Larry King Barely Alive would not have a positive effect on the ratings.
Also in entertainment news, Justin Bieber is on his way to North Korea after an online vote choosing his next tour destination. The Bieber camp was quick to deny that the singing sensation thought North Korea was a “suburb of Los Angeles” and added that Bieber is looking forward to working in a labor camp, malnutrition and combing the hair of North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il every hour upon the hour.
In other internet music news, Prince declared the web “completely over.” He also said that his next “album” will be “gramophone” friendly and should appeal to men and women who still wear jackets with puffy sleeves.
A federal judge in California sentenced the people of jail to 90 days of Lindsay Lohan this week. Human rights activists are appalled and continue to protest the cruel nature of the punishment on behalf of all California inmates.
In sports news, the World Cup played on this week and it never seemed to end. Ever. Causing the CEO of BP, Tony Hayward to complain that he’d just like to have his life back.
In Japan, a major scandal engulfed the world of sumo wrestling. We didn’t care about that either.
As of Tuesday, and after a battery of tests, South African runner Caster Semenya has been proven to be female and is cleared to race as such in events around the world. Sources say that Elena Kagan is next up for testing.
And finally, scientists announced this week that neck measurements are better indicators of body fat than BMI, particularly if the neck touches the chest. Researchers went on to say that you could also assess someone’s level of obesity by measuring the width of their backside. Or simply by looking at them.
That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…I just got sentenced to 90 days of Lindsay Lohan.
No Comments »
No comments yet.
RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URL
