Breaking the News - Week 48, Year 2009

Posted on December 4th, 2009

Please forgive me for slacking off last week. I had so much food stuffed in my mouth all weekend that the broken news would have sounded like: “mmmffffmmmmmfffmmmmfffffmmmfff.”

Which may have been better, now that I think about it.

Anyway, I’m back on track. Fouling up the headlines and then subjecting you to my idiocy.

(You can also watch BtN on YouTube)

It’s a special little world I live in.

Why?

Because I’m an idiot!

For the actual stories:

Poops in Assghanistan

Bernie Bans Ben Bernanke

They thought they were going to White Castle

Spouses don’t do dishes

It’s called “off-air.” Duh

He drives grrrrrreat!

I wouldn’t turn her down

Transcript:
Happy Friday! Here are some headlines from this week. You know… sort of.

This week, President Obama addressed the nation to announce his plan to send 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan. Sources close to the White House say he plans to also address school children across the nation again, but he will soften the news for them by telling them he’s sending more poops to Assghanistan.

Also this week, Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont vowed to hold up Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke’s nomination for a second term, saying, quote “At least until we figure out if the second ‘n’ is silent” end quote.

In other news from the Capitol, a DC socialite couple crashed President Obama’s first State Dinner late last week. The couple claim they thought it would be perfectly acceptable for them to enter the White House uninvited, based on the precedent set by George W. Bush’s second term.

New York added its name to the growing list of states to reject gay marriage bills on Wednesday. A statement released by the state’s Senate made it clear that the majority of state lawmakers were just hoping to protect their gay friends from ever having to claim that their mothers-in-law were, of course, welcome to stay for another week and look fetching in those patchwork muumuus.

Comcast announced this week that it has struck a deal to buy NBC. Suckers. I get that network for free. Wait…what?

In sports news this week, much ado has been made about Tiger Woods’ recent, minor car accident and subsequent silence about the details. Experts say that any golf fan knows that this was just another day on the links for Tiger: a bad drive while trying to escape a man trap.

And finally, in entertainent news, Meredith Baxter came out of the closet this week. An anonymous source close to Baxter said, quote “That would explain the overwhelming stench of mothballs” end quote.

That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…I dropped it.

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