Breaking the News - Week 46, Year 2009
Posted on November 20th, 2009
I’ve posted it late. I need a haircut. There’s cursing. And there are massive joke fails. It’s like I’m not even trying any more.
Still…I broke every last story. I’m an unstoppable idiot.
Enjoy!
For the actual stories:
They’re called “bills” for a reason
Pirates: Not just for Disney any more
Oprah and Palin have stolen me Lucky Charms
I can’t believe a did a story about this…I’m sorry
Transcript:
Happy Friday! Here are some headlines from this week. Sort of.
Thursday marked the 146th anniversary of the Gettysburg address. Even nearly 150 years later, pizza guys and DHL drivers still can’t find the place. However, debt collectors and Jehovah’s witnesses have had no problems.
Early in the week, Attorney General Eric Holder announced that the self-proclaimed 9/11 mastermind (whose name, while pronounceable, shall not be mentioned here) will be tried in New York. Federal prosecutors have determined it is best to just let Judge Judy kick his [censored].
New government guidelines detailing how often and at what ages women should have mammograms have fueled debate over a possible decrease in health insurance coverage of the procedure. The men of America have united to assure women that they will continue to provide examinations free of charge.
In other health news, the Senate unveiled its $849 billion health care bill. To put the cost in perspective, Senate leaders assured Americans that the pricetag is roughly the same as your average Randy Quaid hotel bill.
Late on Wednesday, the U.S. ship the Maersk Alabama foiled an alleged pirate attack. This a mere 7 months after surviving a dramatic hostage situation at the hands of pirates. In an official statement by a top Navy officer, the incident was clarified confirming that it was just a rowdy party in celebration of Johnny Depp being named People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive.
Time Warner officially announced this week that it will split with AOL on December 9th. In a statement released by AOL the company said, “Great. And right before the holidays too.”
On Monday, Oprah hosted Sarah Palin on her show for an in depth interview about her new book and some of her more publicly criticized moments. During the interview, the former Vice Presidential candidate surprised everyone by revealing that she had actually wanted to call her book Going Brogue. Because it’s “magically delicious.”
In other entertainment news, New Moon, the much anticipated sequel to Twilight, premiered in Los Angeles this week. Audiences expecting copious amounts of derriere, based on the title, will be disappointed, but insiders say the studio promises excessive buttocks in the follow-up release “Full Moon: Southern Exposure.”
That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…I dropped it.
1 Comment »
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You are a riot…I just love you.
Comment by Chad — December 2, 2009 @ 1:30 pm