Breaking the News - Week 44, Year 2009
Posted on November 6th, 2009
This broadcast is brought to you by the letters B and N and the number 44. However, it contains no Snuffleupagi, even though they are absolutely real.
It’s not news, if I haven’t broken it.
Why?
Because I’m an idiot.
For the actual stories:
We don’t vote unless Ryan Seacrest tells us to
I wouldn’t want the same sex in marriage either
They found the cash in the glove box
Strike three and they’re still out
This documentary is a Thriller
Bert and Ernie could get married on Sesame Street
Transcript:
Happy Friday! Here are some headlines from this week. Sort of.
Tuesday was election day across the nation. Reports say that turn-out at the polls was relatively low, even for an off year. Experts claim that many people were unwilling to make the short trip and not wait in line at their precincts due to a rumored shortage of those little “I voted” stickers.
In a related story, a marriage referendum was on the ballot in Maine. Had it passed, Maine would have been the first state to approve a same-sex marriage law by public vote. The public, however, voted to repeal the law and then demanded that everyone also be barred from being married to their work, the mob and people who are just like their parents.
Ford Motor Company reported third quarter earnings of 1 billion dollars. They attributed the high number to the Cash for Clunkers program, not blowing a bunch of money on employees and selling copies of a tastefully done nude board member of the month calendar.
Early in the week, reports surfaced that Warren Buffett had inked a deal to buy Burlington Northern Railroad. Sources close to the bazillionaire say that no one has the heart to tell him that the sale photos were taken from a helicopter and it’s not the kind of train he can use to play choo choo with the grandkids in the basement.
In Philadelphia, a transit workers’ strike wreaked havoc on commuter traffic in the city. Government officials however, were assured by union leaders that the timing of the strike in relation to the Phillies’ appearance in the World Series was purely coincidental. And sources say, a possible agreement was reached late Wednesday…shortly after Victorino grounded out.
The Michael Jackson documentary “This Is It,” featuring behind-the-scenes footage from preparations for the tour that never was, was released this week. Insiders say that ticket sales have been high, further proving Michael Jackson’s status as the King of Popcorn.
In other entertainment news, this week marks the 40th anniversary of Sesame Street. Sources confirm that after 40 years, Oscar is a grouch because he’s going through “the change,” Grover will now demonstrate “near” and “far” by putting on and taking off his bifocals and hi-tech GPS receivers have all but eliminated the need for the question “Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street?”
That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…I dropped it.
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The News? Shattered to smithereens!
Comment by 'Berta — November 7, 2009 @ 12:01 am