Breaking the News - BEST WEEK EVER 2011

Posted on September 20th, 2011

SLIGHTLY NSFW

The Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s “I’m an Idiot” Show believe that last week maybe have been the BEST WEEK OF NEWS EVER! Sarah Palin had a romantic tryst. Pat Robertson got soft on divorce. Scarlett Johannson sent naked pics to the whole internet. Charlie Sheen is sane again?! Even Spongebob got in a little trouble for us. Of course, Warner Music Group busted us for including Spongebob’s song “The Best Day Ever” in our little newscast, so we had to re-edit. This version should prevent us from stealing any big bucks out of poor wittle WMG’s pockets.

The non-busted version of Breaking the News - BEST WEEK EVER 2011 is also available on Vimeo.

For the actual stories

Rogue Baller

Pity Party Crashers

American Scarelines

Forget Pat Robertson

Honkers if You Love Jesus

Oh Wow. Do Not Read the Eel Story

Hell’s Crotchin’

Players Make Passes and Score

Hopefully He Does the Laugh

Fudgestruck

Crazy Lost its Sheen

Scarlett Goes Harlot

Spongebob Tanks

Transcript

Hi! Last week was probably the BEST WEEK OF NEWS EVER. Here are some headlines. Sort of.

In our top story from the BEST WEEK OF NEWS EVER, a new book revealed that Sarah Palin once had a romantic tryst with then college basketball star, Glen Rice. Critics of Palin, however, say this is all just a farce aimed at gaining the votes of a demographic she doesn’t reach. People who read books and study things.

In other useless people who don’t belong in Washington news, during the BEST WEEK OF NEWS EVER, the White House gate-crashing couple Tareq and Michaele Salahi are getting a divorce after Michaele, who had been reported missing by her husband, was found safe and sound in the open arms of Journey guitarist Neal Schon. The cuckolded husband said in a statement, “Apparently the only crashing my wife has been doing lately is on the couches of aging rock stars.”

On the anniversary of the September 11th attacks, during the BEST WEEK OF NEWS EVER, military jets escorted an American Airlines flight after 3 passengers refused to leave the bathroom. When questioned about the apparent overreaction, a flight attendant on board explained, “If you had smelled what was coming out of there, you’d want keep us out of your airspace, too.” Officials say the contents of the bathroom were safely evacuated over the skies of Canada.

Also during the BEST WEEK OF NEWS EVER, on his Christian talk show, the 700 Club, Pat Robertson told viewers that it was acceptable to divorce a spouse with Alzheimers disease. Coincidentally, when asked to comment, Mrs. Robertson said, “Who? What? Where am I?”

In a related story, some religious groups are now attempting to get closer to God by adding physical fitness to their worship, in the form of pole dancing. Theologians agree that this means the new answer to the question “What would Jesus do?” is “Carry a big fat wad of singles.”

It was also the BEST WEEK OF INTERNATIONAL NEWS EVER, as a man in China had to have a 15 centimeter eel removed from his bladder after it swam up his penis during a spa visit. (Kathy shudders) Richard Gere was unavailable for comment.

Also during THE BEST WEEK OF INTERNATIONAL NEWS EVER, a dwarf porn star who was Gordon Ramsay’s near double was found dead and partially eaten in a badger’s den in the U.K. The badger later apologized for his mistake and promised to get the right guy next time.

In the BEST WEEK OF SPORTS NEWS EVER, the first week if the NFL season included record amounts of passing and scoring. All without a single Brett Favre crotch photo.

In the BEST WEEK OF ENTERTAINMENT NEWS EVER, the Academy of Arts and Sciences announced that Eddie Murphy will host the next broadcast of the Oscars. When reached for comment, Murphy said, “I’m gonna what now?”

In other Hollywood news during the BEST WEEK OF NEWS EVER, at the Toronto Film Festival, Nicolas Cage confessed that he once woke up to find a naked man in his bedroom eating a fudgesicle. He went on to say that the man finally left after he got tired of Cage begging him to put him in a movie. (pleads) ANY MOVIE.

Also in Hollywood during the BEST WEEK OF NEWS EVER, Charlie Sheen appeared on the Tonight Show and agreed that he had been behaving in an insane manner and couldn’t explain why, but seems now to be perfectly normal. Inside sources say this proves that Jay Leno can take the funny out of anyone.

Wrapping up the BEST WEEK OF NEWS EVER in Hollywood, somehow, nude self-portraits of Scarlett Johannson taken with her mobile phone made it onto the internet for everyone to see. Ok. Show’s over!

That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…screw this. I’m gonna go find those pics.

Credits to Spongebob Squarepants “The Best Day Ever”

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