Breaking the News - August 17, 2011
Posted on August 16th, 2011
The Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s “I’m an Idiot” Show have finished sliding on the straw pole long enough to tell what’s new with Charlie Sheen, Joan Rivers, Lindsay Lohan and Octomom. Pay no attention to the fact that we’re staring intently at your hands.
The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators: @joeschmitt,@arjunbasu, @almostfancyblog, @blobert, Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW, @davio1962, @donchiefnerd,@DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @formerlycarrmah, @goldengateblond, Gregory Battin,@heathermitch, @iamnotdiddy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein,@northpacific, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslich Sam Battin, @ShawnaShawna, @slag_mag,@succitaM, @thejohnblog, @unfnshdprsn, @yayaa.
For the actual stories
Transcript
Happy Random Day of the Week! Here are some headlines. Sort of.
In our top story, Michele Bachmann won the Straw Poll in Iowa over the weekend. Sources confirm that she was the only candidate who could slide down it in a thong without getting splinters. A wise Tim Pawlenty dropped out of the race.
In a related story, after her victory in Iowa, Michele Bachmann announced that when she’s elected President, she will walk out onto the stage to the tune of Hungry Eyes.
A man in Louisiana was arrested at a Walmart for exposing his erect penis to shoppers there. The police later released the man after learning that he was the Walmart greeter and, according to a spokesperson “That little guy always points to low prices. Always.”
In a related story, researchers have discovered a new, non-invasive way to discern a man’s penis size, without asking him and thereby forcing him into some lie. They have confirmed that it does indeed correlate to the type and value of the car he drives.
In other science news, researchers have found evidence of DNA in space. When examined under a high-powered microscope, the DNA appeared to be wearing cut-off jeans and hanging out with two other strung out DNA molecules, proving that Charlie Sheen really is from Mars.
Also in science news, scientists have discovered a jellyfish that can regenerate itself indefinitely and live forever. They have named it Joan Rivers.
In Hollywood news, Lindsay Lohan was videotaped exchanging money and a plastic bag with several men in Venice, California recently. When outed by a gossip blog, Lohan said in a statement, “Those weren’t drugs, those were crystals…from my good friend, Meth.”
Also in Hollywood, in a recent interview, Tatum O’Neal revealed that she went to L.A. to die. Sources close to the actress confirm that she has crossed that off her bucket list after her appearance on Dancing with the Stars.
Octomom, Nadya Suleman, said in a recent interview that she was drugged when she consented to implanting 12 embryos. According to Suleman, “All I remember was 10 lords a-leaping, 11 pipers piping, 12 drummers drumming…nodding off a bit, and then BAM. I thought I was getting 12 drummers drumming, dammit.”
In a related story, all of America declares that it would like to be drugged into forgetting about Nadya Suleman.
And finally, reports have surfaced that Granny had a boob job. Inside sources say this explains why Jethro spent so much time with her.
That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…I slid down the straw pole.
credits
Urgh. My dinner is burning.
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