Breaking the News - July 22, 2011
Posted on July 22nd, 2011
The Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s “I’m an Idiot” Show fully support the U.S. paying down its debt while earning rewards with Capital One. They also wonder how Michele Bachmann could function any less effectively, why Bill Gates has to reinvent the toilet and donde esta the landfall. Happy Friday!
The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators: @joeschmitt, @arjunbasu, @almostfancyblog, @blobert, Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW, @davio1962, @donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @formerlycarrmah, @goldengateblond, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch, @iamnotdiddy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @northpacific, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslich Sam Battin, @ShawnaShawna, @slag_mag, @succitaM, @thejohnblog, @unfnshdprsn, @yayaa.
Happy Friday! Here are some headlines. Sort of.
In our top story, Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner announced a “Plan B” as debt ceiling debates continued to stall. In a hastily organized press conference, Geithner presented his plan saying, “It’s so obvious. I don’t know why the President didn’t think of it. We simply transfer the balance to a 0% APR Capital One rewards card and then try really hard to pay it down. Meanwhile, we collect trillions of points and reward miles that we can hopefully to put toward our mission to Mars.”
When asked during a recent appearance how chronic migraines might affect her ability to lead the nation, Michele Bachmann responded saying, “I’d like to be abundantly clear. My ability to function effectively will not affect my ability to serve as Commander in Chief.” Political pundits agree that she makes a good point, as most Commanders in Chief do not function effectively.
Outspoken abstinence-only education advocate and strict “no sex before marriage” crusader, Sarah Palin, will for the second time, become the grandparent of a child conceived out of wedlock. A source close to the family said in an anonymous statement, “It’s clear the Palins have two faces, but no condoms.”
In international news, the ongoing phone hacking scandal in Great Britain has so far closed the best selling newspaper in the country; seen the arrest of some of the closest aides to Rupert Murdoch, the resignation of the chief of the London police, the tarnishing of countless reputations in the fields of politics, media and entertainment, and the revival of public interest in Hugh Grant. Hugh Grant was so excited to do something good for a change that he immediately went out and celebrated with a prostitute.
Former International Monetary Fund leader, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, was recently released from house arrest, after the prosecution’s potential rape case against him hit a few snags. The turning point of the case was Strauss-Kahn’s successful use of the Shaggy Defense when he took the stand: But she caught me on the counter (It wasn’t me); Saw me bangin’ on the sofa (It wasn’t me); I even had her in the shower (It wasn’t me); She even caught me on camera (It wasn’t me); She saw the marks on my shoulder (It wasn’t me); Heard the words that I told her (It wasn’t me); Heard the screams gettin’ louder (It wasn’t me)…
Malaysia airlines announced recently that it will no longer permit babies to fly first class. A spokesperson for the airline said in a statement, “The reason for the policy is simple. When babies are in first class it’s not first class anymore. Also, people who whine about services and policies are next.”
Hurricane Dora continues to grow and threaten the Pacific coast of Mexico, according to the talking map. However, meteorologists indicated in a press conference that the path of the storm is still somewhat unpredictable, saying, “Donde esta ‘The Landfall?!’”
Back at home, the state of Indiana has cut its schools’ cursive writing requirements. School officials say, in order to keep up with modern conventions, students will now have to master Comic Sans.
Microsoft founder Bill Gates has pledged to donate 42 million dollars to reinvent the toilet. Rumors have surfaced about the functionality of the new stoolware including possible usability instructions, user interface assistants and error messages, such as: Toilet 7 has detected an error in your kernels. Click here to unback-up your Microsoft Toilet. Toilet 7 did not completely shutdown on its previous attempt and recommends opening all windows. A user assistant who pops up and says: I noticed you were trying to flush but haven’t finished business. Do you need my help? And: To get Toilet 7 working again simply Control+Alt+Excrete.
In a related story, company officials from Taco Bell say they, like many of their customers, are still hurting from their recent beef issues. The company said in a press release that sales have really taken a dump and continue to slide downward.
Feminine product company, Always, will reportedly be the first to show blood in a maxi-pad commercial. After market testing, the 5 men on the planet who actually purchase the products for their wives said they would definitely stop now that they know what they’re using them for.
And finally, speaking of feminine hygiene products, Glenn Beck has announced plans to start a charity clothing line, called 1791. Each item of clothing will be sewn with material made from Beck’s tears and will come with a free handkerchief.
That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…I wasn’t functioning effectively.
Donde esta Your Insurance Papers? Vamanos!
(Stuck in your head? Download Shaggy here: tunes.apple.com/us/artist/shaggy/id68616)
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