Episode 21 “Blood of the Tiger: An Idiot’s Quest for Tiger Blood”
Posted on April 26th, 2011
VIDEO EPISODE!
Recently I found myself in the unique situation of being 1 of 50 finalists in Charlie Sheen’s search for a #tigerbloodintern. Narrowed down from 74,000. (catch up on the story with Episode 19 and its update)
I have come to find out that I am 100% human, and therefore, have not a drop of tiger in my blood. Maybe a little cholesterol, but no tiger.
Now what do I do?
What if TeamSheen will only hire someone who actually has tiger in her blood? What if they want to do a blood test?!
Somehow, I’m going to have to get the blood of a tiger and try to trick them into thinking I bled it.
And so, I give you Episode 21 “Blood of the Tiger: An Idiot’s Quest for Tiger Blood”.
GRATUITOUS THANK YOUs and PIMPING:
Original music and lyrics are by the brilliant Frankie Sullivan & Jim Peterik.
In fact, go get Survivor’s Eye of the Tiger on iTunes right now. You know it’s going to be stuck in your head all day.
This new silliness was arranged and recorded by the masterful, kind and hilarious Chris Angel. Buy his stuff. Then read his stuff. And follow him. You won’t regret it. He’s, like, my new best friend. And his beautiful wife, Kristy Tait-Angel, helped us with the lyrics. Which is good because we’d probably still be working on them otherwise.
The Blank Park Zoo is a wonderful, magical place and always a willing supporter of the community. (I know they “banned” me, but it was for the safety of the tigers. I’m sure they’ll let me back in.) They do fun things and we’re very lucky to have such a good organization here. Other than sharing a bus ride with me, they are likely “Iowa’s wildest adventure”. If you’re in the area, make sure you stop by and say “hi” to the tigers. And definitely check them out on YouTube.
Kent Abbott was the genius who shot my Round 3 submission video, so of course I begged him to do this one. He doesn’t seem like a saint, but I’m pretty sure he is. He lets me boss him around and is always willing to help. (He might be a little insane.) And he’s now officially stuck with me. I will make him work with me on all future projects.
Huge thank yous also go to Jeremy Bingaman, Brett Trout, Sean Fredregill, Jason Zilk and Dave Hellstern. They’re good peeps and always happy to play.
And, because they were there for us when we needed them, make sure you check out The Theatrical Shop (they have lots of tiger suits) and Willow Creek Golf Course. They been berry berry good to me.
Thanks for watching and stay tuned for any future developments!
And please share!
Grrrrrr…
Blood of the Tiger
Signin’ up, to work for the Sheen,
Kathy Landin needs money.
Do what she can to get back on her feet
Just a girl with no sense of shame.
Not the type for the easy way out.
Won’t get a job like some patsy.
This is it, waited all of her life,
Or at least for the last several weeks.
Chorus:
It’s the Blood of the Tiger
That will win her the fight,
Because their blood is better than her blood.
You know, I’m not quite certain
What’s the deal with that stuff,
But she’ll do what it takes to get Blood
Of the Tiger.
Eat the flakes, Reading the beat,
Bottom springs, tops of rubber.
Tried it all, even energy drinks,
But her type is still not quite feline.
Made some plans, bought some chew toys.
Try to bribe the striped kitty.
On her own, she can’t ask for no help.
All her friends bugged by her idiot quest.
Chorus:
Needs the Panthera Tigris.
It will win her the fight.
Because their blood is better than her blood.
You know, I’m not quite certain
What’s the deal with that stuff.
Oh, who cares?
Just give her some Blood
Of the Tiger.
Rising up, straight to the zoo.
Hemoglobin gets the glory.
Went the distance but the guard made her stop.
His attitude was O-Negative.
What’s the deal? She won’t hurt the cat!
Pretty sure it would kill her.
Just wants a bit of its tiger blood.
Why can’t he just spare one small drop?
Chorus:
Now it’s Blood of the House Cat
That will just have to do.
I mean, I think they’re related to tigers.
She’s all out of options
since she’s banned from the zoo.
She’s hoping they can’t tell it’s the Blood!
Of a house cat!
Episode 19 Update - The Press Tour
Posted on April 21st, 2011
It is safe to say that the roof is now on fire.
Or something like that.
In two days, my Round 3 submission video went from 168 views to nearly 6,500 views. 2. Days. As of right now it’s near 7,800 views.
Due to massive pimping by my friends and the unbelievably broad reach of the Des Moines Register online, I have been getting quite a bit of press for my clear (cough) display of TigerBlood-yness.
Coincidentally, they all somehow manage to make me seem like I’m the crazy one. Strange, I know.
Another day or two of this and I’m going to need my own #TigerBloodIntern. Anyone up for it?
The @Kathy_L Press Tour, if you will…
Michael Morain’s Q&A in the Des Moines Register
- Entertainment blog
- Metro section (has more of the interview)
Look! My headline even made it ABOVE THE FOLD.
The Business Insider called me “crazy intense.”
And then I gave them their own interview
On the air with Maxwell & Pam (4.14.11)
On the air with The Morning Moose Show (4.14.11)
WHO-TV 13, interview for the 10pm newscast (4.14.11)
On the air on 105.5 The Beat in Ft. Myers, Florida (4.15.11) (coming soon)
On the air with Big Ken & Colleen (and maybe a little bourbon) (4.15.11)
On the air with Schulte & Swann (4.19.11)
On the air with Atom Smasher (4.19.11)
I’ve also caught stories and reblogs on:
MSG (I’m even one of the “Related Quotes”)
Fuse.tv (gotta scroll down, but there I am)
I’ve had a producer from ABC’s World News Now contact me to get permission to use my video in their Morning Papers segment. Which I granted. They haven’t used it, but the fact that I even hit their radar is unexpected.
Oh, and I’ve been banned from the local zoo until this all passes over…for the safety of the tigers.
Yet, I’m STILL waiting to hear from TeamSheen what my next steps should be.
I’ll continue to update this page with links, so if you miss one and want to hear it, this is the place to be. And, if you see me mentioned somewhere, please comment here and let me know. My narcissism knows no bounds.
Thanks for joining me in the fun!
Breaking the News - April 15, 2011
Posted on April 15th, 2011
The Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s “I’m an Idiot” Show are asleep in the tower this week. We refuse to discuss the royal wedding, but we will share that Zsa Zsa wants to be a baby mama and she’ll be able to take her child to Applebee’s for a margarita. And, Southwest is finally able to explain how their planes got holes in them.
Breaking the News - April 15, 2011 is also available on Vimeo.
The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators: @joeschmitt, @arjunbasu, @almostfancyblog, @bedheadblonde, @blobert, Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW, @davio1962, @donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @formerlycarrmah, @goldengateblond, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch, @iamnotdiddy, @iowaradioguy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @northpacific, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslich Sam Battin, @ShawnaShawna, @slag_mag, @succitaM, @TheInfamousGdub, @thejohnblog, @uccoachlarry, @unfnshdprsn, @yayaa.
For the actual stories
France Won’t Surrender Right-of-way
Does She Know What They Do at Lens Crafters?
Bang! Zoom! Nearly to the Moon!
Transcript
Happy Friday. Here are some headlines from this week. Sort of.
In our top story, an editorial note. In the frenzy of all things William & Kate, we are officially declaring Breaking the News to be a Royal Wedding Free Zone from this point on.
In other news, on Monday, a Jumbo Air France jet liner clipped a Delta Connection flight at New York’s JFK airport, causing damage to the smaller plane. Southwest Airlines immediately issued a statement saying, “Yeah, that’s what happened to our planes too. Air France did it.”
Late last week, a toddler was served a margarita at an Applebees in Detroit. In response, Applebees has announced that it will retrain all of its servers nationwide and will begin offering margaritas in three sizes: Large, Medium and Sippy Cup. They will still be available frozen or on the rocks.
In a related story, a Chicago school now prohibits students from bringing their lunches from home. School officials say they will instead take daily trips to Applebees.
In a recent speech, Michele Bachmann claimed Planned Parenthood was the “Lens Crafters of Big Abortion.” Not to be outdone, Sarah Palin went on Fox News declared Planned Parenthood the Jiffy-Lube of abortion and Donald Trump was quick to chime in and call them Chik-Fil-A.
In other political news, Senator Rand Paul said that coal-mining companies are overregulated and should not be responsible for protecting their workers from black lung disease. He then went on to add that he always orders black lung when he goes out for dim sum because, “It’s better than the chicken feet.”
This week, Congress has officially removed the wolf from the endangered species list in Montana and Idaho, much to the delight of hunters, who can’t wait to shoot them all.
In science news, paleontologists have long wondered how sauropod dinosaurs managed to keep themselves so large in their environment. Their questions have been answered this week, as new research indicates they were the first species to include cheese and bacon with every meal.
Late last week, an elderly woman in Georgia inadvertently cut off internet access to the entire country of Armenia when she sliced through a cable while digging for copper. Later that day, an old guy in Alabama cut off internet access to Belize when he couldn’t figure out which button on his remote would switch to the VCR.
Tuesday was the 50th anniversary of Russia sending the first man into space. Russian officials celebrated publicly saying, “In Russia, you do not take off into space…space takes you. To the moon. Well, not to the moon. But pretty far.”
In entertainment news, Zsa Zsa Gabor’s husband, Prince Frederic von Anhalt, announced recently that he wants his 94-year-old wife to become a new mother using an egg donor, artificial insemination and a surrogate. The 67-year-old father-to-be claims the couple wants to do this to pass on the Gabor name and the von Anhalt crazy.
And finally, a British couple is auctioning off a jellybean they say resembles Kate Middleton. When asked if the piece of candy could also be considered an apparition of the Virgin Mary, the couple said, “Either way. A virgin’s a virgin.” The couple went on to insist that they aren’t just trying to capitalize on the upcoming royal wedding.
Dammit! It is impossible to stay away from that (expletive deleted) story.
That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…I fell asleep in the control tower.
We Now Return to EPISODE 19…Already In Progress
Posted on April 13th, 2011
Every now and then, you’ll hear someone say, “Stranger things have happened.” And, usually, that’s true.
But this time? I can’t say that it is. This is the strangest thing that could happen.
I have made it to the final round of Charlie Sheen’s search for a #TigerBloodIntern.
Yes.
Me.
I have been narrowed down from more than 74,000 applicants.
And now just 50 remain.
Including one (still somewhat skeptical) idiot.
I got the email on Monday afternoon as I was waiting at a stoplight, checking to see if a last minute shoot was going to happen on Tuesday morning. Instead I saw…
“Congratulations!”
And then I couldn’t stop laughing.
And now I’m a little scared.
What HAVE I done?!
And what will I have to do next?!
I have received no word yet from TeamSheen, so I don’t know what the next step in the process will be, but rest assured that you’ll be coming along for the ride no matter what.
While you wait, here’s some legitimate press I received from the Des Moines Register, and a little blurb NBC L.A. did on the whole thing.
In the meantime, I guess I’ll just keep walking through the wardrobe to the Narnia that is the Tiger Blood Internship and see what happens.
I’d like to say I’m winning, but mostly at this point, I’m SPINNING!
(Here’s Episode 19, if you missed it.)
Breaking the News - April 8, 2011
Posted on April 8th, 2011
The news. Broken. Again.
Breaking the News - April 8, 2011 is also available on Vimeo.
The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators: @joeschmitt, @arjunbasu, @almostfancyblog, @bedheadblonde, @blobert, Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW, @davio1962, @donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @formerlycarrmah, @goldengateblond, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch, @iamnotdiddy, @iowaradioguy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @northpacific, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslich Sam Battin, @ShawnaShawna, @slag_mag, @succitaM, @TheInfamousGdub, @thejohnblog, @unfnshdprsn, @yayaa.
Episode 20 “I Just Tried To Open My Garage Door With My iPhone”
Posted on April 7th, 2011
That’s it.
That’s the whole episode.
Why?
Because I’m an idiot.
Carry on.
Episode 19 “How I’ll Spend My Summer Vacation”
Posted on April 5th, 2011
A few weeks ago, the interwebs were abuzz with news of Charlie Sheen (yes, that Charlie Sheen) tweeting that he was looking for a social media intern to hire full time for the summer.
This as-of-yet-to-be-named individual is now widely known as #TigerBloodIntern.
When reading the tale of this tweeting, out of curiosity, I clicked on the link provided for those who were interested in the job. I wanted to see if it was real and, if so, what exactly the process was going to be for selecting this seemingly super-human employee.
And, because sometimes I just like to see what might happen, even if no good could come of such things, I participated in the first step. We’ll call this Round 1.
Round 1 consisted of entering your email address and, in 75 characters or less, explaining why you should be the #TigerBloodIntern. (Yes, I realize the hashtag is useless here, but it has become the branded identity of this process.)
I can’t recall precisely, but my response went a little something like this: http://www.kathysidiotshow.com Just made you click on my blog, didn’t I?
And that was that. Round 1 complete. I figured it was just a fishing expedition on the part of Internships.com to get a massive list of email addresses and I wouldn’t hear anything further.
Ha ha. Joke’s on Kathy.
The next week, I received an email from Internships.com, which I assumed was some kind of spam. The contents, you ask?
-Ok, you didn’t ask, but you’re still reading so I’m assuming you want to know.-
Paraphrased: Congratulations, Kathy, you’ve made it to Round 2.
Umm…ok. Might as well click through. It’ll at least help me procrastinate whatever it is I’m supposed to be doing for a bit longer, yes?
While I had been expecting something more, Round 2 amounted to filling in some resume-type information. Of course, it was pretty clear they weren’t expecting to hear from old people like me with long resumes, because I could only fill in my current and most recent past job.
Round 2 only took a few minutes, but it seemed like a lot of effort for collecting legitimate email addresses.
At this point, I assumed that they must be collecting keywords now, in order to categorize their new contacts for more direct spamming campaigns.
I also assumed they had not actually clicked through to this blog as it contains several episodes of Breaking the News replete with Sheen mockery.
Again I was sure I wouldn’t hear anything further. They now had my email address and some very specific information about me. Spam file complete!
Shortly thereafter, I learned that a few other Twitter acquaintances had also, out of the same kind of twisted curiosity, done as I had done and made it to Round 2. We had a good e-chuckle and went on about our business.
Cue Round 3. It’s about to get complicated.
A week later, also known as 2 weeks ago Monday, I was informed by my now very good friends at Interships.com that I had been selected to move on to Round 3.
Color me incredulous. They must really want to spam me. But, o.k., I’m between Dexter DVDs, what does Round 3 entail?
Video.
Interview.
But, not an interesting, creative, wacky TigerBlood-y, we’re actually just using this to start a reality show interview. No, a not-that-interesting, answer one of these 3 very straightforward actual interview questions kind of video interview. As though they are serious about finding a qualified candidate.
Again, I’ll admit, I expected more.
So I communicated with my other Twitter pals, who I assumed had received the same message (because why would I get through if they didn’t?), to commiserate about how lame the Round 3 request was and, much to my surprise, they had not made it through to Round 3.
Ummm…what?
O.k., this meant I had been narrowed down. This no longer looked like a spam list fishing expedition. It began to seem like they were making actual choices. Inexplicable choices (because my Twitter pals who didn’t get through are way bigger and more awesome than I am in the world of social media), but choices none-the-less.
Suddenly I felt a great responsibility to actually take this video answer somewhat seriously and to try to make something that, if nothing else, wouldn’t embarrass me. Perhaps part of that responsibility stemmed from one of my Twitter peeps referring to me as their only hope.
Holy Schnitzel, I had become the Obi Wan of the #TigerBloodIntern selection process. Sir Alec I am not. Ewan I am not. But still…I had to actually try. (Or do, as Yoda would say.)
My goal wasn’t really to have the best or smartest answer. I’m no social media whiz kid. In fact, I still don’t think I’m any more qualified than anyone else to do this job. (If it is indeed a real job. I still think they’re up to something else entirely.) In the absence of any clear job description, I can’t say I’m even all that interested in having the job.
That being said, ultimately, my goal was to make something fun and interesting. Something that would be 2 minutes of a break for whatever poor schmo was going to have to watch hundreds or thousands of rather uninteresting interview answers.
My goal was also to have a good time. This is standard for me. That should just always be one’s goal. Why not?
So I wrote and re-wrote and wrote some more and then enlisted the help of my friend and colleague, Kent Abbot, to shoot something that looked good and maybe had a few laughs in it.
I answered the question about which company I thought had mastered the use of social media to grow its business and why. For several reasons (most of which I didn’t have time to cover) I chose a local café called Mars Café. I shot the main stand-up pieces in my house in my usual manner on the Thursday night before submissions were due, and then Kent and I and some fantastic friends (Cat Rocketship, Abbie Shipton, John Pemble, Derek Maher, John E. Robinson, Abbie Toney) spent that Friday morning (the due day) shooting b-roll shots at Mars…the most gracious of hosts.
This was the result.
The due date was two Fridays ago, March 25th. I have yet to hear anything about the final round of the process. The most I know is that they’re narrowing it down to 50 finalists. I’m not sure if a blood test will be involved. (If so, I’ll gladly take sample donations from anyone who owns a tiger.)
I can tell you that when I hear, you’ll hear. And perhaps I’ll have some interesting stories for you this summer.
Why?
Because I’m an idiot.
But maybe I’m an idiot with tiger blood.
Breaking the News - April 1, 2011
Posted on April 1st, 2011
This is a big week for The Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s “I’m an Idiot” Show.
WE NOW HAVE A SPONSOR!
A huge thank you and welcome to the idiocy goes out to our friends at www.comedycentral.com.
Now the pressure’s really on.
This week we fight off emo-teen, gun attacks, bear attacks, snake attacks, Perez attacks and attacks on atheists. Also, we learn something new about how to fly safely.
Enjoy the show.
And…HAPPY APRIL FOOL’S DAY!
Breaking the News - April 1, 2011 is also available on Vimeo.
The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators: @joeschmitt, @arjunbasu, @almostfancyblog, @bedheadblonde, @blobert, Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW, @davio1962, @donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @formerlycarrmah, @goldengateblond, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch, @iamnotdiddy, @iowaradioguy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @northpacific, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslich Sam Battin, @ShawnaShawna, @slag_mag, @succitaM, @TheInfamousGdub, @thejohnblog, @unfnshdprsn, @yayaa.
For the actual stories
Yes, It’s an Actual Snake Story
Yes, It’s an Actual Tasmanian Devil Story
Yes, It’s an Actual Dopey Bear Story
Yes, It’s an Actual Bejeweled iPad Story
Yes, It’s an Actual Jerk Story
Yes, It’s an Actual Richard Simmons Story
Yes, It’s an Actual Lame-Ass Royal Wedding Story
Yes, It’s an Actual Monkey Story
Yes, It’s an Actual Dumbass Story
Transcript
Happy Friday. Here are some headlines from this week. Sort of.
In our top story, on Tuesday, a teenaged Florida girl held her mom at gunpoint and forced her to buy a car. When asked how this disturbed teen could have been recently accepted into several Ivy League schools, the Admissions Committee at Harvard said, “Not since Zuckerberg have we seen a sociopath who shows so much promise.”
Early this week, a deadly Egyptian cobra went missing from New York’s Bronx Zoo. Zookeepers were relieved when they later found a note from the snake, who was named Hosni Mubarak, saying he had merely resigned. After newfound freedom and a rise to popularity on Twitter, Hosni the snake told his followers he wondered why he hadn’t thought of it sooner.
In other animal news, the Tasmanian Devil is facing extinction after a deadly cancer outbreak. One concerned biologist said in a statement to the press, “We should do everything in our power to preserve beady-eyed, snarling, smell-of-death, seemingly restless, man-mauling vermin for future generations to fear and revile.”
A Montana man employed by Great Bear Adventure won a lawsuit awarding him worker’s compensation benefits after being mauled by a bear, despite having smoked pot before entering the bear’s enclosure. Zoologists who testified in the case agree that it is likely the second-hand smoke gave the bear the munchies.
In tech news, designer Stuart Hughes has created a solid gold iPad 2 encrusted with diamonds priced at more than 8 million dollars. Sources confirm that an iPad 3 encrusted with diamonds and rubies is scheduled for release 10 minutes after we’ve all trampled over each other buying this one.
This week, an heir to the SC Johnson company fortune was accused of molesting his stepdaughter for years. Other members of his family were shocked when they heard the news, although one relative admitted in a statement, “We did think it odd he spent so much time talking about his SC Johnson.”
Air New Zealand has rolled out a new in-flight safety demonstration video featuring Richard Simmons. Some of the required safety actions highlighted in the video include: Keep your seatbelt fastened while seated; No smoking in the lavatory; Note the location of all emergency exits on the plane; and, in the event of a water landing, put on a brightly colored, bedazzled tank top and extremely short shorts and “walk it out, everybody”!
Late last week, Kate Middleton, future bride of Prince William, had her bachelorette party, traditionally referred to as her “hen night”. A source close to the future royal said that while the girls stayed out late behaving like hens, Prince William was forced to stay home and choke the chicken.
The FDA has issued new concerns that food dyes found in processed foods such as soda and candy cause children to be hyperactive. The manufacturer of Yellow #5 said in a statement, “Yeah, it’s the color of the jelly beans that’s making them spaz out. Sure.”
Recently, it was discovered that the Proboscis Monkey regularly regurgitates and re-chews its own food. The purging primate is now thought to be in the Tracey Gold and Tina Yothers family.
This week, CNN contributor, Dr. Wendy Walsh claimed that people who don’t believe in God die first in survival situations. She went on to add, “Except in tornadoes. People who don’t believe in basements die in tornadoes.”
And finally, in entertainment news, Perez Hilton announced that he will be publishing a children’s book. When asked why he decided to write the book, the celebrity blogger said, “I wanted to create a story that would celebrate individuality. And then make fun of what the children are wearing.”
That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…oh my god there’s a snake in here!
