Breaking the News - February 18, 2011

Posted on February 18th, 2011

The Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s “I’m an Idiot” Show are enjoying a homemade Coca-Cola while making sure you know who you can murder in South Dakota after you get done with your protests in Wisconsin. And none of the jokes in the show have been stolen by late night comedians…yet.

Breaking the News - February 18, 2011 is also available on Vimeo.

The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators: @joeschmitt, @arjunbasu, @almostfancyblog, @bedheadblonde, @blobert, Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW, @davio1962, @donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @formerlycarrmah, @goldengateblond, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch, @iamnotdiddy, @iowaradioguy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @northpacific, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslich Sam Battin, @ShawnaShawna, @slag_mag, @succitaM, @TheInfamousGdub, @thejohnblog, @unfnshdprsn, @yayaa.

Transcript
Happy Friday. Here are some headlines from this week. Sort of.

In our top story, reports of political demonstrations in Madison, Wisconsin continue to come in and sources say that protestors have occupied the state capitol. As of press time, reports confirm that a weary Hosni Mubarak has begrudgingly left the Governor’s Mansion carrying a sign that says “Will govern for food.”

In news from the Hill, Speaker of the House, John Boehner, confirmed this week that the facts show that President Obama is a Christian, however went on to state that it is not his place to tell Americans what to think. He also said, “Nor is it my place to tell them that two plus two equals four, the sun rises in the East and soylent green is people.” He ended his press conference by reiterating that, “Also, the President is black. But I’m not. I’m more of a rust color.”

In other political news, in response to the “Birther” movement, states across the country are introducing bills that would require all presidential candidates to prove that they were born in the United States. Opposing parties are responding by introducing bills requiring any politician running for elected office to prove they are not crazy, hypocritical, drug-addicted sex fiends. Political experts say this should narrow down many races.

In business news, Borders bookstores filed Chapter 11 this week. A spokesperson from the company defended the organization in a press conference saying, “We sell books. Of course we have a chapter 11. We have lots of other chapters and will file those too just as soon as they’re in order.”

In other business news, the secret recipe for Coca-Cola was leaked to the public this week. Sources confirm that the main ingredient is Scrubbing Bubbles. Other listed ingredients include: New Coke; street coke; sweat from gym towels; Representative Boehner’s tears; Soylent Green; that sock you can’t find; Jimmy Hoffa; “Taco Meat Filling”; sewage from suburban Atlanta; naughty pictures from Brett Favre’s cell phone; two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions & a sesame seed bun; and despair.

In tech news, a computer, named Watson, crushed the human competition on Jeopardy this week. Host Alex Trebek, speaking for trivia geeks everywhere, admitted that he was mildly turned on by the whole thing, saying, (sexy) “Oooh, Watson really puts the lap in laptop. (embarrassed) Uhh…I mean…umm…What is (sexy) ‘Oooh, Watson really puts the lap in laptop’?”

In international news, China recently overtook Japan as the world’s second largest economy. The Japanese didn’t seem too concerned about the news, however. One government official stated to the press, “They may have lots of money now, but in two hours they’ll want more. Besides, you win some, you dim sum.”

This week, a doctor in Montreal has been suspended for taking photos of his topless female patients for his own sexual gratification. According to an inside source, the board that suspended him did so issuing this statement, “We’re sorry. Please pay your fine and then show us how you did it. Thank you.”

In South Dakota this week, legislators are debating a bill that could make it legal to kill abortion providers by making it a “justifiable homicide”. Other homicides that would also become justifiable include: people who write checks at the store; any member of the cast of Jersey Shore; whoever is responsible for the creepy e-Trade baby commercials; Nancy Grace; Justin Bieber; people who don’t use their turn signals; anyone dressed as the Statue of Liberty advertising tax preparation service; anyone who asks “Cold enough for ya’?”; Nickelback; that guy in the bathroom who whistles while he pees; and any owner of an NFL franchise.

In a related story, tweenie hearthrob Justin Bieber said in an interview with Rolling Stone that he would never give up his Canadian citizenship, that sex should only happen when you love someone, and that he’s against abortion even in cases of rape. Sources say the interview was suddenly cut short when the interviewer told Bieber to “shut the f*ck up.”

And finally, in other entertainment news, the Grammy Awards were held in Hollywood on Sunday. In one of many show-stopping surprises that night, Katy Perry attended the ceremony with her grandmother as her guest. A source close to the singing sensation said Perry misunderstood the invitation saying, “Yeah, she thought everyone was supposed to bring a Grammy.”

That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…a computer wrote it.

(credits)

I got nuthin’.

Breaking the News - February 11, 2011

Posted on February 11th, 2011

The Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s “I’m an Idiot” Show realize it can be lonely in Congress, but pretending to be a lobbyist is never the answer. Also, we’re all a little worried that it’s possible to be too stupid to have sex. Oh, and make sure you bring your Bean-O with you on your text trip to Malawi.

Breaking the News - February 11, 2011 is also available on Vimeo.

The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators: @joeschmitt, @arjunbasu, @almostfancyblog, @bedheadblonde, @blobert, Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW, @davio1962, @donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @formerlycarrmah, @goldengateblond, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch, @iamnotdiddy, @iowaradioguy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @northpacific, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslich Sam Battin, @ShawnaShawna, @slag_mag, @succitaM, @TheInfamousGdub, @thejohnblog, @unfnshdprsn, @yayaa.

For the actual stories

Let’s All Go To The Lobby

Accelerate on This!

Guess What They Sell

He’s No Clock Blocker

Wow. That IS Dumb

Toots Get the Boot

Forgive Me Father, Wait I Have a Text

Palins™

She’s Pretty Hot If You’re High

Who’s the Bitch in This Story?

Good Job, Christina

Transcript

Happy Friday. Here are some headlines from this week. Sort of.

In our top story, Republican Representative from New York, Chris Lee, was caught sending a semi-nude photo of himself to a woman who is not his wife. Sources confirm that he had an ad on Craigslist, in which he was attempting to impress women as a divorced lobbyist. As of press time, we were unable to come up with a joke more comical than the actual situation.

In business news, on Tuesday, the United States government announced that it had found no evidence to indicate that an electrical issue had caused Toyota vehicles to accelerate unexpectedly. A spokesperson from Toyota said in a statement to the press, “(raspberries).”

In other business news, BJ’s Wholesale Club of Boston announced that it is putting the company up for sale. When asked why, the company’s chairman said, “The economy has pretty much blown us out of the water. And, our jaws are tired.”

In international news, Russian president Dmitry Medvedev is abolishing Russia’s biyearly time change. Medvedev announced his decision to the public saying, “In Russia you do not change time. Time changes you.”

In Great Britain, a High Court judge banned a man with a low IQ from having sex, determining that he was too dim-witted to consent to the act. The judge also ruled that he would not be allowed to drive a Toyota, but could hold a government office in America.

In other international news, the government of Malawi is debating a bill that will make it against the law to fart in public. The Malawi Consulate released this statement, “The high court encourages citizens to air their grievances, behind closed doors.” If the bill is passed, Malawi prosecutors will be the first to legitimately use the “He who smelt it, dealt it” argument in court.

This week, the Catholic Church approved a Confession app for iPhone and iPad users. Child Protective Services has confirmed that now that the Catholic Church is available on electronic devices, young boys will have to stop carrying them in their pockets.

Here in the U.S., reports confirm that Sarah and Bristol Palin are taking steps to trademark their names in order to put a stop to companies marketing products using their likenesses without their permission. This will affect products currently in production, such as the Sarah Palin Globe; the Sarah Palin Dictionary; Bristol Palin Pregnancy Tests; the Sarah Palin Campaign Suicide Kit; Sarah Palin Dunce Caps; Bristol Palin Condoms; the Bristol Palin Inflatable “Dance Partner” Doll; and the Bristol Palin “Ooops, I’m A Teenage Mother” Abstinence Kit.

On Tuesday, a painting by Pablo Picasso, said to be the first in which he finally showed his teenage mistress in fully recognizable form, sold in a Sotheby’s auction for 40 million dollars. Art historians agree that it is not surprising that Picasso took up with a woman who had no neck, one boob and looked a lot like a cartoon character.

A Minnesota woman who attempted to mail her puppy via Priority Mail has lost a court case brought against her. Inside sources say they will be shipping her to prison in Texas. Via Parcel Post. COD.

And finally, on Sunday, the nation watched as Christina Aguilera messed up the lyrics to the National Anthem while performing before the Super Bowl. In response, Aguilera said in a statement, “Whatever. I’m still better than Britney Spears.”

That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…it was cheese libel.

(credits)

Wait. We thought of a joke. Upstate New York’s Republican groundhog, Chris Lee, will definitely get 6 more weeks of winter from Mrs. Lee. And then some.

Carry on.

Breaking the News - February 4, 2011

Posted on February 4th, 2011

The Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s “I’m an Idiot” Show tried to avoid Bangles jokes and Justin Bieber, to no avail. Also, we discovered that “daughter of the Bush administration” is a great new euphemism for lesbianism and in order to not be a fatty fat fat fat, we should eat less. Of everything. Who knew?

Happy Year of the Rabbit! Enjoy.

Breaking the News - February 4, 2011 is also available on Vimeo.

The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators: @joeschmitt, @arjunbasu, @almostfancyblog, @bedheadblonde, @blobert, Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW, @davio1962, @donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @formerlycarrmah, @goldengateblond, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch, @iamnotdiddy, @iowaradioguy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @northpacific, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslich Sam Battin, @ShawnaShawna, @slag_mag, @succitaM, @TheInfamousGdub, @thejohnblog, @unfnshdprsn, @yayaa.