@MeetingBoy’s “The 12 Days of Meetings”

Posted on December 27th, 2010

I vaguely remember what it was like to have a job. Enough to sympathize with those of you who do. Especially with the beleaguered @MeetingBoy.

My cohorts at Breaking the News and I show our support for the office drones of the world with our rendition of @MeetingBoy’s “The 12 Days of Meetings”.

See what happens when 5 people endure 12 days of meetings. There is sadness, anger, denial, utter disinterest and just a teeny bit of crazy. The holidays only last a few weeks, but thank goodness meetings last forever.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

The 12 Days of Meetings

Written by: @MeetingBoy, with help from @mr_anthropist, @discoverpiano and @leo_g_ash

Performed by: @almostfancyblog, @arjunbasu, @goldengateblond, @Kathy_L and @ripslich

Breaking the News - December 17, 2010

Posted on December 17th, 2010

The Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s “I’m an Idiot” Show will explain how the Swiss love their cheese and the Germans love their Hasselhoff. They do not, however, recommend the soup. But you’re probably too drunk to notice.

Breaking the News - December 17, 2010 is also available on Vimeo.

The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators: @joeschmitt, @arjunbasu, @almostfancyblog, @bedheadblonde, @blobert, Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW, @davio1962, @donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @formerlycarrmah, @goldengateblond, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch, @iamnotdiddy, @iowaradioguy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @northpacific, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslich Sam Battin, @ShawnaShawna, @slag_mag, @succitaM, @TheInfamousGdub, @thejohnblog, @unfnshdprsn, @yayaa.

Breaking the News - December 10, 2010

Posted on December 10th, 2010

The Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s “I’m an Idiot” Show voted to extend the broken news for all people. But watch out, there are clowns everywhere. Clowns in the Senate, clowns in the schools, clowns on airplanes and just plain clowns. You’ll probably want to get some help after this one.

Breaking the News - December 10, 2010 is also available on Vimeo.

The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators: @joeschmitt, @arjunbasu, @almostfancyblog, @bedheadblonde, @blobert, Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW, @davio1962, @donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @formerlycarrmah, @goldengateblond, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch, @iamnotdiddy, @iowaradioguy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @northpacific, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslich Sam Battin, @ShawnaShawna, @slag_mag, @succitaM, @TheInfamousGdub, @thejohnblog, @unfnshdprsn, @yayaa.

For the actual stories

Helping Fight Leaks

Republicans Made Me Do It

We’ll Pay You in Gratitude

It’s Never the Clown

Dumb and Dumberer

Don’t Let Them See Bill O’Reilly

Kids Play Sports, But They Don’t PLAY Sports

Smith Gets Blunt

Oprah and Gayle Sitting in a Tree

Transcript

Happy Friday. Here are some headlines from this week. Sort of.

In our top story, WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange was arrested in London after turning himself in on Tuesday. We can’t tell you how we know that.

President Obama broke his campaign promise and extended tax cuts for the wealthiest Americans this week. He defended his actions, saying in a press conference, “Hey, I did the math. This is really going to save me money when I sell my memoirs after leaving office in 2013.”

In other news from the Hill, the Senate Armed Services Committee is under fire for recommending a meager 1.4% raise for America’s men and women in the military. One committee member said, on the condition of anonymity, “We needed that money to extend the tax breaks for the rich. Don’t worry, the soldiers will understand. They know they’re fighting to preserve the rich people’s interests.”

On Wednesday, Toronto police announced the arrest of 57 people involved in an international pornography ring, including a clown, a professor and an Anglican priest. A spokesperson from the department said in a press conference, “Yes. A clown. Who would have suspected?”

A report released on Tuesday revealed the startling news that the U.S. has fallen from the top to just “average” in world education rankings. Breaking the News hit the streets to find out what Americans think about this new ranking, but we couldn’t find anyone who could understand the question.

New research indicates that American television shows like Desperate Housewives are a far more effective deterrent to potential terrorism than government-funded propaganda in countries like Saudi Arabia. This new pop culture strategy is being tested by diplomatic agencies and according to one expert, “We’re doing our best to make sure they don’t start showing Jersey Shore.”

A new study shows that kids who play sports are only active 40-50% of the time during which they are participating. Researchers say this would increase if nose and dandelion picking were also considered sports.

In entertainment news, Kevin Smith was not allowed to board a Virgin Airlines flight recently. After the incident, Smith posted on his blog, “It was like being in high school all over again. Couldn’t get on the Virgin, no matter how much I begged.”

And finally, Oprah Winfrey adamantly denied rumors that she is a lesbian in an interview with Barbara Walters on Thursday. And in classic Walters interview style, Winfrey then broke down when describing her close relationship with Gayle King. And then blew her nose in a stack of $100 bills.

That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…you didn’t hear it here.

Breaking the News - December 3, 2010

Posted on December 3rd, 2010

The Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s “I’m an Idiot” Show have committed the treasonous act of leaking the headlines this week. It’s possible they should have just kept them to themselves. But then how would you hear about new terror alert levels, Cyber Monday shopping, Chicago’s need to release cougars and where to get your very own Gluttony Pants. PLUS, there’s singing. Well…”singing”.

This one’s for Leslie Nielsen. He would have been a great BtN co-anchor.

Breaking the News - December 3, 2010 is also available on Vimeo.

The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators: @joeschmitt, @arjunbasu, @almostfancyblog, @bedheadblonde, @blobert, Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW, @davio1962, @donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @formerlycarrmah, @goldengateblond, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch, @iamnotdiddy, @iowaradioguy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @northpacific, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslich Sam Battin, @ShawnaShawna, @slag_mag, @succitaM, @TheInfamousGdub, @thejohnblog, @unfnshdprsn, @yayaa.

For the Actual Stories

Anal About Leakage

Alerts Put on Alert

Get Trampled at Home

But What Were the Sparrows Doing?

China is a Playah

The Liquor is in the Front

Finding Cougars in the Windy City

An Answer to Skinny Jeans

Franco Chewed His Arm Off for the Job

Maybe He Wants a Pat-down

See What We Did There?

Transcript

Happy Friday. Here are some headlines from however long it’s been since we broke the news. Sort of.

In our top story, the White House is scrambling to maintain diplomatic relations after a leak of confidential information on the internet. When asked during a Monday news conference what they plan to do to combat Wikileaks, U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder said, “Depends.”

A new report confirms that the Department of Homeland Security will be dropping the color-coded terror alerts, noting that they did little good and got made fun of a lot. The new alert levels will now be: Move Along. Nothing to See Here; Keep Watching Dancing with the Stars. Seriously, We’ll Be O.k.; Better Get a Clean Pair of Undies; Someone Call Chuck Norris and Kiss Your Ass Good-Bye

A record number of shoppers took to the internet to take advantage of discounts and finish their holiday shopping on Monday. There were many early reports of shoppers waiting patiently outside their computers for Windows to open.

In international news, the world’s cardinals met in Vatican City recently to discuss the sex scandal, and according to one inside source, to compare notes and visit the spa.

In other international news, China has proposed “six-way” talks in an effort to diffuse the ongoing crisis on the Korean peninsula. South Korean president Lee Myung-bak quickly issued a statement saying, “The talks are needed, but I don’t swing that way.” Kim Jong-Il responded by updating his Facebook status to “my big missile got me into a 6-way. ;)”

In the U.S., reports confirm that a high school in Virginia is using poker to teach students math. A representative from the school district said in a press conference, “If this works out, we’ll use hookers to teach sex ed.”

In order to control a growing rat population, the city of Chicago has released a small number of coyote into the downtown area. A spokesman for young men all over Chicago said in a statement, “We’re all hoping they release some cougars as well.”

In fashion news, just in time for the holidays and the Victoria’s Secret fashion show, Food Network chef Chris Cosentino is now selling his very own “Gluttony Pants” which have extra buttons to allow the wearer to expand the pants along with their waistline. Other items in the Gluttony Line include: Gluttony Washing Stick; Gluttony Reclining Hoveround; Gluttony Muu Muu; Gluttony Bristol Palin Action Figure; Gluttony Robotic Feeder Arm; Gluttony Ass Scratcher; Gluttony Automatic Pizza Place Dialer and Gluttony Food Shovel

In news from Hollywood, reports confirm that Anne Hathaway and James Franco will host this season’s Oscars. An inside source says the theme of the show will be “Ambien”.

In other entertainment news, actor Mark Ruffalo is now on the Homeland Security terrorist watch list. DHS officials deny that Ruffalo was added to the list for his support of an anti-drilling film, saying, “Umm…did you see Rumor Has It? Yeah, they’re all on the list.”

And finally, former teen idol David Cassidy was pulled over by the Florida Highway Patrol for weaving and making an erratic lane change in his Mercedes. Later, after Cassidy failed a field sobriety test, police were heard singing (Kathy sings) “two bourbon bottles…and a Partridge in a Mercedes.”

That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…I WikiLeaked it.

(credits)

Farewell, Leslie Nielsen. I hope there are a lot of nice beavers where you are.