Breaking the News - November 19, 2010

Posted on November 19th, 2010

The Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s “I’m an Idiot” Show did not attempt a silent birth for the headlines this week. They did, however, do their best to get engaged to a prince and, being cunning linguists, tried to invent a few words to more confusingly express themselves. Most of this is probably due to the high lead content of the sacks they’ve been licking.

Breaking the News - November 19, 2010 is also available on Vimeo.

The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators: @joeschmitt, @arjunbasu, @almostfancyblog, @bedheadblonde, @blobert, Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW, @davio1962, @donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @formerlycarrmah, @goldengateblond, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch, @iamnotdiddy, @iowaradioguy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @northpacific, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslich Sam Battin, @ShawnaShawna, @slag_mag, @succitaM, @TheInfamousGdub, @thejohnblog, @unfnshdprsn, @yayaa.

For the actual stories

Percentages Don’t Lie

Articlarious Linkage

I Swear to Care

Stole the Coloring Pages Too

Start Kissing Frogs

Don’t Lick Sacks

They’ve Been Bugged

Life’s Great Big Fat Mystery

Whatever, Favre

Shhh…Baby on Board

Clinton Embraces the Thai

Transcript

Happy Friday! Here are some headlines from this week…sort of.

In our top story, a recent Gallup survey indicates that former vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin has her highest negative ratings since hitting the national stage. The survey found that 52% of people have a negative opinion of Palin, while only 40% have a positive opinion of her. 7% have no opinion, but really like taking surveys. 4% like moose. 3% think Tina Fey is hot. 2% think all grizzlies wear glasses. 98% wonder why the hell the press is still talking about Palin. And 1% think the milk they just drank went rogue and don’t feel so good.

In other Palin news, reportarinos surfacillated this weekelydoo that Sarah Palin’s makeupified unword “refudiate” has been adderunded to the Oxford American Dictiorama publibookacation. Languaginators specaguessify that the groupommittee will votichoosify to adderund the conblendatraction “youbetcha” to the follownextry editionarium.

During a recent orientation session, M.D. and staunchly anti-Obamacare freshman Congressman from Maryland, Andy Harris, demanded to know why he would have to go a month without healthcare before his government subsidized policy took effect. In response to public criticism, Harris updated his status to, “Hey, I have an obligation to complain. I took the Hypocritic Oath.

Reports have surfaced that author George W. Bush plagiarized passages from other books when writing his newly released memoir, Decision Points. An unnamed source at Crown Publishing stated, “We should have caught it in the chapter about waterboarding suspects in the Hundred Acre Wood.” The former President responded to these allegations in a press conference saying, “Plagiarizumification? Umpossible!”

In international news, in Great Britain, Prince William has finally become engaged to his long-time girlfriend Kate Middleton. When asked why Ms. Middleton has waited around for so long, aimlessly hoping to become engaged, a source close to the soon-to-be princess told reporters that she was determined to maintain her amateur status until she was too old to compete.

New concerns have been raised about the levels of lead found in reusable grocery bags. Industry insiders say that at check out, baggers will now be instructed to ask leaded or unleaded.

In science news, last week, British scientists released genetically modified mosquitoes in the Cayman Islands in an effort to stem dengue fever. Reports indicate that the experiment seems to be succeeding, as one Cayman resident said in a statement to the press, “Bzzzzz bzzzz bzzzzz bzzzz bzzzzz bzzzz bzzzz.”

In health news, a formerly morbidly obese man lost weight by eating less and choosing more nutritious food options. His discovery is being hailed as a “miracle breakthrough” and inside sources say the “No Duh Diet” will be sold to the public at GNC for $49.99 in Vanilla Shake and ChocoMadness Shake form.

In sports news, Brett Favre has announced once again that he will be hanging up his cleats and retiring from professional football at the end of the season. In response to this revelation, Breaking the News has announced that it is retiring from “Brett Favre is retiring from football” jokes. For now.

In entertainment news, John Travolta and Kelly Preston are determined to have a textbook “silent” Scientology birth for their expected child. The church demands that everyone involved not say a word and the child receives no medical testing for seven days. Inside sources say the newborn will be spoken to and have proper medical care after he pays the $3000 New Scientology Baby fee.

And finally, former President Bill Clinton visited Bangkok recently. As usual.

That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is brokanated…I dropbustified it.

(credits)

…one cunning linguist said in a statement, “Oh, I can use it in a sentence. ‘Refudiate is not a word.’”

Breaking the News - November 12, 2010

Posted on November 12th, 2010

The Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s “I’m an Idiot” Show are taking it to eleven this week. But not before several incidents of substance abuse, a bad Schwarzenegger impression and some NSFW-ness. Don’t worry…we only do the drugs because we’re smart. And they help us work up the nerve to poke a queen.

Oh, and a big, broken “THANK YOU!” to @celticwombat for his contribution this week.

Breaking the News - November 12, 2010 is also available on Vimeo.

The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators: @joeschmitt, @arjunbasu, @almostfancyblog, @bedheadblonde, @blobert, Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW, @davio1962, @donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @formerlycarrmah, @goldengateblond, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch, @iamnotdiddy, @iowaradioguy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @northpacific, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslich Sam Battin, @ShawnaShawna, @slag_mag, @succitaM, @TheInfamousGdub, @thejohnblog, @unfnshdprsn, @yayaa.

For the actual stories

President Escapes Explosive Ash

Party Poopers

Mexican Tunnel Bong

You Can “Like” the Queen, Just Don’t LIKE the Queen

Makin’ Bacon

Chocolate Coins Worth More than Real Coins

The “Duh” Report

What is the Sequence for Bat?

Now They’ll Eat Pie Instead of Calculating It

Tokenator

Kid Cab

I Hear Dead People

Mariah Feels a Little Prick

Make Kim Your MasterKardashian

Transcript

Happy Friday. Here are some headlines from this week. Sort of.

In our top story, this week the President had to cut his trip to Indonesia short because of nearby volcanic activity. A White House spokesperson said in a press conference, “The President was disappointed at having to leave early, but nobody wants to be around for a massive ash evacuation.”

On Monday, a fire on a Carnival cruise ship caused major power outages leaving passengers stranded without access to food and running water. A representative from the Coast Guard said in a statement to the press, “You don’t want to know what we witnessed on the poop deck.”

Late last week, authorities discovered a tunnel at the border of the U.S. and Mexico that contained 20 tons of marijuana. A representative from the Border Patrol said in a press conference, “Dude. Raddest…bong…EVER!”

In international news, Queen Elizabeth officially joined Facebook this week. Experts say that this will give many curious people the opportunity to poke a Queen. Just in case they didn’t get a chance to in college.

The UK also announced that it has signed a deal to export breeding pigs to China. A representative from China says that the pigs that don’t breed or “have issues” will be sent to Yonkers to, “explain to their mothers why they don’t yet have grandpigs and what are they waiting for because nobody’s getting any younger.”

Based on a new report, economists predict that the price of chocolate could soon increase by more than seven times. One industry insider warned, “Eventually, 100 Grand might not be just a clever name for a candy bar.”

In the wake of San Francisco’s banning of some children’s meals containing toys, new research shows that most kids’ meals offered in fast food restaurants exceed a child’s recommended daily intake of calories and sodium. The research also indicated that most research only points out the obvious.

In science news, in order to further scientific and medical genetic insights, Ozzy Osborne has become one of the few people to have his genome fully sequenced. Researchers confirm that Ozzy’s genome does not go to eleven.

A report released this week claims that intelligent people use more drugs than their less brainy counterparts. In a press release, the President of MENSA said, “Duh. It is a lot easier to look down upon people when you’re high as a kite, you dimwitted plebian.

In a related story, during a recent television appearance, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger told Jay Leno, “no one cares if you smoke a joint anymore. You want a hit off my Govenator Bong?”

This week a Nevada woman was charged with attempted child abuse after allowing her 12-year-old son to drive her home after she had been drinking. Sources at the scene say the woman was shocked at being pulled over telling police officers, (slurs drunkenly) “I swear, occifer, I thought he was a way better driver. (hiccough)”

In music news, La Toya Jackson has gone on record along with many family and friends as not believing that Michael Jackson’s voice is heard on the newly released song “Breaking News.” Other things that are not Michael Jackson’s voice include: Bud Light’s “Real Men of Genius;” Billy the Big Mouth Singing Bass; all post-1992 Michael Jackson albums; ambchop; perators who are standing by; ovie trailers; and the crazy guy in that one Simpsons episode.

In entertainment news, Nick Cannon claimed this week that acupuncture helped his wife get pregnant. A source close to the couple says his misunderstanding is due to the fact that Mariah keeps making reference to a “little prick.”

And finally, in other entertainment news, Kim Kardashian now has her own branded MasterCard. Sources say it comes with a big-ass credit line.

That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…it’s only because this one goes to 11.

Thank you, @celticwombat!

Breaking the News - November 5, 2010

Posted on November 5th, 2010

The Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s “I’m an Idiot” Show appreciate democracy, but the news doesn’t get to decide whether or not it will be broken. Busted headlines are an executive order. And execute is pretty much the best word for it. Google’s been naughty, we dare you to climb Everest to try to get good 3G coverage, and we don’t need no m*ther f*cking crocodiles on this m*ther f*cking plane.

Breaking the News - November 5, 2010 is also available on Vimeo.

The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators: @joeschmitt, @arjunbasu, @almostfancyblog, @bedheadblonde, @blobert, Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW, @davio1962, @donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @formerlycarrmah, @goldengateblond, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch, @iamnotdiddy, @iowaradioguy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @northpacific, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslich Sam Battin, @ShawnaShawna, @slag_mag, @succitaM, @TheInfamousGdub, @thejohnblog, @unfnshdprsn, @yayaa.

For the actual stories

Hanging the Chads

Fined with Spankings

Searching for Google’s Money

The 90s Called

Tweet from Everest

They’ll Just Want to Count Them Again in 20 Minutes

Should Have Been in a 1 Quart Bag

Scrapped for Parts

We’ll Try Not to Care

Froy Dion? Canay Dion?

Hide if You’re Michael Jackson

Transcript
Happy Friday. Here are some headlines from the last couple of weeks weeks. Oh yeah…sort of.

In our top story, voters in the U.S. went to the polls on Tuesday for midterm elections. Reports indicate that many voters left their polling places without casting votes because they were unable to find the “Like” button.

In New York, a judge ruled that a 4-year-old child could be sued for negligence in an accident. Reports say that parents are rejoicing over the legal culpability of, “This is why we just can’t have nice things!”

Reports have surfaced that Google has avoided paying high corporate taxes by shifting its income around the world. Sources confirm that the IRS was easily able to discover the tax shelters after a quick Google search.

In a related story, Google has declared itself a tax-free, sovereign nation, called the Democratic Republic of Google dot com. They assure authorities the designation is legitimate citing, “We have a map to it, so it must exist.”

In other business news, last week, Sony announced that it has ceased manufacturing cassette walkmans. Industry insiders are just as surprised as you are that Walkmans even still existed. When asked why Sony was still making the cassette walkmans, their spokesperson admitted, “Well, really we’ve just been selling off the last box we manufactured in 1989.”

Late last week, the world’s highest 3G mobile network was set up on Mount Everest. Coincidentally, 3G customers across the world still have to climb to the top of their houses to get decent coverage, however, the Sherpa is not included.

In international news, this week China kicked off its once a decade census. A representative of China’s census department said in a statement to the press, “We were supposed to do it earlier this year, but we wanted to execute a few more prisoners so it would be an even 2 billion. The Chairman likes round numbers.”

Recently, a crocodile got loose on an internal flight in the Democratic Republic of Congo, causing the plane to crash and kill 19 passengers. Experts say this tragedy could have been avoided if the passengers had only had nail clippers, toothpaste tubes, bottles of shampoo and lip gloss with which to defend themselves.

With Halloween recently behind us, many Americans have focused their attention on somewhat ghoulish social issues. One such issue is the question of donating one’s body after death. As a public service, Breaking the News offers you these Ten Uses for Your Body After You Die: Sawing-a-person-in-half practice, Chicago voter, Lady Gaga wardrobe piece, Golden Globes chair filler, Tea Party spokesperson, carpool dummy, Jimmy Fallon audience member, effigy substitute, mannequin or fueling mission to Mars.

In “kind of celebrity” news, Russell Brand and Katy Perry tied the knot in India last week. Sources say Perry posted the following on her Twitter account: “Greatest gift you can give us is respect and love during this private time. After we get back, you may resume your mindless star worship and continue to pad our bank accounts.”

In other celebrity news, Celine Dion has given birth to twins. A source close to the family says that to honor the role of music in her life, she named the set Nicalo Dion and Accor Dion.

In other entertainment news, CBS announced that it is creating a show called “The Same Name” in which everyday citizens temporarily trade places with their famous counterparts. Hollywood insiders confirm that David Hasselhoff is actively in search of anyone with the same name so he can negotiate a permanent trade.

That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…it must be a mandate. Hmm…I’d like a man date.

This just in, sources confirm that @joeschmitt has refused to switch places with Harry Potter in CBS’ new show.

Use Your Brain. Retain. - Final Day!

Posted on November 2nd, 2010

This is it! My last day of retaining water. And hopefully our first day of retaining skilled and fair Supreme Court Justices.

I don’t want my state Supreme Court justices having to worry that every time they make an unpopular decision, they’re going to lose their jobs. They’re supposed to make unpopular decisions. That’s why these things are decided in courts, not by groups of bloggers and commenters on the internet. Or by hateful special interest groups.

Let the judges do the judging!

Vote “yes,” Iowa.

Back Story and Links

I don’t usually get political, but this is a big deal. We have excellent Supreme Court Justices on the bench in Iowa and a highly regarded process for getting and keeping them there. Please don’t allow money and hateful voices from outside our state to destroy the justice and impartiality we experience here on a daily basis.

Click through to these pages and find article after article written by people entrenched in Iowa’s legal system and learn why voting yes to retain our justices is the only smart choice for Iowa.

Websites and Articles:

Learn Iowa Courts website

Fair Courts For Us website

Cityview’s Clear Article on the Topic

The Register’s Take on It

The Business Case

The Conservative Case

Drake Law Student’s Easy to “Get” Perspective

Facebook Pages:

Fair Courts for Us

Vote Yes for Iowa Supreme Court Justices

Justice Not Politics

Iowans for Fair and Impartial Courts

Homegrown Justice Tour

And, just in case you think the justices aren’t fair or impartial:

A Summary of the Iowa Supreme Court’s Ruling on Same-Sex Marriage

These are just a few of the places where you can find information about this debate. I encourage you to do some research and listen to the voices of reason and not the voices of hate.

In the meantime, I’ll be bloating. That’s how much I believe in this.

Use Your Brain. Retain. - Day 8

Posted on November 1st, 2010

I was so busy drinking water and eating salty foods all weekend that I didn’t make videos for days 6 and 7. Rest assured that I retained. I hope you’ll do the same.

Stop by faircourtsforus.com and learniowacourts.org for more information.

Back Story and Links

I don’t usually get political, but this is a big deal. We have excellent Supreme Court Justices on the bench in Iowa and a highly regarded process for getting and keeping them there. Please don’t allow money and hateful voices from outside our state to destroy the justice and impartiality we experience here on a daily basis.

Click through to these pages and find article after article written by people entrenched in Iowa’s legal system and learn why voting yes to retain our justices is the only smart choice for Iowa.

Websites and Articles:

Learn Iowa Courts website

Fair Courts For Us website

Cityview’s Clear Article on the Topic

The Register’s Take on It

The Business Case

The Conservative Case

Drake Law Student’s Easy to “Get” Perspective

Facebook Pages:

Fair Courts for Us

Vote Yes for Iowa Supreme Court Justices

Justice Not Politics

Iowans for Fair and Impartial Courts

Homegrown Justice Tour

And, just in case you think the justices aren’t fair or impartial:

A Summary of the Iowa Supreme Court’s Ruling on Same-Sex Marriage

These are just a few of the places where you can find information about this debate. I encourage you to do some research and listen to the voices of reason and not the voices of hate.

In the meantime, I’ll be bloating. That’s how much I believe in this.