Breaking the News - September 24, 2010
Posted on September 24th, 2010
The Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s “I’m an Idiot” Show dabble in witchcraft, while walking for the small sum of not $20,000. Soon they will be kicked off the cheerleading squad for reporting secret details about Mark Zuckerberg.
Breaking the News - September 24, 2010 is also available on Vimeo.
The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators: @joeschmitt, @arjunbasu, @bedheadblonde, @blobert, Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW, @davio1962, @donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @formerlycarrmah, @goldengateblonde, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch, @iamnotdiddy, @iowaradioguy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @northpacific, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslich Sam Battin, @ShawnaShawna, @slag_mag, @succitaM, @TheInfamousGdub, @thejohnblog, @unfnshdprsn, @yayaa.
Transcript
Happy Friday. Here are a few headlines from this week…sort of
In our top story, across the pond, British scientists have declared that London is due for a “killer earthquake.” While this warning comes during the same week the city is being visited by the Pope, the Vatican denies there is a connection. In an official proclamation, the Holy See confirmed that, “London is due for an earthquake because of the pact it made with the Devil to send Simon Cowell to America.”
Here in the U.S., because of recent negative press about Facebook’s privacy standards, CNN did some digging this week and reported these six surprising facts about Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg:
1) Favorite book: PRIVATE
2) Favorite food: PRIVATE
3) High school: PRIVATE
4) Birthday: PRIVATE
5) Siblings: PRIVATE
6) Level of desire to own everyone’s personal data and use it for financial gain: PRIVATE
According to CNN, 37,593 people like this. However, Zuckerberg’s comments on this report have been protected.
This week Delaware Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell admitted she had dabbled in witchcraft in high school. We wanted to find out if this is a big deal with voters, so we went to the streets to hear what people thought.
@beasy2487: Yeah, Christine O’Donnell did witchcraft, but she only dabbled. I mean, it’s kind of like giving the Devil a blowjob. She’s still a virgin.
@heathermitch: Alright, so you’re telling me that she dabbled in witchcraft in high school. I’m just shocked. I mean, she went to high school??
@thejohnblog: I really can’t make an informed decision until you bring me a duck and we get Christine O’Donnell on that scale.
@kickassjen: Sure, Christine O’Donnell dabbled in witchcraft, but she didn’t swallow.
@joeschmitt: Dabbling in witchcraft is no big deal. It’s like when anti-gay preachers dabble in sex with male prostitutes. It’s all cool.
@cloudya: (silent)
@NortonSports: It’s true Christine O’Donnell practiced witchcraft, but she didn’t float.
@greeblemonkey: It’s no big deal. It’s like everything else. It took work and practice, so then she lost interest.
@Miss_Cook: Who hasn’t dabbled in witchcraft? I mean, I do it 2 or 3 times a day sometimes. Wait…“dabbling in witchcraft” is just another euphemism for masturbation. Right? Right??
@jinxybee: NON MASTURBATING WITCHERY 4LIFE! Woo-hoo!
A woman who suffered severe acid burns and gained worldwide sympathy by claiming she’d been brutally attacked has admitted that she inflicted the wounds upon herself. In a press conference, she claimed that her actions were uncontrollable after accidentally watching an entire episode of “The Hills.”
In entertainment news, a recent report reveals that Jersey Shore’s Snookie rakes in a staggering $20,000 to walk a red carpet event. The reality star’s reps also stated that for an additional $10,000 it’ll just be the cost that is staggering and not the celebrity.
A six-year-old Michigan girl was recently thrown off her cheerleading squad after her mother objected to one of the squad’s “booty” cheers. The squad’s coach, however, didn’t see any issue with the suggestive cheer, saying in an interview, “We’re simply trying to prepare our children for their future careers as overpaid reality show stars.”
And finally, a couple was recently kicked out of a hotel by the hotel’s manager after posting a negative review of the place during their stay. In a statement, the manager claimed he had no choice but to kick them out and refuse to refund their stay, saying, “Hey, we have a legendary negative rating to uphold here.”
That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…I dabbled in witchcraft.
Breaking the News - September 17, 2010
Posted on September 17th, 2010
The Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s “I’m an Idiot” Show put on their meat dresses and broke the news again. This week JLo tries to have her way with American Idol, George Michael goes in search of a date and some students have to interface I-R-L. It’s so intense. Also, The Donald plans to erect something.
Breaking the News - September 17, 2010 is also available on Vimeo.
The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators: @joeschmitt, @arjunbasu, @bedheadblonde, @blobert, Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW, @davio1962, @donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @formerlycarrmah, @goldengateblonde, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch, @iamnotdiddy, @iowaradioguy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @northpacific, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslich Sam Battin, @ShawnaShawna, @slag_mag, @succitaM, @TheInfamousGdub, @thejohnblog, @unfnshdprsn, @yayaa.
Transcript
Happy Friday. You know the deal.
In our top story this week, Burger King announced that its new Brazilian CEO will be giving the fast food chain a complete makeover. A representative of the company said in a press conference, “What this really means for the customer is no more hair in the food.”
Also in business news, in an attempt to keep children safe online, Google’s new Google Instant search engine will block searches for words deemed to be “dirty.” Insiders say this has caused outrage among city leaders in Penis, Rhode Island and Vagina (Va HEE nuh), Venezuela.
A report released late last week revealed that 25% of translators working alongside American troops in Afghanistan failed language proficiency exams. The report also indicated that another 37% didn’t even know where Afghanistan was, but thought they could see it from Sarah Palin’s house.
In international news, the Eiffel Tower was evacuated as Paris fell victim to a bomb threat on Tuesday. Lindsey Lohan’s publicist breathed a sigh of relief, stating, “I’m just glad it was Paris getting bombed for a change.”
In other international news, a Russian official has been fired after making young boys kiss his feet following a grueling workout. A source inside the Kremlin says the man fled the country before he could be further reprimanded and is now a high school football coach in Texas.
A new study has found that overweight men last longer in bed. The Turkish researchers who led the study can’t explain the phenomenon, but theorize that being heavier just makes it more difficult for them to get out of bed.
In a bold move to defuse the current situation, Donald Trump has offered to purchase the property near Ground Zero where a controversial Muslim community center is set to be built. A source close to The Donald says he will of course, “erect something understated and tasteful. As usual.”
In entertainment news, outrageous fashion-forward popster Lady GaGa attended the MTV Video Music Awards in a dress made of some kind of meat in support of vegetarianism. A source close to the star says she was forced to wear the dress by her mother who said, “You better wear your meat dress, young lady because there are poor children in Africa who have no clothes at all.” GaGa’s only public statement was, “Eat me.”
In other celebrity news, on Tuesday, George Michael’s publicist announced that he will be going to jail for 8 weeks, saying in a press release, “He has decided that it’s time to start dating again. Somewhere where anal sex isn’t frowned upon.”
Also in Hollywood, Fox announced that J Lo will be the new judge on American Idol. Inside sources say the deal almost fell through, but Ms. Lopez finally accepted the job even though the network couldn’t meet all of her demands. Breaking the News obtained JLo’s official list of demands, which included, among other things, being allowed to spit whenever Ben Affleck’s name was mentioned, a chair made of live Peruvian cabana boys and water made from the tears of her assistants.
In a related story, the show’s producers have announced that at least one episode of “bad” auditions will be comprised entirely of scenes from Gigli.
And finally, students at Harrisburg University in Pennsylvania have been banned from using online social media for a week. According to sources at the school, students are unsure how they will socialize if all they can do is sit around and talk to each other.
That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken, you know I’m going to tweet it.
Breaking the News - September 10, 2010
Posted on September 10th, 2010
The Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s “I’m an Idiot” Show hate rats this week, but reviews are mixed on Lady Gaga. School makes kids queasy, especially if it’s named after Al Gore. And Mark Zuckerburg is the “new Caesar.” What does it all mean? The answer is human.
Breaking the News - September 10, 2010 is also available on Vimeo.
The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators: @joeschmitt, @arjunbasu, @bedheadblonde, @blobert, Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW, @davio1962, @donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @goldengateblonde, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch, @iamnotdiddy, @iowaradioguy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @northpacific, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslich Sam Battin, @ShawnaShawna, @slag_mag, @succitaM, @TheInfamousGdub, @thejohnblog, @unfnshdprsn, @yayaa.
Transcript
Happy Friday. Here are some headlines from this week…
International events top our news this week.
The leaders of Israel and the Palestinian Authority met recently to try and work out an elusive peace agreement, under the watchful eye of American Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton. Said Clinton of the seemingly impossible mission, “True, others have failed. But I have a secret weapon. Bill will be enjoying cigars with their wives while they are negotiating. That should bring them to terms quickly.”
Also in international news, the Chilean miners trapped underground after a mine collapse were recently denied a request for alcohol and cigarettes and were provided with nicotine patches instead. Sources say other requests denied include Pisco Sours, Crystal Meth, a 67 Impala and Gary Coleman among others.
Meanwhile, controversy broke out above the ground when the miners’ mistresses confronted the miners’ wives over who should receive government compensation for the accident. Experts say that secret gay lovers continue to be under-represented in the issue. In response, one of the miners was heard saying, “Once again, we’re shafted.”
In Africa, large rats are now being trained to sniff out landmines. In a press conference, trainer Niko Mushi said, “Of course, these are ‘one time use’ rats. But, not only are we getting rid of land mines, we’re also putting a dent in Tanzania’s long time rodent problem.” He then added, “ I really, really, really hate rats. And Lady Gaga. But I’m going to work with the rats first.”
Here in the U.S., in an odd bid to increase tourism, the government has implemented a tourist tax, charging everyone who visits the country an extra $14. However, the $14 will be rebated to any visitor who can solve a riddle about what creature walks on four legs at dawn, two legs at noon, and three legs at sunset. Washington insiders confirm that President Obama will demand that Muslims and pregnant Mexicans about to deliver anchor babies be exempt from the fee.
In what experts are calling a clear response to a Florida pastor’s threat to burn the book, a version of the Qur’an was released in the Amazon store containing a virus that will set your Kindle ablaze between 6 and 9pm on September 11th. As of press time, Amazon had announced that it will provide refunds for the purchases of this book in the form of a Visa gift card, valid for any purchase other than at the Apple store.
Early in the week it was reported that a school in Los Angeles named after Al Gore was making students sick. Sources say that everyone suddenly felt much better after the former vice president announced the formation of a task force and prepared to fly out to investigate.
This week in ridiculous sex news, a British doctor was found dead in the chimney of her ex-lover’s house, a judge in Canada got in trouble for having appeared on a pornographic website dedicated to interracial sex, Canadian police officers were reprimanded for filming lesbian prisoners having sex, and Tiger Woods was named to America’s Ryder Cup team. Inside sources say Breaking the News does not make this crap up.
In celebrity news, on Wednesday Lou Reed refused to allow British sweetheart Susan Boyle to sing one of his songs on America’s Got Talent. A source close to Reed said his logic was sound claiming, “All singers should have more than one eyebrow.”
And finally, Vanity Fair released its list of the 100 most influential people on Thursday. The list ranks Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg #1, calling him “the new Caesar. Because he’s a little bit chicken but good at dressing.”
That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…I’m the new mayor of Chicago.
(It’s a human.)
Breaking the News - September 3, 2010
Posted on September 3rd, 2010
The Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s “I’m an Idiot” Show are attempting to get a raise by combating that not-so-fresh feeling. In the meantime, people are coming out of closets and hiding cocaine in places. And the good news is, the kingdom goes to the heavy drinkers.
Breaking the News - September 3, 2010 is also available on Vimeo.
The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators: @joeschmitt, @arjunbasu, @bedheadblonde, @blobert, Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW, @davio1962, @donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @goldengateblonde, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch, @iamnotdiddy, @iowaradioguy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @northpacific, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslich Sam Battin, @ShawnaShawna, @slag_mag, @succitaM, @TheInfamousGdub, @thejohnblog, @unfnshdprsn, @yayaa.
For the actual stories
A Mine is a Beautiful Thing to Waste
Transcript
Happy Friday. Here’s the news…or something.
In our top story, former Republican National Committee Chair Ken Mehlman came out of the closet this week and said that he would lead the fight for recognition of gay marriage and other issues from within the Republican party. Said Mehlman in a press conference, “I can’t believe this comes as a surprise to anyone. I so obviously enjoyed fucking the country up the ass, especially the gays.”
In international news, 33 miners in Chile are stuck a thousand feet below the surface after a massive cave-in at a mine. Sources say they are not likely to be rescued for months and experts at NASA have been consulted on how to sustain the miners for long periods of isolation. One expert warns, however, that if they are left down there long enough they will, “come out as diamonds.”
In other international news, late last week, passengers on a British Airways flight from Hong Kong to London were startled when, by mistake, an emergency message came on over the PA system warning them that the plane was about to crash. Breaking the News was able to get a hold of this exclusive copy of the recorded message:
(ANNOUNCER) Ladies and Gentlemen, we do apologize for interrupting what has probably been quite a delightful flight thus far but it seems as though the pilots have got us into bit of a scrape and our cheery, airborne vessel appears to be headed toward the pond for what will likely be a slightly rough water landing. Please do, if you don’t mind, go ahead and put down your tea and, if it’s quite alright with you, fasten those seat belts and then, if it pleases you to do so, prepare to kiss your arse goodbye. It has truly been a pleasure serving you on this merry trip. We realize you do have a choice in airlines when plummeting to your death and we thank for your foolishness in flying with us. Cheerio and good day.
Here in the U.S., in response to the recent salmonella outbreak, the egg industry is blaming consumers of eggs for risking their own health. Breaking the News received this statement released to the press:
(EGGspert) “Look, you people knew EGGsactly what you were doing. And we KNOW you are EGGsaggerating your symptoms, (EGGspecially YOU!) You’re eating something out of the nether regions of a chicken. What did you EGGspect? Therefore, we feel EGGsempt from any blame. Now, if you will EGGscuse me!”
EGGsellent. Thank you.
In what most people believe to be an attempt at satire the makers of Summer’s Eve feminine products were ridiculed for suggesting that douching was the first step required for a woman to get a raise at work. Marketing executives at Summer’s Eve insist that the campaign is legitimate and that women across the nation are in a constant battle to break through the ass ceiling.
In celebrity news, heiress Paris Hilton was arrested on Friday for possession of cocaine. Hospitality industry insiders confirm that this answers the age-old question of Coke versus Pepsi. Obviously, all Hiltons carry Coke.
In other entertainment news, the new line up for Dancing With The Stars has been officially announced. After the announcement, producers denied rumors that the show is being renamed “Dancing with the People Who Have to Get on A Show, Any Show, Before They Lose Their Representation.”
Also in Hollywood, Zsa Zsa Gabor’s husband rushed her to the hospital on Tuesday morning after she became “unresponsive.” A source close to the family says that it turns out her condition was not life threatening saying, “Apparently she wasn’t in the mood that morning and her husband just couldn’t take the hint.” 911 operators report that since the introduction of Viagra this is the #3 reason for elderly calls behind heart attacks and falls.
And finally, a new study released this week concludes that heavy drinkers live longer than non-drinkers. Results of the study are good news for tabloids, as Lindsay Lohan is expected to live to be 153 years old.
That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…I need to start drinking more.
