Breaking the News - August 27, 2010

Posted on August 27th, 2010

This week, the Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s I’m an Idiot Show are Muslim and still keep on breaking the news. Everything is huge this week. The traffic jams are huge, the Iranian bombers are huge, the divorce settlements are huge and even the misspellings are huge. We don’t make this stuff up. Mostly.

Breaking the News - August 27, 2010 is also available on Vimeo.

The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators: @joeschmitt, @arjunbasu, @bedheadblonde, @blobert, Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW, @davio1962, @donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @goldengateblonde, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch, @iamnotdiddy, @iowaradioguy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @northpacific, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslich Sam Battin, @ShawnaShawna, @slag_mag, @succitaM, @TheInfamousGdub, @thejohnblog, @unfnshdprsn, @yayaa.

For the actual stories

Poll Suggests We Are 20% Morons

Plenty of Jam in China

The Gibber is Scary

It’s Not the Size of the Bomber That Matters

Mexicans Steal All Kinds of Jobs

Someone Can Buy Lots of Meatballs

Whe Cna Spel Gud

Who Will Oust the Mayor of Haiti?

Transcript

Happy Friday. Headlines headlines…sort of…whatever.

In our top story this week, results of a new poll suggest that one fifth of Americans believe that President Barack Obama is a Muslim. Experts aren’t quite sure why this misconception persists, but one group insists he can’t possibly be a Christian politician because, “He’s never cheated on his wife or paid for sex in a bathroom.”

In international news, a 60-mile long traffic jam in China has entered its second week. Officials warn that the bottleneck could take months to clear. A proud Communist Party official said in a statement to the press, “This is the first traffic jam you can see from space. And we are pleased to announce that dim sum sales in Beijing are through the roof.”

In other international news, Saudi Arabia is being urged by the international community not to paralyze a man as punishment for his accidentally paralyzing another man during a fight. Saudi Arabia is now considering whether or not to punish the man by making him take a ride in a car with Mel Gibson.

Also overseas, Iran released photos of its new, four-meter-long unmanned bomber, which President Ahmadinejad dubbed “Ambassador of Death.” In response, we have received this official statement from the U.S. Department of Defense.
DoD SPOKESGUY : Ambassador of Death? More like, Ambassador of Overcompensation, if you know what we mean.

Back here in the states, Miss Mexico won the Miss Universe crown in Las Vegas this week. Sources at the competition say that while she tried her best, Miss USA did not wow the judges this year, finishing far behind contestants from countries such as the Philippines, Venezuela and Australia. Here, with her thoughts on Miss Mexico’s win, is the lovely Miss USA, Rima Fakih:

Miss USA: I can’t believe I lost to a lousy Mexican. From Mexico. Look, I know I lost to everybody else too, but losing to Miss Mexico sucks worse than I do during rush week! OK, Mama? You did NOT hear that. The sucking part.

And, here’s the other thing, I thought that Mexicans were all illegal and stuff. I mean, isn’t that what we’ve been hearing on the news? Well, not that I watch the news. But my mama’s boyfriend told me. He also said Mexican babies are, like bombs, or anchors or something.

And Miss Mexico’s idea for world peace was about tacos. No no no, that was my idea, and it was awesome! I mean, think about it. If everybody just had a taco, they would chill and we’d be, like, all happy, and peaceful and the Arabs wouldn’t want to kill us. Because everybody loves a good taco. Even the Arabs. Arab. Arab. Aaarab. That’s a funny word.

You know what else? I love tacos! I love tacos. You know when I love ‘em most? Is late at night when you’re high as a… Where were we?

Oh yeah. The wall. That wall that we built? Wasn’t supposed to keep people like her out? I mean how’d she even get to Vegas in the first place?

Oooh, and you know what I saw? I saw her stuffing her bikini with cocaine. Lots and lots of it. It’s like all they do. They stuff their bras and their bikinis and their underwear and their cucarachas with Mexican cocaine. If Mexico didn’t make all that cocaine, America would be just fine. We’d be much better off and we wouldn’t have any problems.

YOU LOUSY WETBACK, YOU TOOK WHAT’S MINE! MINE! Go back to Santa Fe, or Pueblo, or wherever it is you steal our jobs from.

Oh, and PETA! Mexicans like bullfighting! They love it! How do you like your Miss Universe now? Can I get a refill please?

KATHY: OK. Thank you Miss USA. Get some help.

In other news, Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren’s divorce was made final this week. Nordegren’s part of the settlement is reported to be upwards of $200 million. Or, sources say, about a buck for every time Tiger was unfaithful. With the settlement, Nordegren becomes the second largest industry in Sweden after IKEA.

Because everyone knows pretty much everything about this break-up, we sent out our roving reporter, Jeremy Bingaman, to gauge the public’s reaction to this epic divorce:

JEREMY: Thanks, Kathy. I went to the streets to “TEE UP” our viewers about what they thought of the Elin and Tiger divorce. As you’ll see most of them are on “PAR” with how much of the country feels.

MAN 1: Now that she’s single, I bet Tiger thinks she’s really hot.”

WOMAN 1: She got $200 million. That’s like twice as much as he’s ever made with a nine iron.

WOMAN 2: I don’t get golf at all. Tiger sinks his balls and she gets all the money?

WOMAN 3: I think with all that money, she should like buy Haiti and, like, give it to Wyclef Jean.

MAN 2: Swedish chicks are so hot. Especially ones with $200 million.

JEREMY: Has anyone ever told you that you look kinda like

MAN 2: No

JEREMY: As you can see, Kathy, public opinion about Tiger Woods is still “IN THE ROUGH” in this situation. However, a little “BIRDIE” told me that because Elin hasn’t been so “CADDIE” through this entire situation, she’s poised to come out as one of America’s most eligible bachelorettes, with scores of men wanting to … “BUNK-ER…” sand trap. Back to you…

KATHY:Good one, Jeremy. Thank you.

Officials in North Carolina were left red faced when the word “school” was misspelled on a road approaching a high school recently. They quickly blamed the spelling on the fact that Barack Obama is a Muslim.

And finally, Singer Wycleff Jean’s bid to run for the Presidency of Haiti was dealt a blow this week when the country’s electoral commission announced he was ineligible. In a brief press conference following the ruling, the former Fugee said, “Don’t worry fans, I’ll show them. One more FourSquare check in and I’ll be the mayor anyway.”

That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…I’m a Muslim.

I guess the exception proves the rule. Elin went black AND she’s going back.

Breaking the News - August 20, 2010

Posted on August 20th, 2010

We spent the week waiting on the edges of our seats to hear what Brett Favre would finally decide. At least for now. This one is better than Cats. You’ll laugh, maybe cry a little bit, and probably spill something. Of course, neither The Axis of Clever nor Kathy Landin’s “I’m an Idiot” Show are responsible if you do.

Breaking the News - August 20, 2010 is also available on Vimeo.

The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators: @joeschmitt, @arjunbasu, @bedheadblonde, @blobert, Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW, @davio1962, @donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @goldengateblonde, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch, @iamnotdiddy, @iowaradioguy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @northpacific, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslich Sam Battin, @ShawnaShawna, @slag_mag, @succitaM, @TheInfamousGdub, @thejohnblog, @unfnshdprsn, @yayaa.

For the actual stories

Faster Than an Annoying Mouse

We Promise to Pull Out

Quarterback and Forth

If You Build It

Sham Ham

Ladies Don’t Make Money

Big Hair Don’t Lie

Hilton’s Head

Bieber Loves You More Than You Will Know

Probably Actual Tears from a Crocodile

Surewood Forest in 3D

Transcript

Happy Friday. Here are some headlines from this week…sort of.

In our top story, earlier in the week the Obama Administration announced plans to begin construction on a national high-speed rail system. According to a press release, the 200mph bullet train system will transport passengers from Orlando to Los Angeles in, “less time than it takes Mickey Mouse to annoy the hell out of everyone.” DC insiders report that Senate Republicans intend to derail the project.

In other political news, the commander in charge of NATO forces in Afghanistan, General David Petraeus, says he is all against a “rapid pullout” from Afghanistan, stating, “I would rather lie about pulling out and then just not return the phone calls.”

This just in: Brett Favre has announced that he will retire from football to fill one of the open judge seats on American Idol.

Controversy has continued to swirl around plans to build a mosque and Islamic community center at Ground Zero in New York City. When it was pointed out that the mosque would not be at Ground Zero but two blocks away, opponents said that anywhere near Ground Zero would still be offensive. When asked to define “near,” opponents said “anywhere in North America.”

This just in: Brett Favre is set to announce his retirement from American Idol.

In the UK, leading scientists predict that artificial meat will be grown in vats by the year 2050. Sources in the industry say this “meat” will be sold as “sliders” and available through outlets called “White Castle.”

A recent study out of Cornell University found that men are more likely to cheat on women with bigger paychecks. The same study concluded that women are more likely to cheat on men with smaller packages.

This just in: Brett Favre has called WFAN radio in New York and told them that he is hungry for a corndog.

Embattled ex-Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich was found guilty of lying to the FBI this week. Legal experts say he plans to appeal the verdict with the argument, “I didn’t lie. I’m just too stupid to keep my facts straight.”

In other hair news, socialite and media darling Paris Hilton is being sued by her hair extensions company for what they refer to in their lawsuit as, “being a cootie magnet.”

This just in: Brett Favre has just held a press conference outside of Minneapolis to announce that instead of a corndog he would like some Funions.

In the world of entertainment, prepubescent pop star Justin Bieber said Kim Kardashian is “extremely hot.” Kardashian responded in a press release saying she was flattered and that while she thinks Bieber is cute, she isn’t looking to adopt right now.

This just in: ESPN is reporting Brett Favre may shave this morning. Or he may not. In an unexpected twist, he’s not sure.

Also in Hollywood, starlet Heidi Montag is mourning the death of her plastic surgeon. A source close to Montag says, however, that nobody can tell because her face is incapable of showing it.

This just in: We are now hearing that Brett Favre has decided to put his left shoe on first. But the almost maybe retired quarterback may change his mind and put his right shoe on first. Now he’s announcing that he will definitely put his left shoe on first. No…the right…Wait…the left…Wait…Word from the Favre camp is that he will be going barefoot today.

Wait. This just in: GQ confirms that it has received a cancellation notice from former NFL great, Brett Favre. They have decided to offer him 80% off newsstand price and are awaiting his next move.

Hold on. This just in: ESPN is now announcing that they have scheduled a one-hour slot during prime time on Friday for Jim Gray to interview Brett Favre on his decision regarding his possible continued subscription to GQ Magazine.

And finally, movie director James Cameron has announced that he will team up with environmental groups to plant more than one million trees around the world, with half the trees to be planted in earthquake-ravaged Haiti. Environmental experts claim the effect on global warming may be negligible since many of the trees would be computer generated 3D images and not real trees at all.

That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…

Ok. This just in: Brett Favre has no opinion on the Ground Zero mosque. But he does like mascarpone. No wait. He likes salami. But not Hungarian.

Wait. Reports are in that Brett Favre HATES salami. He despises it. No. Wait. Except Hungarian. He loves Hungarian salami.

Wait. Now he’s not so sure. He might be confusing it with bologna. Hold on. Brett Favre is announcing that he definitely loves country ham. He LOVES his ham.

Maybe. He isn’t sure. Brett Favre has announced a press conference for tomorrow. No. Monday. Wait. Brett Favre has to go the bathroom. He is sure about that. But first he wants to wink at the cute girl with the big boobs.

Brett Favre definitely likes big boobs.

Breaking the News - August 13, 2010

Posted on August 13th, 2010

Friday the 13th, try as it might, cannot stop us from breaking the news. The Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s “I’m an Idiot” Show discuss the finer points of the U.S. economy, French culture and workplace tirades. There’s some innuendo mixed in for good measure.

Breaking the News - August 13, 2010 is also available on Vimeo.

The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators: @joeschmitt, @arjunbasu, @bedheadblonde, @blobert, Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW, @davio1962, @donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @goldengateblonde, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch, @iamnotdiddy, @iowaradioguy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @northpacific, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslich Sam Battin, @ShawnaShawna, @slag_mag, @succitaM, @TheInfamousGdub, @thejohnblog, @unfnshdprsn, @yayaa.

Transcript
Happy Friday. Here are some headlines from the last couple of weeks…you know…sort of.

In our top story, a new report from the Commerce Department confirms that incomes in the United States plummeted in 2009. Despite this news, a spokesperson from the department encouraged Americans to see the positive side as sales of crystal meth, tainted meat and just enough rope skyrocketed during the same time period.

In other economic news, analysts now say the United States’ recession has grown bigger and flatter on the bottom. In response to this, the market said, “Um, yeah, uhh…no thanks. Umm…I was kind of looking for a recession that was more…umm…you know, taller and thinner with some…you know, like…junk in the trunk. Know what I’m sayin’?”

In tech news, MySpace unveiled its new homepage design this week. Inside sources say that both of the site’s remaining users are very excited about the interface overhaul.

In international news, North Korea fired more than 100 rounds at the Yellow Sea on Monday. North Korean leader Kim Jong Il justified the attack saying, “After the recent rains, the sea had been encroaching on my territory. This aggression will not stand.”

A young French tourist survived a fall into the Grand Canyon over the weekend. According to emergency responders, he had suffered multiple, serious injuries but was conscious when they arrived. Breaking the News was able to get this audio from sources at the scene. (AB’s VO) Sacre bleu! Stupid American canyon! You call this a canyon? You stupid Americans, Catherine Deneuve’s cleavage, now that is a canyon. You Americans, I fart in your general direction. Our health care system is so much better than your stupid American system that I have already cured myself.
Reports can neither confirm nor deny that emergency crews left the man to fend for himself.

In other French news, the body of a famous French chef who has been missing for two years was found in the freezer of his girlfriend’s home. Witnesses at her arrest say she told officers, “Zut alors! I don’t know what all ze fuss is about. The recipe said revenge is a dish best served cold.”

In the latest from Capital Hill, Newt Gingrich’s ex-wife revealed messy details of their relationship, excoriating the presidential wanna-be in an interview with Esquire saying, “The Wizard may have given him brains but what he really needed was a heart. And maybe an additional organ as well. If you know what I mean.”

On Monday, JetBlue flight attendant, Steven Slater, lost his temper with a disobedient passenger, let out a tirade of swear words over the PA, grabbed a beer and exited the aircraft by opening the emergency door and sliding down the inflatable escape slide. Industry experts explain this phenomenon saying, “Some jobs have golden parachutes…other jobs have yellow escape chutes.”

A new report published online this week has linked dry pet food with an outbreak of salmonella amongst children. Said one expert from the parenting website that published the report, “Uhhh…what are you people feeding your kids?” The report went on to describe symptoms to watch for in your own children such as, excessive drooling, aggressive behavior toward postal workers, the desire to chase objects such as cars or cats, begging at the table and sniffing butts. These symptoms, however, are not cause for concern if present in in-laws, however.

In sports news, Tiger Woods’ eligibility for the Ryder Cup has been up in the air recently. In a statement to the press, Tiger’s people assure his fans that he will be ready to compete in the tournament, providing this update on his state of mind: Yes, Tiger blew this one for a change. He hasn’t been in control of his club lately. Things are hard for Tiger right now. He needs something to perk him up. His ego needs to be stroked. He’s just had some stiff competition recently. He’s had a tough row to hoe. This hump might be slow and grinding but we think he’ll come through in the end. Woods’ manager ended the press conference saying, “What?!”

Last Monday, after serving 14 days of a 90 day sentence, Lindsay Lohan was released from jail and ushered to rehab in an unmarked van. Sources at the scene say that as the van pulled away Lohan laughed, flipped the warden the bird and said, “Ha ha. Joke’s on you, Rehab is the name of a bar.”

And finally, Rod Stewart, international man of music and hot blondes announced that he will become a father, for the seventh time, just after his 66th birthday next May. A source close to the family says he and his leggy wife, Penny Lancaster, are adding to the brood so that their son can have a younger sibling, just like the rest of his siblings. Said Stewart in a press release, “They don’t call me Rod for nothing.”

That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…You know what? If the news is broken, it’s not my f*cking fault. You know whose fault it is…it’s the f*cking writers. Yeah, f*ck you, writers. Oh you think you’re soo funny. You can’t even write a simple news story. You gotta make ‘em all weird and silly. And, oh, I don’t know, we’ll get Kathy to read ‘em. Everybody already thinks she’s an idiot. No problem! You got Joe Schmitt sitting around like he’s funny. Well, f*ck you, Joe Schmitt! And whose f*cking idea was it to put a Canadian on the team?! I mean, every story has got to have a f*cking apology. What the f*ck is up with that?! You know what? Somebody inflate the slide and get me a beer because I am outta here.