Breaking the News - July 30, 2010
Posted on July 30th, 2010
It’s Friday. There was news. We broke it.
It happens.
Breaking the News - July 30, 2010 is also available on Vimeo.
The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators: @joeschmitt, @arjunbasu, @bedheadblonde, @blobert, Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW, @davio1962, @donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @goldengateblonde, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch, @iamnotdiddy, @iowaradioguy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @northpacific, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslich Sam Battin, @ShawnaShawna, @slag_mag, @succitaM, @TheInfamousGdub, @thejohnblog, @unfnshdprsn, @yayaa.
Transcript
Happy Friday! Here are some headlines from this week. You know…sort of.
British Petroleum and Sarah Palin top our news again this week. Tony Hayward, beleaguered boss of BP, has been asked by the company to take a position in Russia, in lieu of leaving the maligned organization completely. Inside sources say that upon hearing of his transfer, Sarah Palin expressed excitement because she will soon be able to see him whenever she wants.
Also in Russia, a prolonged heat wave has caused far-reaching drought, leading to massive, uncontrolled forest fires. Said one Russian official in a press conference, “We aren’t really sure what the issue is. As usual, we’ve been dousing the problem with vodka, but the fire just keeps getting bigger.”
In other international news, reports have surfaced in Baghdad that Iraqi militants are stealing blood from hospitals. Although Iraqi authorities don’t know what the militants are doing with the blood, they have been able to identify one of the alleged thieves. In a statement to the press, one official said, “He was tall, thin, pale and had dreamy eyes and sparkly skin. (pause) But we lost him when he walked in front of a mirror.”
In a related story, a report published Tuesday by the Special Inspector General for Iraq Reconstruction revealed that the Department of Defense allowed 8.7 billion dollars to, “become unaccounted for.” Breaking the News talked with a DoD spokesperson to find out just how a major government office misplaces nearly 9 billion dollars.
REPORTER
I have with me Pentagon Spokesman Chad Huntington. Thanks for being with us today, Mr. Huntington.
DoD
Hello. Glad to be here.
REPORTER
Did the Department of Defense lose $8.7 billion dollars in Iraq?
DoD
Yes, it’s true. 8.7 billion dollars is missing. But I don’t know what the big deal is.
REPORTER
But, sir, that’s a lot of money.
DoD
No, no, no, no. That barely covers a month of the war! I mean, just barely. It’s chump change. A few fighters jets here, a couple of hellcate missles and a couple of drones.
REPORTER
So you’re saying that 9 billion dollars doesn’t matter?
DoD
Exactly. The DoD budget for this year alone is 600 billion dollars. 9 billion dollars is just petty cash. You should see the expense account we had for McChrystal’s going away party! Incredible. We had these hookers show up in Burkhas, see? And then they had all this hash. It was so great.
REPORTER
But sir, that’s 9 billion dollars!
DoD
Hey, look. We still have Saddam Hussein’s head.
REPORTER
You have a point. Back to you, Kathy.
Not surprising.
In the U.S., political experts report that Republicans running for reelection this November will be running on a strict “No” platform. Said Senator Mitch McConnell of Kentucky, “No jobs. No taxes. No fun. No salt. No titty [bleep] bars. No! NO! NOOOOO!” Other items that will be included in the “No” platform are: NObama, no pants, no tree huggers, no diggity and no duh.
In other news from our nation’s capital, the National Building Museum in Washington DC is featuring replicas of 15 famous skyscrapers built entirely of Legos. Included are Chicago’s Willis (under breath “Sears”) Tower, the Empire State Building and the Burj Khalifa in Dubai. Patrons of the museum are invited to stay for a night in any one of the towers provided they are no taller than .7 inches and have the proper receptacles on their feet.
Earlier this week, low cost carrier Southwest Airlines caused a stir when they asked a “thin” customer to give up her seat on a Sacramento flight to make more room for a “hefty” passenger. Inspired by this move, European low cost airliner Ryanair will begin asking thin passengers to double-up in seats and Delta and United have announced plans to begin tagging smaller passengers to be valeted for pick up at the end of the jet bridge upon deplaning.
In tech news, Apple unveiled its Magic Trackpad for Mac desktop computers on Monday. One industry expert agrees that the device is an advancement among similar devices and leads the way in concept and design, but says it is not likely to catch on with consumers due to a “programming flaw that causes it to mimic my ex-wife and not function unless you touch it EXACTLY right.”
In entertainment news, Amanda Bynes announced to the world that she will be coming out of retirement only one month after deciding she would get out of the “biz.” Much to the dismay of Green Bay fans, the Vikings plan to have her start in their home opener.
And finally, a rare zebra-donkey hybrid was born at a Georgia wildlife refuge this past week. Scientists there are now working on an elephant-donkey hybrid, with the hopes of raising taxes to help lower Georgia’s $2 billion deficit. Inside sources say they plan to name the resulting creature Joe Lieberman.
That’s it. I’m Kathy. And in Soviet Russia…the news breaks you.
Breaking the News - July 23, 2010
Posted on July 23rd, 2010
We aren’t doctors, but we play them on TV, so we’ve doctored up a photo or two for you. Also, get your LiLo and Palin updates and find out whose bag isn’t worth more than a dime. And we have your exclusive opportunity to push Glenn Beck from a plane. Once again, The Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s I’m an Idiot Show have broken the news. Even if just a little bit behind schedule.
This one is in memory of Dave Landin, who would have celebrated his 61st birthday today.
Breaking the News - July 23, 2010 is also available on Vimeo.
The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators: @joeschmitt, @arjunbasu, @bedheadblonde, @blobert, Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW, @davio1962, @donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @goldengateblonde, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch, @iamnotdiddy, @iowaradioguy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @northpacific, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslich Sam Battin, @ShawnaShawna, @slag_mag, @succitaM, @TheInfamousGdub, @thejohnblog, @unfnshdprsn, @yayaa.
For the actual stories
You Don’t Have To Put On the Red Light
Transcript
Happy Friday! Here are some headlines from this week…sort of.
In our top story, evidence surfaced this week that BP used Photoshop to doctor a publicity photo of its disaster war room. BP’s newest PR representative says they are doing everything they can to cap negative information to keep it from leaking out in the future.
In international news, China announced that it is deeply troubled by its slow economic growth. Financial analysts point to the reduction in stimulation but assume the government will soon take a more hands-on approach. One government official reportedly asked, “Our growth rate isn’t that small, is it? It’s really pretty average, right?”
Hockey Mom, Sarah Palin, compared herself to Shakespeare on Twitter this week, proclaiming that, “English is a living language. Shakespeare liked to coin new words too,” as she defended the use of words such as “misunderestimate” and “refudiate.” Hmmm…neither one of those work in Words With Friends. Maybe Scrabble is more Libertarian . . . m . . . i . . . s . . . there I go. 122 points!
In technology news, communities across the country are banning once popular red light cameras as a form of law enforcement. Experts say red light districts, however, are still popular with many voters.
Apple CEO Steve Jobs defended the iPhone’s allegedly poor reception by claiming that rival Blackberry’s “ugly talking devices” also suffer from dropped calls. Said Jobs in a press conference, “It doesn’t matter how well your antenna works if nobody wants to look at you, or caress you, or touch your buttons.” A Blackberry spokesperson pointed out that while the phones are similar in many ways, the Blackberry is the only one of the two smart phones that “doesn’t get returned.”
In weather news, a heatwave oppressed much of the central section of the United States this week, prompting weather experts to release excessive heat warnings for many residents. Weatherman Jason Balmy has this report. Jason?
JASON: Oh my God! It’s so unbelievably hot! It’s burn your feet on the hot sand hot, it’s bonfire in July hot, it’s fry an egg on the asphalt hot! Look, every place is hot! Texarkana: Hot! Memphis: Hot! Tupelo: Hot! Cape Giarardeau: Hot! It’s hot Hot HOOOOOOT! In other words, Kathy, it’s hot. Back to you.
That certainly was excessive.
In entertainment news, conservative talk show host and Fox News contributor Glenn Beck is auctioning a helicopter ride and dinner with him and his wife. At air time, the current bid was $75,000. Said one bidder, “$75,000 seems a reasonable price to pay for the opportunity to push Glenn Beck out of an aircraft.”
Earlier this week, Paris Hilton was blunt as she responded to allegations that authorities found pot in her purse. Said Hilton, “I wasn’t arrested for pot, I was arrested for HOT. Quick, somebody call the police . . . this purse is so cute, it’s killing me.”
On Tuesday, actress Lindsay Lohan began serving what is expected to be 12 days of a 90 day jail sentence. Hollywood insiders say, coincidentally, that is the same number of minutes most audience members make it through one of her films.
And finally, scientists discovered that feeding cows and sheep coriander and turmeric, two spices commonly found in curry, can reduce the animals’ greenhouse gas emissions by up to 40%. There is no word yet if this also works on husbands.
That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken, it’s gotta be the double rainbow.
Read This Post, I Say
Posted on July 20th, 2010
A few months ago, the government was revisiting the military’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy.
This inspired me to express my thoughts on the topics of integration, segregation and discrimination. But not very many people read the blog post. So I’m posting it again because I think it’s pretty darn good…if I do say so myself, which I just did…and more people should see it.
Therefore, I re-give you: Orange Sock Underground
Read it. Love it. Live it.
Breaking the News - July 16, 2010
Posted on July 16th, 2010
This week The Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s I’m an Idiot Show prove that size does indeed matter, French politicians have the hair and Hugh Hefner and Roman Polanksi both look forward to keeping some things private. No…seriously.
Breaking the News - July 16, 2010 is also available on Vimeo.
The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators: @joeschmitt, @arjunbasu, @bedheadblonde, @blobert, Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW, @davio1962, @donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @goldengateblonde, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch, @iamnotdiddy, @iowaradioguy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @northpacific, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslich Sam Battin, @ShawnaShawna, @slag_mag, @succitaM, @TheInfamousGdub, @thejohnblog, @unfnshdrambler, @yayaa.
For the actual stories
Transcript
Happy Friday! Here are some headlines from this week…sort of.
In our top story, on Sunday, police in the Bahamas finally tracked down and arrested the 19-year-old American known as the “Barefoot Bandit.” The youngster has racked up a long list of criminal charges that includes robberies and the crash of a stolen plane. Authorities say he will be extradited to the custody of his mother who has promised to punish him harshly by, “Taking away his Grand Theft Auto privileges for a couple of weeks or so.”
In international news, French President Nicolas Sarkozy brushed off allegations of illegal donations by L’Oreal heiress, Liliane Bettencourt this week. In an interview the President claimed, “In an overwhelming majority, French politicians are clean. And have great hair.” He went on to say that even if the allegations were true, it shouldn’t matter, because he’s worth it.
In World health news, condom manufacturers have been asked to produce their products in smaller sizes for men in India because they “keep slipping off.” In a related story, international shoe and glove makers have also been asked to produce their products in smaller sizes.
On Wednesday, BP began testing a new cap for its leaking well in the Gulf. In a statement to the press, a spokesperson from the company said, “Up until now, we just couldn’t seem to get the size right. The last cap was always slipping off or leaking. It’s like someone forgot that these are Indian pipes, which are way too small and dinky for those large girth American pipe caps.”
Recent reports about the size of Sarah Palin’s campaign fund have pundits speculating about her next move. When asked what she planned to do with her million dollar war chest, Palin responded, “That’s just another liberal media lie. This boob job only cost twenty grand. How do you like them apples?!”
Also from the Palin blotter, after the NAACP voted on a resolution Tuesday condemning Tea Party Supporters as racist, Alaska’s former governor said in a statement to the press, “The NAACP is clearly anti-America, and ungrateful for all America has done for its members. Hey, it’s not like anyone forced those people to come here anyway.”
In entertainment news, on Monday Swiss officials denied the U.S.’s request to extradite Roman Polanski, famed director and fugitive accused of raping a 13-year-old girl in California in 1977. Sources close to the now free man say Polanski wishes only for his privacy and the privacy of his unnamed number of “appropriately aged companions.”
And finally, Playboy founder Hugh Hefner has offered to buy back all shares of the company he built and take it private. In a statement released by his publicist, Hefner says he made the offer because, “this way I can try and masturbate all by myself.”
That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…I need smaller shoes.
Breaking the News - July 9, 2010
Posted on July 9th, 2010
As the internet takes its last, dying breaths, we are sentencing you to 3 minutes of watching this week’s (sort of) headlines. Maybe Justin Bieber will be back from North Korea (aka The Mall) by the time you’re done.
Breaking the News - July 9, 2010 is also available on Vimeo.
The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators: @joeschmitt, @arjunbasu, @bedheadblonde, @blobert, Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW, @davio1962, @donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @goldengateblonde, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch, @iamnotdiddy, @iowaradioguy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @northpacific, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslich Sam Battin, @ShawnaShawna, @slag_mag, @succitaM, @TheInfamousGdub, @thejohnblog, @unfnshdrambler, @yayaa.
For the actual stories
Cries a River Going Up the River
Transcript
In our top story this week, police in Portland, Oregon are investigating allegations that former Vice President Al Gore sexually harassed a masseuse there. During questioning, the masseuse told the police that Al Gore does indeed have a, “very, very, very small carbon footprint.”
Despite the mess in the Gulf of Mexico, as well as a public boycott of service stations across the country, the Department of Defense continues to purchase oil from BP. In a statement to the press, an official from the Department said, “You don’t see anyone attacking us from the Gulf of Mexico, do you? Do you?”
In news from the Hill, long standing Senator Robert Byrd of West Virginia passed away last week at the age of 92. Political experts agree that Senator Byrd has begun what is likely to be the best filibuster ever.
In a related story, broadcasting legend Larry King announced his retirement from Larry King Live late last week. Hollywood insiders say King was asked to retire after it was determined that renaming the show Larry King Barely Alive would not have a positive effect on the ratings.
Also in entertainment news, Justin Bieber is on his way to North Korea after an online vote choosing his next tour destination. The Bieber camp was quick to deny that the singing sensation thought North Korea was a “suburb of Los Angeles” and added that Bieber is looking forward to working in a labor camp, malnutrition and combing the hair of North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il every hour upon the hour.
In other internet music news, Prince declared the web “completely over.” He also said that his next “album” will be “gramophone” friendly and should appeal to men and women who still wear jackets with puffy sleeves.
A federal judge in California sentenced the people of jail to 90 days of Lindsay Lohan this week. Human rights activists are appalled and continue to protest the cruel nature of the punishment on behalf of all California inmates.
In sports news, the World Cup played on this week and it never seemed to end. Ever. Causing the CEO of BP, Tony Hayward to complain that he’d just like to have his life back.
In Japan, a major scandal engulfed the world of sumo wrestling. We didn’t care about that either.
As of Tuesday, and after a battery of tests, South African runner Caster Semenya has been proven to be female and is cleared to race as such in events around the world. Sources say that Elena Kagan is next up for testing.
And finally, scientists announced this week that neck measurements are better indicators of body fat than BMI, particularly if the neck touches the chest. Researchers went on to say that you could also assess someone’s level of obesity by measuring the width of their backside. Or simply by looking at them.
That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…I just got sentenced to 90 days of Lindsay Lohan.
