Breaking the News - June 25, 2010
Posted on June 25th, 2010
The President hasn’t relieved us of our duties, so The Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s I’m an Idiot Show talk about money, larger than life celebrities, Miley’s mini mouse and ketchup. Because you should always use condiments.
Breaking the News - June 25, 2010 is also available on Vimeo.
The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators: @joeschmitt, @arjunbasu, @bedheadblonde, @blobert, Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW, @davio1962, @donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @goldengateblonde, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch, @iamnotdiddy, @iowaradioguy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @northpacific, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslich Sam Battin, @ShawnaShawna, @slag_mag, @succitaM, @TheInfamousGdub, @thejohnblog, @unfnshdrambler, @yayaa.
Transcript
Happy Friday! Here are some headlines from this week…sort of.
In our top story, the now former U.S. commander in Afghanistan, General Stanley McChrystal, was recalled to Washington after telling Rolling Stone magazine he was disappointed in President Obama. The President held a lengthy meeting with McChrystal, during which sources say the commander in chief told the General to “drop and give me 20.”
In an effort to raise revenue, California lawmakers are considering a bill that will place advertisements on the state’s license plates. Experts agree that if there’s one place California drivers look most often, it’s the license plate of the car in front of them.
In international news, after much prodding by the U.S. government, China announced it would finally allow its currency to rise against the American dollar. They also announced that they would be adding lead to it, because, “why not?”
Spurred on by nations such as Japan, Iceland and Norway, the International Whaling Commission began talks on whether or not to lift the 24-year moratorium on commercial whaling. In a possibly related development, Kirstie Alley has announced that she refuses to swim in open waters.
More than 20,000 people gathered at Stonehenge to celebrate Summer Solstice this past Monday. Once they stopped skipping and chanting, British authorities put them in cages and will exhibit them in developing nations, state fairs and the remaining Ripley’s Believe it or Nots.
Earlier this week, Sri Lankan President Rajapaksa denounced his critics during a lavish victory pageant. He then taunted everyone by challenging them to say his name ten times fast.
In business news, Amazon decided to slash the price of its e-ink reader, Kindle, acknowledging that Apple’s iPad can do everything the Kindle can do and then some. Following suit, book seller Barnes and Noble reduced the price of its worthless e-reader, and then added that their devices are now 8-track and Betamax compatible.
Shares of ketchup maker Heinz soared after reports surfaced that it had purchased one of China’s largest makers of soy sauce, Foodstar. Stock analysts predict that consumers will now use ketchup, and then use it again fifteen minutes later.
A recent study found that more and more doctors are refusing Medicare patients. Inside sources say physicians are tired of the same old arthritis, overactive bladder and arrhythmia cases and want to see, “more stuff like they have on House.”
In entertainment news, American Idol announced that it’s dropping the minimum age of contestants to 15. Hollywood insiders say this move follows complaints by the show’s host, Ryan Seacrest, that the contestants are always taller than him.
Singer and Lilith Fair poster child, Vanessa Carlton, announced at a recent concert that she is a “proud bisexual woman.” When pressed for comments, spokespeople from both genders replied, “thanks, but no thanks.”
Up in Canada, Miley Cyrus ended up showcasing more than she bargained for at the MuchMusic Video Awards, including her inability to sing or dance and her…um…minnie mouse. However, most Americans were surprised not by the wardrobe malfunction but by the fact that Canada has TV at all.
And finally, studies show that members of Generation Y are getting married at a later age than their counterparts in previous generations. Many young adults cite not being able to decide which set of parents to live with as the main obstacle to marriage.
That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…General McChrystal is disappointed.
Breaking the News - June 18, 2010
Posted on June 18th, 2010
This week, if you can hear us over the vuvuzelas, The Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s I’m an Idiot Show will tell you all about how to get campaign contributions from BP, why eating at Sizzler may or may not be a good idea and Jimmy Dean’s final wishes. Tear yourself away from the World Cup for 5 minutes of your life you’ll never get back.
Breaking the News - June 18, 2010 is also available on Vimeo.
The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators: @joeschmitt, @arjunbasu, @bedheadblonde, @blobert, Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW, @davio1962, @donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @goldengateblonde, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch, @iamnotdiddy, @iowaradioguy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @northpacific, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslich Sam Battin, @ShawnaShawna, @slag_mag, @succitaM, @TheInfamousGdub, @thejohnblog, @unfnshdrambler, @yayaa. (And these peeps too: @AshamedToSay, @giromide, @jinxybee, @heathermitch, Sara)
For the actual stories
Transcript
Happy Friday! Here are some headlines from this week…sort of.
In our top story, Republican Representative Joe Barton of Texas startled his colleagues when he apologized to British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward for the “shakedown” by the White House. In a House committee hearing, Barton referred to the White House’s demand that BP set up a $20 billion slush fund as a “tragedy,” and then apologized to BP for all of the fish and salt water presently befouling the company’s new Gulf of Mexico oil fountain. He later also apologized to Americans when it became clear that even his Republican colleagues thought he had gone too far. And then he became a Canadian.
In a related story, House Representative Anh “Joseph” Cao of Louisiana suggested that BP executives commit ritual suicide in the wake of their handling of the Gulf oil disaster. When he suggested hara-kiri, older lawmakers misheard the name of legendary announcer Harry Carey and stood up and sang a rousing rendition of “Take Me Out to the Ball Game!”
Also in Washington, at a Senate hearing on Tuesday, General David Petraeus slumped over unexpectedly as Sen. John McCain was questioning him about military actions in Afghanistan. The General’s wife said there was no cause for concern, claiming, “He does the same thing every time I ask him to take out the garbage.”
In a final story from Capitol Hill, reports surfaced this week that the Obama White House is getting tough on leaks. Pundits everywhere now refer to Obama as President Huggies.
After coming under intense criticism for a new law that targets anyone suspected of being an illegal immigrant, Arizona lawmakers have introduced a bill to deny citizenship to the American born children of illegal immigrants. An Arizona lawmaker assured the public that the law is humane, saying in a press conference, “At least we’re not going to shoot them.”
Also in Arizona, last week police arrested nine undocumented workers at two Sizzler steak houses in Phoenix. As a result, the restaurant has released a new menu, on which not a single item is less than $100, reflecting the actual costs of hiring legal workers.
The New York Times’ standards editor has asked writers to abstain from using “tweet” as a verb, calling it too colloquial. From now on, he suggests saying that someone “mind-farted on Twitter.” Times editors will, however, continue to use the term “bling” because they believe in keeping their young readers interested.
Pork patriarch, Jimmy Dean, passed away in his home on Sunday. Sources close to the family say services have not yet been scheduled as Mr. Dean has a shelf life of several years.
In sports news, the FIFA World Cup started in South Africa last week. And as World Cup fever gripped America, we sent out our cameras to capture the excitement.
[CLIP] Man 1: What’s a FIFA? Woman 1: Ok, so, I don’t get why they have to call it football. Woman 2: Is South Africa a country like South America or what? Woman 3: So, which country is Brett Favre playing for? Woman 4: I don’t really “watch” the games. I just keep the sound off and keep my “personal massager” by my side.
That does sound exciting.
Meanwhile, the use of vuvuzelas — a long plastic horn popular with South African soccer fans — at the World Cup has sparked international debate about the level of tolerable noise at a sporting event. With this in mind, experts have put together a list of other debatable sounds that may or may not be music to our ears, including: Fran Dresher’s laugh, car alarms at 4 in the morning, Nickelback, the one shopping cart I always get and fans of Justin Bieber among others.
And finally, red-faced officials at Wendy’s restaurants had to pull millions of CDs from kid’s meals this week when some parents objected to Donna Summer’s 70s disco hit “Last Dance,” which was included on the compilation, because it’s “so, so, so bad.” The restaurant chain promptly replaced the CDs with South African vuvuzelas.
That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…(inaudible over vuvuzela) it must have been the vuvuzela.
Breaking the News - June 11, 2010
Posted on June 11th, 2010
This week we eat our shirts, hold you closer and get the <bleep> out of Palestine, but only if you enjoy our headlines…shaken, not stirred.
Breaking the News - June 11, 2010 is also available on Vimeo.
The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators: @joeschmitt, @arjunbasu, @bedheadblonde, @blobert, Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW, @davio1962, @donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @goldengateblonde, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch,@iamnotdiddy, @iowaradioguy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @northpacific, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslich Sam Battin, @ShawnaShawna, @slag_mag, @succitaM, @TheInfamousGdub, @thejohnblog, @unfnshdrambler, @yayaa. (And these peeps too: @auntmarvel, @heathermitch)
For the actual stories
Transcript
Happy Friday! Here are some headlines from this week…sort of.
In our top story, long time White House reporter Helen Thomas retired last weekend after controversy erupted when she told a rabbi at the White House that the Israelis should “get the hell out of Palestine.” Thomas claims that she was misunderstood when her dentures suffered a Fixodent malfunction and that what she really said was, “I collect shells as a pastime?” Sources confirm that she often rambles incoherently, but always ends her statements as a question, just in case it’s her turn.
In the continuing story from the Gulf of Mexico, BP announced that it will be spilling nuclear waste into the gulf, adding green to the already black and brown patterns on top of the water. Officials from the company hope the “camouflage” pattern will make the mess on the Gulf hard to recognize.
The US Labor department has reported that only 431,000 new jobs were added last month; the lowest increase since January. Adding to the disappointment, the Labor Department went on to note that more than 90% of those jobs were temporary US Census workers and the other 10% were factory workers hired to attach suspenders to empty barrels.
In order to reduce waste, the state of California made progress toward their efforts to ban plastic shopping bags this week. However, state lawmakers were quick to assure constituents that dimebags will still be perfectly legal under the new law.
In international news, the Japanese Prime Minister, Yukio Hatoyama, resigned recently because he failed to honor a campaign promise. When former governor Rod Blagojevich heard this, he laughed and asked, “No, seriously, why is he resigning?”
Reports surfaced this week that textile manufacturers have developed “smart clothes” that comfort the wearers. We sent out our cameras to get an expert’s view on this new fashion trend.
CLIP: Finally! Shirts made of chocolate!
In other technology news, on Monday Steve Jobs unveiled Apple’s new iPhone, expected to be released later this summer. Early reviews suggest it tastes more like regular Dr. Pepper.
Doctors writing for the Drug and Therapeutics Bulletin argued this week that male menopause does, in fact, exist. Women around the world had the following to say about this finding.
CLIP: Men can’t hit menopause– it’s not on the remote!
So true.
Tragically, a woman in Tennessee was struck by lightning and died this week, just before her boyfriend was about to propose. Theology and weather experts confirmed that never has there been a clearer sign from God not to get married.
In sports news this week, Jose Canseco told a grand jury that he doesn’t believe Roger Clemens took steroids because he’s never seen him use. Under cross-examination he said he was pretty sure, since this ranked very high on his No Way Jose meter.
In other sports news, Canadian figure skaters and medalists, Jamie Sale and David Pelletier, announced that they will be getting divorced. We go now to the newsroom for the full report.
CLIP: Sale said she filed for divorce after Pelletier refused to stop calling her a “triple sow cow.” Jamie went on to say that she doesn’t give a “flying sit spin” what happens to David. She never signed up for the “long program” and plans to “skate freestyle” from now on. She also originally wanted to wait for his “death spiral,” but there are rarely fatal accidents in pairs skating. (Except for that one Russian guy.) The whole thing has thrown them both for a “triple toe loop.” Live from the newsroom, I’m Estelle Attit. Back to you, Kathy.
You really know your skating terms.
In entertainment news, Rush Limbaugh held a lavish wedding in Palm Beach Florida on Saturday. The Hawaiian-themed ceremony was highlighted by a performance of Sir Elton John, singer, songwriter, openly gay man and outspoken gay rights activist. Asked to comment on why he decided to play for a man who’s always fought against gay rights, Sir Elton said, “the only thing more important to me than integrity is money. And Tony Danza.”
And finally, in a related story Alanis Morissette married her singer/rapper boyfriend, Souleye, in a recent ceremony. In a surprising twist it did not rain on their wedding day, which we find ironic. Isn’t it? That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…I’m getting the Hell out of Palestine. Or collecting shells as a pastime.
Breaking the News - June 4, 2010
Posted on June 4th, 2010
The Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s “I’m an Idiot” Show stayed together to break the news for you this week while the Gores split up their marriage, the Celine Dions split an embryo and some Indonesian kid splits a pack with his mom. Enjoy, and be cool to each other.
Breaking the News - June 4, 2010 is also available on Vimeo.
The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators: @joeschmitt, @arjunbasu, @bedheadblonde, @blobert, Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW, @davio1962, @donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @goldengateblonde, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch,@iamnotdiddy, @iowaradioguy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslich Sam Battin, @ShawnaShawna, @slag_mag, @succitaM, @TheInfamousGdub, @thejohnblog, @unfnshdrambler, @yayaa. (And these peeps too: Margo, @fensterbaby, @jinxybee, Amy Gray, Pamela, @auntmarvel)
For the actual stories
Transcript
Happy Friday! Here are some headlines from this week…sort of.
In our top story this week, former Vice President Al Gore is separating from his wife Tipper after 40 years of marriage. Sources confirm that Mr. Gore has failed in his attempt to invent the open marriage.
For a more in depth look at this story, we go now to Canadian, Arjun Basu. Arjun.
[CLIP]
There once was a couple named Gore
Who grew into the country’s great bore.
She wanted a man with a Presidential plan
And he just wanted more of a whore.
She said he was full of hot air
He called her a bear way “down there.”
He said “You’re not so chipper for a gal named Tipper”
And she slapped him in his fat derriere.
Thank you for that well-informed report, eh.
For more perspectives on the Gore split, we sent our cameras out to see how Americans feel about the breakup.
[CLIP]
WOMAN 1: Tipper?! I hardly know ‘er!
WOMAN 2: Who gets divorced after forty years?! Next we’ll hear that Keith Richards is leaving the Rolling Stones.
MAN 1: The last straw was when Tipper called Al a “gas bag.”
WOMAN 3: I heard Al told Tipper to lower her emissions “or else…”
WOMAN 4: All I’m saying is, never promise a lady she’s gonna live in a big White House, unless you’re gonna make good on it.
WOMAN 5: And the Clintons are still married? Amazing!
WOMAN 6: Well, I guess it’s official…everybody finds Al Gore boring.
Thank you, Americans.
In business news, Hewlett-Packard announced that it would be cutting 9,000 jobs on Tuesday. A spokesperson for the computer and accessories giant claimed the cuts were necessary as, “all the toner cartridges have finally been replaced.”
In other business news, Foxconn, the Chinese company that produces the iPhone, suffered its 10th employee suicide last week. Witnesses report that the man’s final words were “Give me Flash or give me death!”
In international news, a 2-year-old Indonesian boy has developed a 40 cigarette-a-day smoking habit. The mother defended her toddler’s smoking, saying, “it’s no big deal, he only likes to smoke while he’s drinking, and how many other 2-year-olds can count to 40.”
Here in the States, disgraced former governor Rod Blagojevich requested that the Supreme Court delay his corruption trial, which is set to begin this week, asking, among other things, that the Court decide whether or not the charges against him are constitutional. Other reasons Blagojevich gave for delaying his trial include:
• An endangered bird species has nested in his hair, which will inevitably die from the conditions of a courtroom.
• He needs time in case he gets called for Project Runway.
• He’s booked as an Elvis impressionist at the Sands next week.
• He needs some time to get addicted to heroin so he can appear on Celebrity Rehab.
• And, he can prove that Obama’s chair in the Senate was made of gold, and that he meant nothing sinister by his claim that the seat was “golden.”
The former governor’s complete list can be found at www.breakingthenews.tv.
In Utah, Lauren Rosenberg is suing Google for medical expenses and punitive damages because she was hit by a car when she followed Google Map directions to walk down a state highway with no sidewalk. Miss Rosenberg claims that this has been the most embarrassing incident of her life since that time she used Web MD to distinguish her ass from a hole in the ground.
And finally, in entertainment news, at age 42, Celine Dion is pregnant with twins. Dion’s husband-manager, 94-year-old Rene Angelil, woke from his thrice-daily nap and was thrilled to learn he’d be having two more grandchildr–uh, children. The couple does not yet know the gender of their twins, but they have assured fans that the birth will take place on a stage in Vegas surrounded by showgirls, millions of dollars in special effects, seven camels, a Rolls Royce and a giant vat of Poutine. Sources say good seats are still available.
That’s it, I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…I’m divorcing Al Gore.
