Breaking the News - May 28, 2010
Posted on May 28th, 2010
The Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s “I’m an Idiot” Show break the news while Koreans play games, diving birds dive into oblivion and a young someone goes to fetch a pail of water.
Breaking the News - May 28, 2010 is also available on Vimeo.
The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators: @joeschmitt, @arjunbasu, @bedheadblonde, @blobert, Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW, @davio1962, @donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @goldengateblonde, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch,@iamnotdiddy, @iowaradioguy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslich Sam Battin, @ShawnaShawna, @slag_mag, @succitaM, @TheInfamousGdub, @thejohnblog, @unfnshdrambler, @yayaa. (And these peeps too: Jihan, @heathermitch, @jinxybee)
For the actual stories
Transcript
Happy Friday! Here are SOME headlines from this week…sort of.
In our top story, tensions on the Korean peninsula mounted this week as South Korea continued to accuse North Korea acts of aggression, claiming in a statement to UN leadership, “They sunk our battleship.” The South Korean military spent much of this week engaged in psychological warfare, blaring Western pop music across the border and shouting details about the “Lost” finale before North Korean soldiers had a chance to watch it. In a sure sign that North Korea is preparing for protracted war, Kim Jong-Il tripled his normal order of women’s sunglasses and hair gel.
Here at home, reports surfaced of hundreds of pieces of undelivered mail from the early 1990s found in a Michigan postman’s shed. Some items discovered include: that last rent check you said you mailed me; a thank you note to Grandma for your 1991 Bar Mitzvah gift; and that letter you wrote breaking up with your girlfriend while you were still dating because you didn’t want to string her along. Also found buried deep in the pile, the best ever plan to save Detroit.
This week Huggies launched Jean Diapers for babies with discerning tastes. We hit the streets to find out what people really think about these new Jean Diapers:
[CLIP]
(Woman 1) I’m holding out for the skinny jean diapers for babies.
(Man 1) For a few extra dollars you can get the stone washed ones.
(Woman 2) So, does this mean that my kid doesn’t have to wear pants over the jean diapers? Does this mean that I can wear the jean diapers and forget about the pants?
(Woman 3) Do hipster babies wear super tight Huggies? And, if so, what do hip hop babies wear? And how low rise can a diaper get?
I can’t un-hear that.
On Monday, obeying the terms of her 2007 drunk driving arrest, Lindsey Lohan appeared before a Beverly Hills Superior Court judge. The judge ruled that in order to remain free on bond, Ms. Lohan must begin random drug tests, wear an alcohol monitoring bracelet, and convince Disney to change the name of “Herbie: Fully Loaded” to “Herbie: Safe and Sober.”
In a related story, the Alaotra Grebe, a small diving bird found only on one lake in Madagascar, was officially listed as extinct recently. Authorities predict that the next diving bird to be declared extinct will likely be Lindsay Lohan.
In other entertainment news, rap mogul Suge Knight denied pointing a gun in a man’s face this week, saying in a statement to the press that he’s “100 percent innocent.” Sources say that earlier in the day Knight had said he was 98% innocent, but then his legal team checked his math.
U2 front man, Bono, underwent emergency back surgery this week. Surgeons surmise that Bono’s back finally gave out after decades of carrying around his inflated ego.
And finally, on Saturday, 13-year-old American Jordan Romero became the youngest person to climb Mount Everest. All of us here at Breaking the News wish to congratulate him and his team, and say enjoy a disappointing life, Jordan, because it’s all downhill from here!
That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…I sunk your battleship.
Breaking the News - May 21, 2010
Posted on May 21st, 2010
This week, the Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s “I’m an Idiot” Show break the news missionary style in the midst of tornadoes, protests and tattooings, at least for as long as their attention spans will allow.
Breaking the News - May 21, 2010 is also available on Vimeo.
The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators: @joeschmitt, @arjunbasu, @bedheadblonde, @blobert, Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW, @davio1962, @donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @goldengateblonde, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch,@iamnotdiddy, @iowaradioguy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslich Sam Battin, @ShawnaShawna, @slag_mag, @succitaM, @TheInfamousGdub, @thejohnblog, @unfnshdrambler, @yayaa. (And this guy too: @Figliuolo)
Transcript
Happy Friday! Here are some headlines from this week…sort of.
In our top story, a Haitian court convicted American missionary, Laura Silsby, of arranging to transport 33 children out of the country following the January 12th earthquake. As she boarded the plane, Silsby reportedly said, “I always thought missionary style would get you a kid no matter what.”
In other international news, protests and a bloody government crackdown in Thailand raged on, despite the West’s continuing efforts to ignore the whole thing. In an attempt to call attention to the conflict, the US Ambassador to Thailand remarked, “If these Red Shirts in Bangkok keep this up, they’re going to lose their eligibility to protest in their 5th year.”
Arab American, Rima Fakih, was crowned Miss USA on Sunday. When word of this reached Osama bin Laden in his cave, he released the following statement: (bite) The corrupt American system of vanity has now crowned a Muslim woman. I’d declare victory if I weren’t already planning her stoning for appearing without a burqa. But she is from Michigan, so perhaps she has suffered enough. Bin Laden out. And death to the infidels.
Ohhhh…sama.
After 20 years on television, NBC has canceled its iconic series, Law & Order. (sfx) Executives say that with the decline of newspapers and print media, it’s just getting too hard to rip from the headlines. (sfx) Later, Mayor Bloomberg called an emergency session of the City Council, demanding to know “who’s going to save New York now?!” (sfx)
This week Arizona barred “ethnic studies” in its public schools. Not to be outdone, Illinois banned “ethics studies” from its public schools.
(sfx) In a related story, Sarah Palin told President Obama to “Do your job, secure our border,” at a rally on Saturday. She went on to say “Case in point: Just the other day, it was brought to my attention that there is an entire state full of New Mexicans.”
In response to the oil spill, the Gulf Coast Tourism Agency demanded that British Petroleum pay for an ad campaign to shore up their struggling tourism industry. Breaking the News was able to acquire this draft list of possible campaign tag lines: The Gulf Coast: It’s Slick!; Visit the 2% of Louisiana’s coastline that isn’t f*cked (sfx) up; The Gulf Coast: Once you go black oil, you never go back.
Also in the South…(sfx) Also in the South, the farm in Fairfax, Oklahoma, where scenes from the movie Twister were filmed was hit by a tornado, with the actual tornado taking a similar path as the one in the blockbuster. Warner Brothers immediately sued the tornado, saying “clearly the tornado has no imagination and has stolen our idea.” In a related story FEMA has called for the evacuation of Elm Streets nationwide.
A study was released this week linking pesticides on produce to ADHD in children. Sources say this research has been available to scientists for years, but they never got around to compiling it due to…
In an email exchange with an angry iPad user, Steve Jobs defended Apple’s strict AppStore control by claiming Apple offers the world “freedom from porn.” Mr. Jobs later clarified his remarks saying, “I meant ‘No more FREE porn.’ Now it’s $1.99.”
On Thursday, Pope Benedict XVI condemned gay marriage and abortion as “among the most insidious and dangerous challenges to society.” Later, the Vatican released the Pope’s Complete List of Insidious and Dangerous Challenges, including: something non-Catholics did that we all think is bad, blue M&Ms, capri pants, that time in the morning when you really have to pee but don’t want to get out of bed, Gallileo, deviled eggs, Bret Michaels’ bandana, eating communion wafers with your mouth open and many, many…many more. Pedophilia and covering up pedophilia while letting pedophiles continue to operate somewhere else did make the list, albeit at a lowly 64th and 65th place. The complete list is available at “breaking the news (dot) tv.”
And now we go to our very own Jason for commentary on YouTube’s fifth birthday. Jason? (clip) Jason: Along with Facebook and Twitter, YouTube revolutionized the way ordinary people share ideas, memories and newsworthy events. Millions of people . . . millions of people . . .Hey, hold on a minute! You could at least wait until I’ve finished my commentary! Wait! Wait! I need to express myself!
Thank you, Jason. I know the feeling.
Teen star Justin Bieber got his first tattoo this week. His publicist said this was done only so that “his corpse could be identified should one of his rabid fans kidnap and dismember him before dumping his body in a river off the interstate.” Hollywood insiders agree that Bieber’s inking is not nearly the disaster as that of former child star Danny Bonaduce and what is now “a grotesque representation of a stretched out partridge on his abdomen.”
(sfx) Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg celebrated his 26th birthday this week. Users observed the occasion by skywriting his social security number and mother’s maiden name over Nigeria.
And finally, an Australian filmmaker has recruited a number of young men and women to auction off their virginities to the highest bidder as part of a reality television show. Possible bidders on the virgins include: Richard Branson, that volcano in Iceland and Roman Polanski, among others. In fact, inside sources say Roman Polanski has offered to direct the series for free as long as he could “win every time.”
That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…(sfx) I’ve been ripped from the headlines.
Breaking the News - May 14, 2010
Posted on May 14th, 2010
This week, the Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s “I’m an Idiot” Show learn that any weirdo can get a book deal and the only fun we’re allowed to have anymore is playing the blame game. Unfortunately, this broadcast is not in 3D.
Breaking the News - May 14, 2010 is also available on Vimeo.
The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators: @joeschmitt, @arjunbasu, @bedheadblonde, @blobert, Bonehead Radio, @covertheearth, @CowboyW, @davio1962, @donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @goldengateblonde, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch,@iamnotdiddy, @iowaradioguy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslich Sam Battin, @slag_mag, @succitaM, @TheInfamousGdub @unfnshdrambler, @yayaa. (And these peeps too: @SugarJones, @dmann11, Chelsea Swanson and Shane Bender Jr.)
Transcript
Happy Friday! Here are some headlines from this week…sort of.
Our top story this week comes from across the pond, where in England Gordon Brown is out as prime minister, and will be replaced by conservative David Cameron. Many agree that Cameron is an impressive public figure with 3 Oscars, a billion dollar gross and now his own country. Sources close to Cameron say that his first task as Prime Minister will be to recreate Parliament entirely in CGI for easy manipulation.
Here at home, in Congressional hearings this week, executives from BP, Halliburton and Transocean each blamed the other for the oil spill in the Gulf and the failure to stop it. Breaking the News was able to get this excerpt from the hearings.
(VO)
BP: It’s not our fault. Halliburton did it!
Halliburton: Did not.
BP: Did so.
Halliburton: Did not.
BP: Did so infinity.
Halliburton: If you don’t shut up, I’m going to make you go quail hunting with Cheney!
BP: …
Halliburton: Neener neener neener!
BP: If you don’t shut up, I won’t take you golfing with President Obama!
Transocean: I still think we should try to burn it off.
BP: Pyro.
Halliburton: That’s your answer for everything—“Burn it down”.
Transocean: I hate you.
In a related story, Time Magazine reported this week that Neanderthals and humans interbred and that Neanderthal DNA is still present in humans today. One scientist indicated that the Neanderthal DNA does not seem to have played a great role in human evolution, but said “this is hard to believe since we’ve seen every Brendan Fraser movie. Though on a positive note, your mom is not as hairy as her ancestors.”
In Illinois a woman was jailed for two days for wearing a shirt emblazoned with the words: “I have the (bajingo), so I make the rules.” The judge in the case said “Just because you have a (vajayjay) doesn’t mean I want to know about your (panty hamster). I also have a (pinkberry) but you don’t see me shouting it to the world.” Coincidentally, the judge’s name was Delores.
On Monday, a 3rd grader in Texas got detention for eating a Jolly Rancher, sparking an online controversy. We go now to perennial candidate for office Faustus J. Cornbird for his take on this. Faustus…
(clip)Jolly Rancher? Well, no wonder. This wasn’t about candy; it was about the gay lifestyle. Our children shouldn’t be exposed to jolly ranchers. Where do you even find such candy? Fruit flavored candy’s blatantly gay agenda is ruining America’s moral fiber. Skittles tells us to “taste the rainbow,” well I’m telling Skittles to taste the red, white and blue. Wake up, America!
Sweet.
The American economy added an impressive 290,000 jobs in April, but the unemployment rate still rose to a decades high 9.9%. When asked to comment, a White House spokesperson said, “It turns out all 290,000 jobs were people counting the number of unemployed workers.”
Last week the state of California closed 439 medical marijuana dispensaries because of lapsed license registrations. We asked one dispensary owner, known only as The Dude, to comment:
(clip)Closed? Aw man. Bummer. I really flaked out on that license thing. Hey man, don’t…no…don’t touch the hydroponics, man. Just…dude, leave it alone. Just leave it alone. Maaaan.
Thank you, The Dude.
In health news, officials in Santa Clara, California recently banned Happy Meal toys at McDonald’s restaurants over fears they boost child obesity. We sent our cameras out to capture reaction from families. (clip)
• What?! No toys?! Well that’s just great. How the hell am I going to get those kids to eat that salty, sugary, fat-laden swill without a toy as enticement?
• What are they calling it now, the Sad Meal?
• I think it’s great. Can’t tell you how many times I yakked up a Transformer or Hello Kitty.
• My kid and I will just go home and get a big bowl of Sugar Frosted Puffs and we’ll get the toy from there.
• Sucks! I was looking forward to that Joe Camel action figure today.
• Yeah, since these goons feel free to help with diet issues, can they also ban religions that bug me?
• You know who didn’t get a toy in their meal? Orphans in Dickens tales, that’s who.
• I don’t know what they’re worried about. I ate a Shrek action figure the other day and it lowered my LDL by 17%.
In entertainment news, Tyra banks announced plans to publish her first novel, titled ‘Modelland,’ as part of a three book deal. Her publisher, Random House, says they expect this to be their best selling picture book series. Sources quote Oprah as saying, “Oh no she di’int!”
Barbara Walters announced that she will be taking a leave of absence from her duties as a host on ABC’s The View in order to have heart surgery. Said Walters in a statement to the press, “Iw’m gwoiwing, two hawve a heawrt vawlve weplaced.” During her absence, Barbara’s seat at the table will be filled by Elmer Fudd…until Wabbit Season.
And finally, Playboy announced this week that readers will get a 3-D centerfold in this month’s issue of the magazine. Playboy CEO Christie Hefner reassured men saying, “The centerfold may be 3-D, but the playmate is still shallow.” She went on to explain that the magazine went with 3-D because Double D just doesn’t cut anymore.
That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…I’m Bawbwa Wawa.
Breaking the News - May 7, 2010
Posted on May 7th, 2010
The Axis of Clever has joined the Idiot Show in breaking the news again for you this week. There’s all kinds of useful information in this week’s “news”cast. You’ll laugh…you’ll cry…you’ll throw up in your mouth a little bit. I know I did.
Breaking the News on May 7, 2010 is also available on Vimeo.
The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators: @joeschmitt, @arjunbasu, @bedheadblonde, @blobert, Bonehead Radio, @covertheearth, @CowboyW, @davio1962, @donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @goldengateblonde, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch,@iamnotdiddy, @iowaradioguy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslich Sam Battin, @slag_mag, @succitaM, @TheInfamousGdub @unfnshdrambler, @yayaa. (And this guy too: @ian_wright)
