Breaking the News - April 30, 2010
Posted on April 30th, 2010
The Axis of Clever has broken the news again this week. And for some reason one is left craving sandwiches, boobs and chocolate. Not necessarily in that order. Go get a sandwich, but don’t forget your papers. Enjoy the show!
The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators: @joeschmitt, @arjunbasu, @bedheadblonde, @blobert, Bonehead Radio, @covertheearth, @CowboyW, @davio1962, @donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @goldengateblonde, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch,@iamnotdiddy, @iowaradioguy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslich Sam Battin, @slag_mag, @succitaM, @unfnshdrambler, @yayaa. (And these peeps too: @ktdubs, @fensterbaby, Darius, NaShonna, Venita, Leslie)
For the actual stories
Happy Friday. Here are some headlines from this week…sort of.
In our top story, Arizona passed a new law this week requiring police to check the citizenship of anyone who they have “reasonable cause” to believe might be an illegal alien. According to the new law, the following are valid proof of citizenship in Arizona: a birth certificate, an American Airlines Admiral Club card, the personal vouching of Lou Dobbs, a Boob Inspector badge and recitation of any 3 lines from Walker Texas Ranger, to name a few. Police say that if none of the these options are presented, 10 Chuck E. Cheese tickets can be traded in, along with a stuffed animal, preferably a unicorn.
In response, President Obama called Arizona’s anti-immigration law “misguided.” In a related story, Obama also said that China has “a couple” of people and Bill Gates might have “a few dollars” set aside for a rainy day.
In news from the Hill President Obama faced criticism this week for his meeting with Rev. Billy Graham in North Carolina on Sunday, prompting press secretary Robert Gibbs to explain that the president thought he was meeting Ted Danson. Rev. Graham also issued an apology for recent controversial statements, saying he also thought he was Ted Danson.
Also in the Nation’s Capital, the National Commission on Fiscal Responsibility met for the first time this week. They celebrated the opening of the discussion on balancing America’s budget by ordering a ten course meal, booking themselves into four star hotels and boning exclusive hookers.
In international news, Jaroslaw Kaczynski, the twin brother of Poland’s late president Lech Kaczynski, has decided to run for president, prompting many in the country to declare, “It’s like Deja Vu-ski.”
Paul Schafer, a former Nazi who fled Germany in 1961 and founded a cult-like commune in Chile, died Saturday in a prison hospital. He was 88.
The Greek government announced this week that they would need $60 billion to keep the country afloat. Other EU countries balked at the request, so we went to the street to ask people how Greece should raise $60 billion.
Sell the Brooklyn Bridge.
Appeal for adoption by either Madonna or Angelina Jolie.
Print more drachmas.
Start an investment firm, Goldman Souvlachs, and then bet against the country.
Did you hear about that guy who started out with a paper clip and traded it and traded it on craigslist until he ended up with a house? That.
Two words: Antiques Roadshow.
Help the Greeks? After being rejected during rush? Screw them!
In other international news, The Iranian military test-fired their new sea to sea missiles over the weekend. According to Brig. Gen. Hossein Salami, the new missiles were fired from submarines and are at least a foot long. Salami praised his soldiers, saying, “They have been grinding it out for so long, but at last our poor boys have become heroes. Operation Hoagie was a complete success.” He then thanked Lt. Col. Muffaletta Torpedo, olives, grilled onions, sweet peppers and light mayo on the side.
This just in, Breaking the News apologizes for displaying the wrong photo during the previous story. Here is the correct photo of Paul Schafer.
Authorities in China have begun deodorizing a giant landfill site by blasting it with a deodorant canon. The canon is said to be “Strong enough for a man, but made for a landfill.”
According to research published in the New England Journal of Medicine, staring at women’s breasts 10 minutes a day is beneficial to men’s health. Researchers divided the men into two groups - those encouraged to look at women’s breasts for 10 minutes a day, and those discouraged from doing so. Those who stared at breasts were found to have lower blood pressure, slower resting pulse rates, and decreased risk of coronary artery disease. The group that didn’t stare at breasts were found to be liars.
It was reported this week that parents are using iPhones to babysit their kids, just as their parents let the TV babysit them a generation ago. Are these parents negligent? Can an iPhone really occupy a small child? We sent our cameras out to see.
Girl: Mommy, mommy, I’m hungry.
Mom: Oh, I don’t have any food. But, here, here’s the iPhone.
Boy: I want one. I want one.
Mom: Oh, I don’t have another iPhone. Here, do you want a book, Regan? Do you want to color?
Mom: Oh. Well, hey, I food some food. Do you want this food?
Girl: No, I want zombie game.
Mom: Are you sure? You told me you were hungry? Do you want the food?
Girl: No. I want zombie game.
Hmmm…you be the judge.
This just in, Breaking the News apologizes again for displaying the wrong photo before. Here is Paul Schafer.
A study in California found that eating a bar of chocolate a week makes a person more depressed. Though the woman leading the study was quick to discourage people from jumping to conclusions, in this statement released to the press: More research will be needed to determine the relationship between our mood and chocolate. Lots more.
Oh my. Hugo Chavez, president of Venezuela, joined Twitter this week. His first tweet was “Have you seen that ‘trololo’ guy? OMG HILARS”
In entertainment news, a spokesman from Comedy Central released the following announcement late this week.
We here at Comedy Central are proud to announce that next Wednesday’s BLEEEEEEEEEP will be shown at 7:30 in BLEEEEEEEEEP, with a special appearance by BLEEEEEEEEEP being interviewed by BLEEEEEEEEEP about the BLEEEEEEEEEP surrounding the BLEEEEEEEEEP.
And finally, on a sad note, Elizabeth Post, who wrote more than a dozen books on etiquette and was spokeswoman for the Emily Post Institute, passed away this week. In lieu of flowers, the family has asked that people simply stop farting in public.
That’s it, I’m Kathy, if the news is broken…clearly I’m Paul Schafer.
Breaking the News - April 23, 2010
Posted on April 23rd, 2010
Guilty Parties have broken the news again this week.
An explosive cast full of hot lava and cool cameos. And be sure to keep your eyes open for the pervasive crescent moon.
The news would remain intact without the help of these accessories: @joeschmitt, @arjunbasu, @bedheadblonde, @blobert, Bonehead Radio, @covertheearth, @donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @goldengateblonde, Gregory Battin, @iamnotdiddy, @iowaradioguy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslich Sam Battin, @slag_mag, @succitaM, @unfnshdrambler, @yayaa. (And these peeps too: @rejecter, @ruthakers, @lisarahmat)
For the actual stories
Happy Friday. Here are some headlines from this week…sort of.
In our top story this week, a volcano in Iceland erupted, spewing ash all over Europe, closing down air travel on the continent and stranding travelers around the world.
Among those stranded was Norwegian Prime Minister Jens Stoltenberg. While stranded in New York, Stoltenberg was reportedly using his iPad to run his country’s business. Officials, however, said that Stoltenberg was mistaken and he was actually just really engrossed in My Sims: Vikings. Later it was confirmed that he had been running Norway from a VIP table at Flashdancers.
Here to help us further understand the situation in Iceland is international correspondent, Ilse.
ILSE: Have you ever noticed how newscasters are all suave and “Bosnia-Herzogovina” and “Mogadishu,” showing off how they can pronounce faraway hotspots with ease? But this week they’re all just “a volcano in Iceland.” Jesus Christ, it’s not hard - “Eyjafjallajokull.” Say it with me– Eyjafjallajokull! Eyjafjallajokull! You’re all brave showoffs with other place names, but when it comes to a Nordic country, suddenly you’re all pussies who can’t even sound it out.
Thank you, Ilse, for that enlightening commentary.
In news from the White House, President Obama took time out to criticize Canadian Prime Minister Harper at a recent public gathering. Sources at the event confirmed that rather than make a scene, the Prime Minister stood there and took it. Seconds later, the Prime Minister’s sister came up and called Obama a bully. After which, the Prime Minister apologized.
In other news from the Hill, the White House reacted angrily to reports that the leading nominee for a spot on the Supreme Court, Solicitor General Elena Kagan, is gay. A White House spokesman said in a press conference, “She’s not gay. But it would help if she dressed better.”
And now, an “important” message from perpetual candidate and concerned citizen, Faustus J. Cornbird.
My fellow Americans. Last week good thinking Americans reported that Obama’s Nuclear Security Summit Logo resembled the crescent moon you see on the flags Muslim countries.
The reality is that Muslim imagery has been infiltrating this country and its institutions for the past 20 years. I warned that “if we don’t check the use of these Muslim symbols, one day we’ll wake up in an America with a Muslim as president and it will be too late.”
Al Gore’s campaign logo. Look– a crescent moon!
Midas — Crescent moon!
Even ESPN. — Crescent moon!
And look at this: Triple A — Crescent moon!
Even a conservative sanctuary like South Carolina, that went for McCain in 2008, has been subverted. Just look at their flag! Crescent moon!
So I call on each and every one of you to help me end this in the only way possible—we shall build a giant spotlight so that the actual moon can never be crescent again. We want a round moon, people. Round!
I’m Faustus J. Cornbird, and I approve this message. God bless America.
Thank you for that, Mr. Cornbird.
On Friday, police in Pennsylvania reported that a third-grader handed out more than 60 small bags of heroin to his classmates before his teacher discovered them. Administrators were shocked and concerned that a child could get a hold of that much H. But his parents responded in a statement saying, “Well, he had to bring enough for everyone.”
The Library of Congress announced that they will acquire the entire Twitter archive dating back to March 2006, except for the time when Jeff Goldblum was declared dead, of course. Librarians around the world greeted the announcement and said under their collective breath, “we can get rid of Shakespeare and Dostoevsky now that we have these classics.”
Reactions to the news on Twitter have been mostly positive, including this statement from @ruthakers: “I’d like to thank the Library of Congress for proving my graduating class wrong when they said that I was least likely to ever be found in one.”
We just received this request from the Red Cross: If you’d like to help in the
In health news, the FDA announced plans to limit amount of salt allowed in processed foods for health reasons. Breaking the News was able to capture this statement from an FDA spokesperson during a recent press conference.
SPOKESPERSON: You know what? You people are so stupid you wouldn’t know real food if it bit you in the face. That’s right, you can’t even be trusted with salt, so we’re taking it away from you. You’re welcome.
In other health news, it’s been revealed that health insurers have been investing in fast food chains. A report released recently found they had also invested in gun manufacturers, chain saw makers, had plans to make Evil Knievel cool again and to revive dueling among jealous boyfriends.
And finally, in celebrity news, Larry King filed for divorce this week amid rumors of an affair with his wife’s sister. His sister-in-law denied the affair, saying, “I prefer my men tall, dark, handsome and born in my own geologic era.” When asked about the divorce, King said his major concern is the welfare of his children, who affectionately call him ‘Grandpa.’
That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…it was that volcano in Iceland.
Breaking the News - April 16, 2010
Posted on April 16th, 2010
It’s the 15th week of the year and there’s no reason the news shouldn’t be broken.
This week we have a plethora of poop, Pope and Oprah for you. And more fun on the streets bugging people.
Don’t forget to send the link to your mom.
Thanks again to my collaborators…the news is still not safe and no story is sacred.
This week brought to you by: @joeschmitt, @arjunbasu, @bedheadblonde, Bonehead Radio, @covertheearth, @donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @goldengateblonde, Gregory Battin, @iamnotdiddy, @iowaradioguy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslich Sam Battin, @slag_mag, @succitaM @unfnshdrambler, . (And these peeps too: Thomas Leahy, Anthony Hill, Emilyia Uzunova, Colleen)
For the actual stories:
In our top story this week, Camilla Parker Bowles, wife of Prince Charles, broke her leg during a hike. Sources close to the Royal Family say they plan to take her out back and shoot her at sundown. In a statement to the press, Prince Charles said, “That’s one old nag I won’t have to ride again.”
In the world of business, AT&T canceled its ad campaign and lawsuit with Verizon, admitting that its coverage does, in fact, suck. Shortly after, Luke Wilson’s publicist announced that he would “return to whatever it is he does.”
In a Breaking the News exclusive, we were able to gather this audio from AT&T’s conference call with the press:“AT&T’s premier network [static] is dedicated to strengthening our infrastructure. We decided to rethink how it possibly could be a good idea to hire Luke Wilson to restore…[static]“
Hmmm…I guess the call was dropped.
In other business news, USAir announced that they are negotiating a merger with United Airlines. Wall Street trading remained unchanged as nobody realized USAir still existed.
It’s tax time in America, and you know what that means…long lines at the post office for late filers. We sent out our camera to ask people why they had waited until the last minute to file their taxes, in this week’s Idiot on the Loose segment: Man 1:Taxes? Hell no. I paid my taxes a month ago online. I’m here for new Impressionist stamps. Woman 1: I heard that Bieber would be here and I’m a huge fan of him. Oh my God, I love you Justin! Woooo! Man 2: This is a tea party rally. Isn’t it? Woman 2: Um, no. I paid my taxes in January. I’m just trying to get a head start on Christmas. Man 3: No, I’m petitioning NASA to reinstate Pluto as a planet. Only to find out that nobody was actually at the post office to file their taxes at the last minute. Of course.
In news from the Hill, Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens announced his plans to retire this year. The 89 year-old says he is looking forward to having more free time to spend on his hobbies, which include telegraphing with friends, listening to phonographs, and dancing the Charleston.
In a related story, as predicted by many political experts, to fill this influential judge’s seat, the President plans to nominate Ellen Degeneres. Or Luke Wilson’s publicist.
In other news from D.C., former House Speaker Newt Gingrich labeled President Barack Obama “the most radical president in American history.” When questioned by the press, Gingrich later apologized and said he meant to say “tubular.”
Also from the Capital, during this week’s Nuclear Summit, President Obama vowed not to respond to biological or chemical weapon attacks by terrorists with nuclear weapons. Later that day, he gave out his password and credit card number in an MSN chat window, wired money to a Nigerian prince and became a Facebook fan of “get 3 trillion bucks in Mafia Wars FREE.”
Somali pirates abandoned a Turkish vessel on Wednesday, three days after first seizing it. When asked why they left so suddenly they said, “arrrgh, it was not delightful.”
And, in Rome, the Vatican announced last weekend that they have forgiven John Lennon for saying The Beatles were more popular than Jesus, but they were quick to add they still haven’t forgiven him for Yoko.
In entertainment news, Kitty Kelley’s unauthorized biography of Oprah hit the stands this week. The big story is that she doesn’t answer whether Oprah and Gail are gay, but she does say that, “Oprah is asexual.” Other revelations in the new book include: Oprah never read Tuesdays with Morrie; Oprah’s father is Darth Vader; Oprah shot JR; Tom Cruise is gay; That thing about Richard Gere is totally true, according to a friend of a friend and Luke Wilson has a publicist.
Lord of the Rings fans are outraged by New Line’s release of the trilogy on Blu Ray, because it contains the theatrical versions of the films and not the “precious” extended cuts. Let’s go to Twitter and see what the fans are saying: @TomBombadiddy tweeted, “I tore my mithril garment. Peter Jackson is dead to me.” And @GollumsCodPiece tweeted, “I could just climb to the top of Isengard and scream bloody Saruman, not that anyone would see that because it wasn’t in the theatrical release.”
In sports news, Tea Partiers were unimpressed with President Obama’s return to competitive golf at the Master’s this week. A Tea Party spokesperson said, “Of course he sucked. Muslims aren’t good at golf.”
And finally, on the lighter side, a booster club in St. Charles, Illinois, has begun selling Alpaca poop to raise funds for its local school. Inside sources say several competing organizations are concerned about a booster monoPOOly, including the donkey dung folks, the iguana guano group, carp crap and the rhesus feces lobby. When asked to comment, one concerned local said, “The whole thing stinks.”
That’s it…I’m Kathy. If the news is broken, I need Luke Wilson’s publicist.
Breaking the News - Week 14, Year 2010
Posted on April 9th, 2010
More new and different treats for you in this week’s headlines. Including a most adorable Aussie accent. You’ll just have to watch and see for yourself.
And breast jokes…there are no fewer than 3 breast jokes this week. Wokka wokka.
Thanks again to my collaborators…the news is still not safe and no story is sacred.
This week brought to you by: @joeschmitt, @arjunbasu, @rexhuppke, Jason Betke, Sam Battin, John Battin, @ripslich, Gregory Battin, Larry Weinstein, @penbleth, @drivewaydrinker, @bedheadblonde, @JeeNeeBee, @donchiefnerd, @iamnotdiddy, @slag_mag, @unfnshdrambler, Bonehead Radio. (And these peeps too: @indefensible, @biblicone, @rondicasmith, Amy Gray)
For the actual stories:
Happy Friday! Here are some headlines from this week…sort of.
In our top story this week, Apple finally released its much anticipated new gadget, the iPad, on Saturday. As predicted by Steve Jobs, within a few hours of its release, the iPad had solved global warming, brought peace to the Middle East and ordered ice cream for all if America’s children. However, dozens of tech enthusiasts expressed disappointment that it couldn’t make a decent panini.
In news from the Hill, Senator John McCain shocked the nation this week by declaring that he never considered himself to be a maverick. Mark Cuban, owner of the Dallas Mavericks, backed up the Senator’s statement in an interview saying, “McCain, a Maverick? Ha! His tryout was pathetic. We never even considered him for the team. I mean he can’t even raise his hands over his head?!”
On Tuesday, Spirit Airlines announced that it will now charge up to $45 for each carry-on, in addition to charging for checked bags. In response, United announced a $50 fee for each bag you don’t bring at all, and Delta will charge passengers $75 every time they don’t fly anywhere.
In a related story, shortly after Spirit Airlines announced the new luggage fee, Apple released a statement reminding its customers that the iPad can expand to fit up to a day’s worth of clothing and it also acts as a flotation device in case of a water landing.
NASA lost touch with its Mars rover, Spirit, this week, and our own Amy Gray had a chance to sit down with an inside source.
AMY: The Mars Rover, Spirit, failed to make a scheduled communication this week, puzzling NASA scientists. To learn more we were able to arrange an interview with its sibling rover, Opportunity.
AMY: Hello, Opportunity. Thanks for talking with us today.
ROVER: Sure, glad to be here.
AMY: Your brother Spirit missed a scheduled call this week. Can you tell us more about that?
ROVER: Spirit?! Is this about Spirit?!?
AMY: Is there a problem?
ROVER: He just goes off and does what he wants. He doesn’t care about anything. Curfew? No. Send regular reports? Negative. And he never gets punished. He’s the freakin’ favorite.
AMY: So this has happened before?
ROVER: Oh, sure, it’s been happening for years. In 2004 he broke his phone partying on the ride over and he kept calling KFC and asking how large their breasts were. They had to get him all new software.
Not me. I’m the responsible one.
AMY: What else has he broken?
ROVER: The guy is out of control. He goes on these joyrides for days on end. When it’s over, his batteries are drained and no one hears from him until the sun comes back up. You know in January he got stuck in the sand. In the sand!
AMY: Do you think we’ll ever hear from Spirit again?
ROVER: Sure, he’ll call in after everyone’s worried themselves to death, and then they’ll fawn all over him. Slaughter the fatted calf, and say, “Spirit is back! Spirit is back!” You know, there’s two of us, right? Whatever.
AMY: Any final thoughts?
ROVER: It’s just not fair. I’m a rover too. Just because I called and said I found water once, no one listens to me any more. Plus he’s on the sauce.
AMY: Well, thank you and good luck on your mission.
AMY: So there you have it. Mars Rover hasn’t called in, but that’s happened before. Probably sleeping one off. Back to you, Kathy.
Thank you Amy.
A new poll released this week found that the Tea Party is more reflective of regular Americans than media portrayals might suggest. Results showed that 40% of Tea Partiers are independents and more than 10% are Democrats. Additional findings revealed that:
- 105% shop at Wal-Mart
- 93% believe all cheese should be fried
- 89% think “hypocrisy” is a type of urban music
- 1% are Brits just hoping for a “respectable cuppa.”
In big…business…news, sources confirm that Hooters recently changed its name to Hoors. According to Hooters CEO Coby Brooks, “Given the financial climate, it just makes sense. This will take the brand to the next level. And now, for $5, we love you long time.”
In health news, KFC is set to launch its new “Double Down” sandwich, consisting of bacon, cheese and a special sauce layered between two chicken fillets. According to a statement released by the chicken giant, customers will have a choice between three flavors: Original Recipe, Extra Crispy or Self-Loathing.
In sports news this week, Tiger Woods claimed in a press conference that he wasn’t having any fun while he was “living a lie.” A source at the scene confirmed that upon hearing this 20 women stood up and exclaimed, “I knew he was faking.”
For more on this story, we go to Ross in Australia for his viewpoint. Ross…
ROSS: Good morning, good afternoon and good evening. Tiger Woods’ so called apology this week was one of the most disingenuous pieces of claptrap that it’s ever been my displeasure to hear. Let me tell you something. If I’m ever caught out having sexual affairs with a large number of women, many of whom are of what we call “negotiable affections,” I’m gonna tell a lot of lies to try and save my skin. Alotta lies. But there is one lie that I will never tell. Here is my solemn pledge: If this ever happens, I will tell you anything that’s required. But the one thing that I will never do…the lie that I will never tell, the line that I will not cross…is that I will not say it was not a helluva lot of fun. Back to you in the studio, Kathy.
Thank you, Ross.
And finally, in entertainment news, on Wednesday, the stage collapsed at an Elton John concert on the Mayan ruins in Chichen Itza, Mexico. According to a police report, three men were injured but Sir Elton came out unscathed, saying in a statement, “Someone saved my life tonight. And this time it was Quetzalcoatl.” The search continues for the tiny dancer and disaster experts say that everyone would’ve been safe had they been using an iPad
That’s it, I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…I think I need an iPad.
Breaking the News - Week 13, Year 2010
Posted on April 2nd, 2010
Strange things are afoot at the BtN studios.
I have writers now!
This and future installments of the news broken especially for you will be written by an as of yet unnamed team of writers including these fine contributors: @joeschmitt, @arjunbasu, @rexhuppke, Jason Betke, Sam Battin, John Battin, @ripslich, Gregory Battin, Larry Weinstein, @JeeNeeBee, @donchiefnerd, @iamnotdiddy, @slag_mag, @unfnshdrambler, Bonehead Radio. (And these peeps too: @tewha, @MeetingBoy, @theTCAT)
They’re not idiots like I am, so click around and check ‘em out.
But not before you catch up with this week’s top stories.
For the actual stories:
Happy Friday. Here are some headlines from this week…sort of.
In our top story this week, controversy erupted when former president George W. Bush appeared to wipe his hand off on former President Bill Clinton after shaking hands with a Haitian man. A Bush spokesman said of the incident “It wasn’t wipe! It was a pat.”
In other political news, amid repeated calls to abolish its controversial “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, the Pentagon finally announced this week that changes will be made. The new policy, “Stop Being So Damn Fabulous, Soldier!’ is set to take effect sometime next year.
According to a recent Harris poll, 93% of Republicans surveyed disapprove of the job President Obama is doing. Other results showed that 21% believe his diet consists mainly of ox blood and cocker spaniels, 18% think he’s responsible for the South’s unbearable humidity, and 76% thought he was the guy who they bought their paper from.
General Motors unveiled its car of the future on Wednesday. With a top speed of 24mph and the ability to drive 25 miles without recharging, the two-seater EN-V is sure to revive the automaker’s sagging fortune. A spokesperson for women across the nation say they are looking forward to the release and claim, “We don’t care how small it is if it can drive at maximum speed for an hour without needing to recharge.”
The planet celebrated Earth Hour this past Saturday, and so we set out to learn what Americans thought about it in this week’s Idiot on the Loose! segment. [MOS 1] So with Earth Hour, do we lose one or gain one? My VCR is still flashing from the last time change. [MOS 2] That’s just more Environmentalist Clock Blocking. [MOS 3] I think I celebrated it by accident because I was taking a nap. [MOS 4] I’ve been clock blocked enough.
In world news, reports have surfaced that the Chinese government has been hacking into Yahoo email accounts. Sources say the highly classified intelligence gathered by the communist regime includes: How To Meet Singles In Your Area; Getting More From Your Member; and Winning UK lottery numbers.
In Switzerland there are claims that the Large Hadron Collider did something amazing this week. Due to a lack of experts in the field, no one quite gets what happened, but apparently the Swiss are now capable of making high precision watches out of extra creamy milk chocolate. When told about the scientific milestone, former President Bush squinted his eyes, pursed his lips and wiped his hands on former President Clinton.
In entertainment news, Dancing With the Stars’ Buzz Aldrin said he is dying to have a ‘moonwalk dance-off’. At press time, the current champion, Michael Jackson, could not be reached for comment.
In news from the celebrity closet, Latin pop star Ricky Martin announced that he is gay on his website this week. Hollywood insiders say that the world hasn’t been this shocked since it found out that Jesse James was sleeping with strippers. And upon hearing the news, George Bush wiped his hands on Bill Clinton’s shirt.
Paul Zimmerman of Chicago set a World Record by scoring more than one million points in the Atari game Berzerk. Sources close to Zimmerman say that while the record is impressive, it’s common knowledge that he has played with his joystick for much longer than this on many occasions.
In sports news, Major League Baseball announced that President Obama will throw out the first pitch on Opening Day. Experts say this news has upset many on Capitol Hill. Senate Democrats can’t compromise on the provisions of the pitch. Republicans have said they will call a balk. Even if no one is on base. The Tea Party plans to protest integration of Negro leagues into Major League BaseballAnd Bush will wipe his hands on Clinton.
In a related story, rumors have surfaced that the Nationals are considering using Obama as their 5th starter. In a recent interview, general manager Mike Rizzo said, “We’ll see how he throws. He’s promising us a change-up we can believe in!”
That’s it, I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…I wiped my hands on Bill Clinton’s shirt.