Breaking the News - Week 12, Year 2010
Posted on March 26th, 2010
Lots of history was made in Washington this week. I swear it wasn’t me…that’s all I know.
Consider this my audio threat from a cave in the Middle East. Scared yet?
Breaking the News - Week 12, Year 2010 is also available on Vimeo.
For the actual stories:
Transcript:
Happy Friday! Here are some headlines from this week…meh…sorta.
Big news from our nation’s capital this week. After months of tense negotiation, the annual White House Garden Tour has been set for the weekend of April 17th & 18th. Tickets are free on a first-come, first-served basis, but attendees are encouraged to make a trillion dollar free will donation to cover the cost of running a capitalist democracy.
In other political news, on the same day that the U.S. and Russia reached a historic disarmament agreement, Vice President Joe Biden dropped the bomb. Fallout experts say we don’t have to climb into our bunkers quite yet because, while the aftershock of the “f” word is felt around the world, the effects appear to be temporary and, coincidentally, completely lost on the Russians.
(pause) Hmmm…It seems like there was something else huge that happened in D.C. this week, but I can’t for the life of me think of what it was. It’s like it’s so close but it’s being blocked by an immovable force. Oh well, it probably wasn’t that big a deal.
On Wednesday, Google announced that it would pull out of China. Tech experts agree that this is the best method, considering China’s historic population issues.
Osama Bin Laden released an audio threat aimed at the United States on Thursday. The fearless leader, who still remains hidden, made it clear in his declaration that if the U.S. executed the self-proclaimed 9/11 mastermind, he would buy up all of the television networks and put Jay Leno on at 9 o’clock every night on every channel. With Kathie Lee Gifford as cohost. Yikes.
Reports released on Wednesday detail the results of a gene study done on a recently unearthed bone fragment. Inside sources confirm that scientists have likely discovered a completely different species of human. In a related story, Lady Gaga passed out during a performance in New Zealand.
And finally, in sports news, a big upset in the NCAA tournament this week as UNI beat the University of Kansas. That’s right, you heard me, you ‘n’ I did it. I don’t remember being at the game, or being able to play basketball whatsoever, but reports indicate that, together, you ‘n’ I were victorious over #1 seeded University of Kansas. I’m as shocked as you are.
That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…it’s a big f*ckin’ deal.
Breaking the News - Week 11, Year 2010
Posted on March 19th, 2010
Health care and Tiger Woods. Nothing new in the world of news. So from now on I shall refer to it as Breaking the Same Old Crap We Always Talk About.
Breaking the News - Week 11, Year 2010 is also available on Vimeo.
I’d make up some lame excuse for the tardiness of the headlines, but that would take effort. I’m an idiot. It takes a long time to make these. And half the time I don’t know what day it is anyway.
For the actual stories
Transcript
Happy Friday! Here are some headlines from this week…sort of.
On Thursday, House Democrats released their revisions to the health care overhaul bill. After detailed examination, it appears as though the theory holds true. If you allow politicians to hack away at a bill long enough, they will eventually type Hamlet.
In a related story, the President postponed a scheduled trip to Indonesia this week. Initial reports were that he stayed at home to help win support for the changes in the health care bill, but sources now confirm that he’s been working around the clock to negotiate a peace treaty between Sandra Bullock and Jesse James.
Also from the Capitol, the FCC announced on Tuesday that quality access to the internet comes at too high a price. Inside sources will neither confirm nor deny that the FCC has now spliced in to the White House’s DSL line and is siphoning off bandwidth free of charge.
In a Federal Court on Thursday, the woman dubbed “Jihad Jane” plead not guilty to charges of terrorism. In a pre-trial hearing she told the judge she hadn’t given herself that name, but rather an angry mob of riotous witch hunters had. She also claimed quote, “THEY dressed me up like this. And this isn’t my nose,” end quote. Her stake burning is set for a week from Monday.
A new report confirms that gas prices made their highest jump since 2008. Experts say the prices hope to have a spot on the 2012 Olympic track and field team and have maintained their amateur status in the event that their record high jump is noticed by recruiters.
In sports news, Tiger Woods announced that he will be returning to professional golf when he enters the Masters Tournament in Augusta, Georgia in April. A source close to the fallen star says Woods would like to have his estranged wife join him at the tournament so he has an opportunity to improve his swing.
And finally, in other sports news, it’s March and that means everyone is filling out their brackets. Except for me. I’ll never fill out my brackets.
That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…I dropped it.
Breaking the News - Week 10, Year 2010
Posted on March 12th, 2010
Yippee! It’s Friday! That means the weekend is here and I still have no idea what’s going on in the world.
Once again I prove that just because you can find the news on the internet, doesn’t mean you will understand it.
Breaking the News - Week 10, Year 2010 is also available on Vimeo.
Be cool to each other and I’ll keep busting these bites.
Why?
Because I’m an idiot.
For the actual stories
He didn’t touch his staff or his member
Transcript
In financial news on Monday, AIG announced an updated plan for repaying the bailout money it received from the U.S. government. In a press conference, a company spokesperson said, quote, “We finally got word from our Uncle the Nigerian Prince and we should be able to pay back the money after a quick bank transaction,” end quote.
On Tuesday, Representative Eric Massa resigned amid allegations of improper behavior with staff members. During a talk show interview, an embittered Massa said to his former colleagues quote, “Joke’s on you D.C. machine, I just got to say ‘staff’ and ‘member’ like 27 times to the press. Heh heh. Furthermore, I see through your childish vote-canceling games, so nanner nanner boo boo…go stick your head in doo doo. Staff. Member. Heh,” end quote.
In other political news, experts and party leaders say that President Obama’s liberal bass is now quote, “disengaged.” In response, the President did admit to sources that he keeps getting profiled while cruising town in his pimped out Taurus and he figures that his sick jams are likely the cause. He also stated that he would probably have his hydraulics disengaged just as soon as he can get some scratch for his bling.
A report released this week indicated that unemployment rose in January. Many experts are surprised at this assessment believing that unemployment just pretty much stays in bed all day moping.
In entertainment news, fans, who didn’t already think he had died of an overdose years ago, mourned the unexpected passing of Corey Haim…no…Corey Feldman. No. Wait. Corey Haim. Corey Feldman? Corey Haim? Corey Fel…no. Corey Haim. I don’t know. One of the Coreys died on Wednesday. Look it up.
And finally, in kickass celebrity news, Chuck Norris celebrated a birthday this week. Sources close to the legendary martial arts master say that Mr. Norris didn’t just turn 70, he roundhouse kicked 70 in the head until it didn’t know what hit it.
That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it in the head.
Episode 17 “Mobile Tour de Farce”
Posted on March 10th, 2010
My phone is an amazing mobile communication device. It can do many very useful things. Sometimes I actually want to marry the little guy because I’m not sure how I ever lived before I met it.
Most of the time I am lost without it. Every once in a while, I am lost with it. Last week was one of those whiles.
The story begins with a video job in one of our lovely downtown high rises, which should have been simple enough, even for an idiot. The problem is that with the many capabilities of my beloved mobile device, I have a tendency to be an unfocused idiot.
Actually…no…I take that back. It’s not an absence of focus, it’s a brave attempt to focus on way too many things at once. Which is to say, more than just the one thing. This split focus is one of the prime causes of my preeminent idiocy in general.
Anyway, after the job was done (I may be an idiot, but above all else, I am a professional idiot and always remain capable until the job is complete), I had packed up all of my gear and decided I should check in on my various communication platforms to make sure the world had continued to turn on its axis even while I was inaccessible. This is of course something I can do as I exit the building and head for my car, since my communication device is mobile.
As a public service, I will now state that it is important to remember that while your communication device is mobile, it doesn’t necessarily make you very mobile. Especially if you’re not paying attention.
Like an idiot.
Here I was checking email on the elevator on my way down to the Skywalk level…and DING…the elevator stops and someone gets on. In a most Pavlovian way, I proceed to exit the elevator, while struggling with a cart full of equipment. Idiot hear ding…idiot get off elevator.
Idiot exit elevator 2 floors away from Skywalk level.
This even AFTER the kind gentleman entering the elevator said, “Is this the floor you want?” Of course it was the floor I wanted. But thanks, and have a lovely afternoon.
But it wasn’t the floor I wanted and now I had to wait on this wrong floor so as not to run into the kind gentleman on the Skywalk level, lest he realize what an idiot I am.
That was only the first immobilization.
Having finally made it back onto the elevator with all of my gear and then down to the correct floor, I was now returning a few text messages and headed out to the parking garage. At this point I was trying to remember if I had ridden the elevator up or down to get to the Skywalk level from my car that morning. Remembering and texting at the same time is not easy for an idiot.
So, I remembered poorly.
I got on the elevator with a kind woman who held it for me (because I still have that cart full of heavy equipment to wrestle with) and went up one level. We both exited on this level and she was kind enough to hold the door to the parking ramp open for me and my stuff.
This of course meant that I had to keep walking confidently in the direction I was headed, even though I realized I had gotten off on the wrong floor almost immediately, so that she had enough time to get to her car and drive off and not see me turn around like an idiot and go back to the elevator to make my way to the correct floor.
O.k., so now, I’m on it. I’m focused. I know what awaits me in my email inbox. I’ve volleyed some texts. I’m all set and ready to get loaded out and on my way. Back to the elevator and down 2 floors. No problem.
Except for the automatic payment kiosk.
Even with the many reminders posted throughout the garage, which I have now traversed quite extensively, I failed to notice that the only payment kiosk was on the Skywalk level. Where I have already been. Twice.
Soooooo, back in the elevator with all the gear and back up one level to the Skywalk vestibule and the payment kiosk we go…an idiot and her conspicuous cart of stuff.
I squared up with the kiosk and then we all loaded back into the elevator to return to the level where the car was parked and haul ourselves up the ramp to the vehicle at the end of the maze.
And finally, the idiot had left the building.
Thankfully, I didn’t miss a single email or text message while I was cruising the ‘vators of downtown Des Moines. Really, as it turns out, I am quite capable of doing more than one thing at a time, but only if my main goal is Idiot Show material.
Why?
Because I’m an idiot.
Breaking the News - Week 9, Year 2010
Posted on March 5th, 2010
There is a special surprise in your headlines today. Congratulations are in order! (One little bit of said surprise is ever-so-slightly NSFW…turn that volume down a smidge).
Now please pardon me while I go get a refill in my .22, although I’ll pass on ordering any extra shots.
Breaking the News - Week 9, Year 2010 is also available on Vimeo.
Broken news and award announcements…it just doesn’t get any more fun for an idiot around here.
Congratulations @meetingboy Meety Award winner @sblaufuss!
Most Pathetic Atta Boy In Lieu of Raise or Bonus
And to our other Top Nominees:
Best Fingerpointing submitted by moretimetotweet
The Luddite Award, for bosses who refuse to embrace technology, submitted by shelegal1976
Best Disappearance When Shit Needs To Get Done submitted by anonymous
Most Pathetic Boss submitted anonymous
For the actual stories:
Transcript:
Happy Friday! Here are some headlines from this week…weeeell, sort of.
Another forward step for equality this week as same sex marriage was legalized in Washington DC. Political historians say this move helps explain why so many politicians throughout history have been caught having extramarital affairs. Because, obviously, up until now it has been illegal for them to have the same sex in their marriages.
On Tuesday, the Smithsonian responded to an order by a judge in California and threw out OJ Simpson’s suit. Legal experts say that in an unprecedented move, the entire board of the museum has been nominated for a seat on the bench.
In an effort to not get caught up in a battle over gun control laws, Starbucks announced on Wednesday that customers can carry guns into their stores where the law allows. And, for a nominal fee, they will refill them.
In other food service news, industry experts say that wing prices in restaurants are on the rise due to a severe shortage of the popular appetizers. In an effort to increase production and meet the high demand, farmers across the nation have begun feeding their chickens Red Bull.
And finally, in entertainment news, Dancing with the Stars announced its new line up of dance partners this week. In a surprise move, the show has been picked up by the Discovery Channel and professional dancers will now attempt to dance with actual stars. Making the cut are Betelgeuse, Polaris, Sirius and V509 to name a few. Hollywood insiders say it should get pretty hot.
That’s it! I’m Kathy…
Wait…this just in…reports from the scene indicate that I don’t actually have anything in my ear. I do however have some late breaking broken news…Sources close to the day-old bagels in the 17th floor annex conference room say that the perpetrators have been exposed, the votes have been counted and a supreme weeny has risen to the top of the heap of corporate weenies.
And so, the first ever @meetingboy Meety Award goes to (drumroll):
Most Pathetic Atta-Boy In Lieu of Raise or Bonus submitted by @sblaufuss
(cheers)
Top nominees also getting calendars are:
Best Fingerpointing submitted by moretimetotweet
The Luddite Award, for bosses who refuse to embrace technology, submitted by shelegal1976
Best Disappearance When Shit Needs To Get Done submitted by anonymous
Most Pathetic Boss submitted anonymous
Congratulations to our losers and my deepest sympathy to our submitters!
Also, we’re out of cover sheets.
That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…I’m pretty sure I dropped it.
