Breaking the News - Week 8, Year 2010
Posted on February 26th, 2010
Both of you noticed that I skipped last week. Very astute observation.
But actually, I did put together headlines for week 7. It was just a really short video. To prove it, here’s the script:
Happy Friday! Here are some headlines from this week…sort of.
That’s it! I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…I dropped it.
Did you blink? Because you may have missed it.
But I’m back and I thought I better mention something Olympics-y this week so it seems like I’m paying attention to all that. And then I just wanted to say Akio Toyoda and “Boner Stabone,” so I had to work in those stories to make that acceptable.
The other headlines are just a bonus for you.
As always.
Breaking the News - Week 8, Year 2010 is also available on Vimeo.
There you go. I still haven’t given up on breaking that news for you.
Why?
Because I’m an idiot.
For the Real Stories:
Get a cheap car AND a U.S. investment
Sometimes their rice burns my mouth too
Transcript:
Happy Friday! Here are some headlines from the last couple of weeks…sort of.
In news from the Olympics, Dutch speed skater Sven Kramer was disqualified from winning a record setting gold medal because of an illegal lane change. Officials of the sport, flown in from New Jersey, said that his results were thrown out because he never once honked his horn or raised a single finger, which is a must when changing lanes.
On Wednesday, Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke indicated that interest rates should remain at record-low levels for a while. The Chairman’s statement was made before an empty House chamber, as interest in interest rates is also at a record low.
In other economic news, based on new reports of U.S. companies placing high risk bets on Greece defaulting on its debt and enactment of new credit laws this month, it is clear that, since Ash Wednesday, observation of the season of “borrowed” is in full swing.
Owner of Toyota, Akio Toyoda, traveled to Washington D.C. this week to apologize for his company’s recent auto safety issues. He expressed deep embarrassment over the misinterpretation of a Japanese phrase that, loosely translated, can mean “make safe, high-quality vehicles” but directly translates to “make craptons of money.” He was then thrown into a vat of marmalade, pummeled with rubber pugil sticks, forced to be licked clean by 11 giggling Japanese women dressed as crash test dummies and sent home.
In other news from the Hill, the Senate approved a new jobs bill on Wednesday. Political experts say that in an unprecedented move to stimulate consumer markets without miles of red tape, they are simply going to send Steve Jobs a bill.
Former Vice President Dick Cheney has been released from the hospital after experiencing alleged heart trouble last week. Inside sources say that any offending heart-like organs or parts resembling a soul were immediately removed from Cheney’s chest cavity to make more room for his store of buck shot, opportunistic political agendas and spare hate.
The Taliban’s top military commander, who was recently captured in Pakistan, has finally made his one allotted phone call from prison. Inside sources say the traditional call was delayed because the insurgent leanter wanted to wait for the American Idol phone lines to open up.
And finally, in entertainment news, the body of Andrew Koenig, the actor who played Richard ‘Boner’ Stabone on the show Growing Pains was believed to have been found at Vancouver Park in Vancouver, Canada on Thursday. A source close to the actor wasn’t surprised, saying quote, “Is it really any wonder that Canada has killed our Boner?” end quote.
That’s it! I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…probably I dropped it.
Breaking the News - Week 6, Year 2010
Posted on February 12th, 2010
Yes, I realize the jokes are obvious. It’s Friday, get off me. I did manage to work in the word “googol,” so you have to be at least a little bit impressed.
Or not.
Breaking the News - Week 6, Year 2010 is also available on Vimeo.
As you can see, the headlines were toast once again.
I mean, why did they say all those people in the Northeast ended up paralyzed?
I don’t get it.
Why?
Because I’m an idiot.
For the actual stories:
You can’t bill me for this job
Their relationship status is complicated
Transcript:
Happy Friday! Here are some headlines from this week…sort of.
In news from the Capitol, President Obama said on Tuesday that he is cautiously optimistic about reaching agreement with bipartisan leaders on a new jobs bill. For the first time in more than a year, unemployed Americans are grateful not to have jobs as they cannot afford any more bills.
See? I wrote notes on my hand.
Breaking news on Thursday as former President Bill Clinton was hospitalized in New York City. Inside sources say the hospitalization was most likely due to a bleeding heart.
This week, lawmakers in the U.S. once again indicated that they are making plans for new sanctions against Iran as punishment for its nuclear activities. This move was prompted by Iran updating its Facebook status to “Enriching uranium, bitches.”
A massive snowstorm paralyzed much of the Northeast early this week. Sources confirm that all the handicap parking spaces at WalMart will now finally be put to full use and sales of Hoveround chairs have skyrocketed.
In tech news, Google announced on Wednesday that it will roll out a super high-speed internet network to select customers for market testing. When asked how many customers would be getting the service, a company representative said quote, “Well…ummm…a googol” end quote.
Sad news from the entertainment industry this week as the much-loved Captain Phil from the reality show “Deadliest Catch” has passed away. Many mourners took to the streets of Alaska to scream up to the heavens quote, “DOCTOR Phil! We told you to take DOCTOR Phil!” end quote.
And finally, Ellen Degeneres made her first appearance on American Idol this week. When asked to comment, Randy Jackson said she was kind of pitchy, Simon Cowell said it was the most horrendously hideous abomination he’d ever had to force himself to sit through and Ryan Seacrest wondered why Paula seemed so coherent.
That’s it! I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…I dropped it.
Breaking the News - Week 5, Year 2010
Posted on February 6th, 2010
Here are the headlines, at last. I’d say “better late than never” but I’m not entirely sure that’s true. Definitely better late than clever.
No matter, I’m off to Nashville to see if they’ve started throwing out crates of tea yet. I love a good bargain.
Breaking the News - Week 5, Year 2010 is also available on Vimeo.
That’s all for this week. My guess is more news will get dropped next week.
Why?
Because I’m an idiot.
For the actual stories:
Transcript:
Happy almost still Friday! Here are some headlines from this week…sort of.
The much-anticipated Tea Party convention got underway in Nashville this week. Political experts say that with no clear leadership or agenda, the whole thing is steeped in conflict and leaves a lot to be desired.
Debate continues over the move to repeal the U.S. military’s notorious “Don’t ask, don’t tell policy.” While many top brass support the repeal, some mid-level military leaders feel that allowing gays to serve openly would make troops serving overseas uncomfortable, thereby lowering morale. Because, normally, living in a tent in Afghanistan and shooting guns at people is a very comfortable, high morale situation.
Auto giant Toyota continues to suffer setbacks as new reports of faulty breaks in their popular Prius model came to light this week. When asked in a press conference if they plan to recall, a Toyota executive said quote, “Well it’s not like we’re going to forget now, is it?” end quote.
Ten American missionaries who were arrested in Haiti last week while traveling with 33 children from the disaster-stricken country were charged with kidnapping on Thursday. One of the detainees reportedly told Haitian authorities quote, “You don’t want to know how we were planning to get the kids across the border. You also don’t want to ask about those very large balloons and buckets of petroleum jelly” end quote.
In entertainment news, Tuesday marked the premiere of Lost. Which is apparently some show.
In other entertainment news, the Oscars were announced early this week. In a celebratory news conference, the President of the Academy had these remarks: There’s Oscar de la Renta, Oscar de la Hoya, Oscar Mayer, Oskar Schindler, Oscar the Grouch, Oscar from the Odd Couple…and many more.
In drunken celebrity news, Rip Torn was arrested late last week for breaking into a bank with a loaded gun, while completely hammered. Hollywood insiders say, “Nope, not just a clever name.”
In a related story, Taylor Swift won big at the Grammys on Sunday, but had a mishap when she dropped one of her awards and broke it. Hollywood insiders say that in this case, it is just a clever name.
That’s it! I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…I dropped it.
Episode 16 “Cats(thy)’s Idiot Show”
Posted on February 2nd, 2010
Well, it looks like the jig is up. The secret’s out. Scully and Mulder have found the undeniable truth.
I don’t write my stuff.
This guy does.
Which is clearly why I’m always talking about hairballs, kitty litter and catnip.
Actually, this entire blog was the cats’ idea. They’ve always thought I was an idiot, but they have to be nice to me because I have opposable thumbs and reliable transportation. The whole “Kathy’s an idiot” show thing is their way of holding me back, keeping me down and under their thumbs…wait…
To be honest, I’m quite relieved that I don’t have to hide this any more. It’s been difficult to keep up such an elaborate charade.
Why?
Because I’m an idiot.
An idiot with some litter scooping to do.
