Classic Episode - Episode 7 “An Idiot Wins the Lottery”
Posted on January 31st, 2010
In honor of me finally getting around to posting this on YouTube, here is a rerun of the infamous lottery episode.
People still talk about that day in Des Moines. Of course, mostly because it’s the day gay marriage was made legal by the courts, but still I was there too. Getting a big check.
Why?
Because, I’m an idiot. A lucky idiot.
Breaking the News - Week 4, Year 2010
Posted on January 29th, 2010
How about we call this week’s Late Breaking News? That makes it sound more exciting, wouldn’t you say?
This one’s a bit gassy, Apple released a new toy and Gary Coleman got short with some police officers in Utah. So, business as usual.
Breaking the News - Week 4, Year 2010 is also available on Vimeo.
Until they make stronger headlines, I’m just going to keep breaking them.
Why?
Because I’m an idiot.
For the actual stories:
How will Japan get a Gap Card?
We’re gonna need a bigger charcoal filter
Next, Apple releases the reinvented iWheel
He can’t be blamed for his short
Transcript:
Happy Friday! Here are some headlines from this week…sort of.
The President delivered his State of the Union a dress on Wednesday. Reactions from all sides were mixed and pundits say it was a kicky little tea-length number with a few ruffles and some embroidery around the waste…wait…what?
Let me try that again. The President delivered his State of the Union Address on Wednesday. And then provided turn-by-turn directions.
In market news, early in the week, Standard & Poor’s warned that it was considering lowering Japan’s credit rating. Experts say the country needs to take care of those disputed charges from Old Navy or else it will never qualify for that miles card it really wants.
In a study released last week, scientists conclude that the amounts of methane gas in the atmosphere are once again on the rise. I’ll give you a moment to allow your inner 12-year-old to finish this one.
In a related story, Toyota is recalling more vehicles with faulty gas pedals.
And in another clearly related story, Jessica Simpson broke wind in a meeting this week.
How’s your inner 12-year-old doing now? Still need a sec.? Ok.
In other science news, researchers have discovered a tiny organism that has been able to reproduce asexually for 30 million years. In a report published this week, scientists confirm that it has been able to go without sex for so long with the help of very small porn.
Apple released its much-rumored next big ticket tech toy on Wednesday. In a media extravaganza Steve Jobs showed off the device and said quote, “With this iPad my wallet with your technophile dollars. Please pay at the door,” end quote.
Author J.D. Salinger, who wrote Catcher in the Rye, one of America’s greatest novels, has passed away. Apparently this happened late this week and not 27 years ago like everyone thought.
And finally, in entertainment news, actor Gary Coleman was arrested in Utah again this weekend on a charge of domestic violence. An inside source says that once police arrived on the scene, a single officer was able to stop the assault by extending his arm and placing his hand on Coleman’s forehead.
That’s it! I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…I dropped it.
Breaking the News - Week 3, Year 2010
Posted on January 22nd, 2010
There was so much going on in the news this week I didn’t even have to mention Tiger Woods, 3G coverage OR Sarah Palin. Except I just did. Sonuva!
Oh, hey, there’s a special bonus for those of you who watch ’til the end.
Breaking the News - Week 3, Year 2010 is also available on Vimeo.
You know it’s not news until I’ve broken it.
Why?
Because I’m an idiot.
For the actual stories
Transcript
Happy Friday! Here are some headlines from this week…mmm…sort of.
With a narrow majority, the Supreme Court made a controversial ruling on Thursday, easing restrictions on corporate campaign spending. In their conservative majority opinion, the nation’s highest Court said quote, “We believe the United States should have free speech, it just shouldn’t have FREE speech” end quote.
In election news, Republican newcomer Scott Brown, won a special election in Massachusetts to fill Ted Kennedy’s seat in the Senate. Experts say Brown was able to turn the blue state red with a savvy campaign in which the one-time centerfold model turned state senator teamed up with UPS, appealing to voters by asking “What can Brown do for you?” wearing the famous brown shorts and promising to deliver his package to Capitol Hill.
In other news from The Hill, California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was at the Capitol this week campaigning to get federal funds to help his state with its budget crisis. In a hold-no-punches speech to the House, the Govenator promised that if funds were not allocated, he would be back.
A report released by the Inspector General on Wednesday detailed how the FBI illegally obtained thousands of phone records during the Bush administration. An FBI spokesperson defended the bureau’s actions in a press conference, saying quote, “Look, I still don’t know what the big deal is. It turns out that everyone was just calling in to vote for Clay Aiken on American Idol anyway” end quote.
An aftershock from last week’s earthquake, measuring 6.1 on the Richter scale shook the already devastated nation of Haiti early this week. According to budding seismologist Pat Robertson, this smaller scale event was caused by a more recent “gentlemen’s agreement” between Haiti and the Devil.
In other “acts of God” news, Los Angeles and other areas of Southern California were plagued by storms this week. Weather experts from the Pat Robertson Disaster Rationalization Center say these storms, which have caused major flooding and mudslides, are the result of a quote “pact with the Weinsteins” made by the region.
And finally, in entertainment news, the 67th Annual Golden Globes awards show aired on NBC on Sunday. Hollywood insiders report that Conan O’Brien was contracted as a seat filler for the event and could be seen keeping vacant spots warm until the invited celebrities returned to fill them.
That’s it! I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…I dropped it.
Breaking the News - Week 2, Year 2010
Posted on January 15th, 2010
Before things get silly, here are a few links to check out and see if there is something you may be able to do to help earthquake victims in Haiti…
Yéle Haiti
Charity Water
Meals from the Heartland
Doctors Without Borders
Oxfam America
And now for the idiocy.
You wouldn’t think it would be so hard to learn and recite 2 minutes worth of material, but the fact that you are thinking at all pretty much separates you from this herd. I’m an idiot and my bloopers are proof.
Here is just a short glimpse into what I go through every week just to spit out 7 or 8 rather lame jokes. You’ll notice that the final product is still in one take. One take it took me forever to tank.
Breaking the News - Week 2, Year 2010 is also available on Vimeo.
I’m not so good at it, but I’ll keep doing it. Because I need the practice? No. Because I’m an idiot!
And, just for fun, here’s photographic evidence.
For the actual stories
Let’s switch Daylight Savings Time again while we’re at it
I was mean to Mark McGwire, but
Transcript(ish)
Happy Friday! Here are some headlines from this week…sort of.
A federal judge ruled on Thursday that the FDA had overstepped its bounds in an attempt to regulate the use of electronic cigarettes. In his ruling, the U.S. District Court judge made it clear that sucking on cylindrical, battery operated devices seemed pretty harmless. But maybe he needed to see it demonstrated again. Preferably by that bailiff over there.
Fox News announced this week that it has signed on former Alaska governor, Sarah Palin, as a commentator for the network. Sources close to Palin say her initial concerns with the deal were laid to rest when she was assured that it is “not the one with Katie Couric.”
A devastating earthquake measuring 7.0 on the Richter scale hit the small, impoverished nation of Haiti, on Tuesday. Outspoken zealot and emerging earthquake expert, Pat Robertson, announced that this disaster was caused by Haiti making a, quote “pact with the devil.” Robertson predicts the same for Fox News any day now.
NBC finally announced its decision to move The Jay Leno Show to 11:35pm Eastern, pushing Conan O’Brien and The Tonight Show from the coveted time slot. Hollywood insiders are convinced that the network is only having Jay move to see if he can get better 3G coverage there.
In other entertainment news, Simon Cowell announced that this will be his final season as a judge on the popular show, American Idol. Sources close to the brutally honest talent competition judge say he’s going to take some time off to see if he can think of something nice to say.
And finally, in sports news, Mark McGwire admitted this week that he did indeed use performance enhancing drugs during his years in baseball. In a press conference on Monday, the Major Leaguer read from a statement, quote “I am ashamed to admit that my performance can only be enhanced and getting to home base is much easier if my wife is liquored up” end quote. Further proving that most modern, record-breaking ball players need drugs to score.
Omygod I made it! That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news breaks are broken, it’s ‘cause I’m an idiot. I did it!
Breaking the News - Week 1, Year 2010
Posted on January 8th, 2010
It’s a fresh new year with fresh new headlines to break for you. I’ll try to keep the shrapnel contained.
Breaking the News - Week 1, Year 2010 is also available on Vimeo.
My little news breaks are the dead opossums on the Information Superhighway.
Why?
Because I’m an idiot.
For the actual stories
Ohio cops are on the Teen Beat
“Google it” is the new “call me”
Transcript
Happy Friday! Here are some headlines from this first week of 2010…sort of.
On Thursday, President Obama took responsibility for correcting system failures that nearly led to the explosion of an airliner headed for the U.S. on Christmas day. In a press conference, the President outlined several bureaucratic changes the administration will make, assuring Americans that nothing improves security like red tape and new business cards.
In a related story, national security experts and civil liberties activists continue to debate the efficacy, necessity and invasiveness of full body scans in airports. Officials from the union that represents TSA workers say their membership will support the procedure as long as you-must-be-this-hot-to-go-through-security regulations are put in place.
On Tuesday, a pair of young girls aged 12 and 14 robbed a bank in Ohio and are still on the loose. Authorities in the state are urging parents to remind their daughters that “on the loose” should only mean that they spend too much time under the bleachers with boys and not that they are running from the law.
The tech industry was buzzing this week over the debut of the Nexus One mobile device released by Google. Some experts were not convinced of its marketability, though, wondering who will want a phone that they always have to search for.
In sports news, Wizards’ guard Gilbert Arenas was suspended by the NBA on Wednesday for showing off his guns in his team’s locker room. Said Arenas in a statement, “Hey, when you spend this much money on steroids, you should be able to flaunt the results every once in a while” end quote.
Rumors have surfaced about the possible cancellation of the Jay Leno Show, prompting NBC to release a statement detailing its plans for the future of the program. The network assured fans (or fan) that they will keep the show where it is if Leno promises to investigate more crime scenes or publicly search for a husband.
And finally, in other entertainment news, reports have been confirmed that Evan Rachel Wood and Marilyn Manson are indeed engaged. In a related story, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken, I dropped it.
