Breaking the News - Best of 2009

Posted on December 31st, 2009

I am an idiot, therefore I am unable to travel, have holidays AND create not-so-witty screwed up news. This means that the last two weeks of 2009 will pass without any news being broken. You know what that means? RERUNS!

That’s right, I’ve gone the lazy route and decided to do a “best of…” Which really translates to “not quite the worst of…”

And so, to close out the year 2009, I present to you a few of my favorite headlines from the last 14 weeks of the year (because obviously I wasn’t smart enough to begin this little project earlier in the year).

Have a safe, prosperous and happy new year!

I’m sure I’ll be back to breaking the news in 2010.

Why?

Because I’m an idiot.

Idiot on Holiday 2009

Posted on December 25th, 2009

Please watch my message from the inside

I have been captured by a merry band of holiday revelers. I am being held in a land of festive fun-making. So far my injuries include a sore face and a split side from too much smiling and laughing.

Enjoy your holidays on the outside. I hope to greet you in the new year.

After all, this season is a time of hope.

Why?

Because I’m an idiot.

Breaking the News - Week 50, Year 2009

Posted on December 18th, 2009

Clearly, I’ve already begun my holly jolly holidays. But the news must not go unbroken.

Better late than never!

Breaking the News - Week 50, Year 2009 is also available on Vimeo.

Please stay happy and healthy over the holidays! I’ll be back to bust up more headlines in 2010.

For the actual stories:

Everyone hates bills

I gotcher emissions right here

Please forward for good luck

Circle of safety?

The real thing

Celebs are so predictable

Nothing new under the tanning bed

Transcript:

Happy belated Friday! Here are some headlines from this week. (hiccup) Sort of.

As the Christmas and New Year holidays approach, along with the deadline for passing a health care reform bill, it appears that everyone in the Senate hates the current iteration of the bill on the floor. Constituents across America unite saying, “See, we told you bills for health care

The climate change summit in Copenhagen will wrap up at the end of this week. Experts say that while it is not likely that any actual agreement on how to reduce carbon emissions will be made, all delegates will still receive their commemorative Curb Your Emissions…Just Say No to Beans t-shirts and Do You Have Change for a Climate coffee mugs.

On Monday, computer technicians recovered 22 million missing email messages from the recent former Bush administration. An inside source who wished to remain anonymous said that obviously someone felt very strongly about superstitious chain emails and all messages will be forwarded to 10 people before the next new moon.

Reports surfaced this week that a pair of tourists from Georgia, who showed up one day early for a tour of the White House on Veterans’ Day, unintentionally found themselves at an invitation-only breakfast with the President …without an invitation. (laughs) I don’t even have to do anything to th

Pepsi announced on Thursday that it will not be advertising during the upcoming Super Bowl. Said the soda giant in a statement, quote “We’re just going to save our money, because if you haven’t heard of Pepsi by now, you probably don’t know what football is

And finally, pop culture headlines continue shock and astound the American public this week. Jon & Kate got divorced. The Duggars had another kid. Tiger Woods’ wife and sponsors won’t have anything to do with him. And Sarah Jessica Parker made a stinker of a movie. Hollywood insiders are flabbergasted and can only say that sometimes the truth is just stranger than fiction.

That’s it. I’m Kathy. Please stay safe over the holidays. And if the news is broken, (hiccup) I dropped it.

Breaking the News - Week 49, Year 2009

Posted on December 11th, 2009

Newsflash this week: In golf, even the scandals are boring. Whooda thunkit?

And I still need a haircut.

But there’s a boob joke in there for ya’. Enjoy!

Breaking the News - Week 49, Year 2009 is also available on Vimeo.

If you thought that was funny, you should come over and shovel my driveway. It’s not any funnier than this, I’m just tired of doing it.

For the actual stories:

Public is a dirty word

How about a “More Important Things” bill?

They’ve got a secret

Peep show

There’s not a map for that

Putting me to sleep

I wonder why I Winter in this land

Transcript:

Happy Friday! Here are some headlines from this week. Eh…sort of.

On Wednesday, the President voiced his support for Senate compromises on the public option in the proposed health care overhaul. When asked in a press conference if this would mean that some Americans would still go without coverage, the President said quote, “Well, let me be clear…what’s that? I think I hear my mom calling me. Gotta go” end quote.

Also this Wednesday from the Hill, a House subcommittee approved legislation to change the currently disproportionate way the Bowl Championship Series selects a national victor. Experts say that it appears that not a single member of this committee realizes that the Electoral College is not a part of the BCS.

On Monday, a report published in the Washington Post revealed at least 91 breaches of security allowed by the Secret Service over a 20 year period. An inside source says a proposal has been made to change the name of the agency to Victoria’s Secret Service since clearly its actions are dictated by boobs.

Just Born, the company that produces marshmallow Peeps, opened Peeps & Company in Washington D.C., its first ever retail storefront. The store’s manager reports already having to ask Paul Reubens and several congressmen to leave on more than one occasion, telling them it’s not that kind of store.

A new study out of Germany details differing results from a report released by NASA in May indicating the existence of a previously unknown planet some 20 light years away. A spokesperson from Verizon said in a statement that either way, it’s obvious that AT&T does not have 3G coverage there.

In sports news this week, tales of Tiger Woods’ many indiscretions bored the crap out of me so I couldn’t think of a joke. To be honest, I would only consider an affair with the golf champ if his name were Liger, because it’s only like my favorite animal.

And finally, a major Winter storm made its way across the mid-section of the country this week. ‘s no joke.

That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…I dropped it.

Episode 15 “Putting the ‘Key’ in Turkey”

Posted on December 9th, 2009

Good news. I’m still an idiot. Just in case there was any doubt.

Here’s the deal. I decided to go on a little 400 mile (each way) road trip to visit some friends over the long Thanksgiving weekend.

During said trip, I planned to stay at my dad’s condo for a couple of days. This was ingenious because it’s near where I was going to be and I saw a perfect opportunity to get the stuff I still have there and have a comfy place to catch some party naps while not inconveniencing anyone.

I had been planning to do this for a couple of months. I was being logical and efficient. It was all going to work out very nicely.

Which is why I was pretty ticked when I had been on the road for 2 hours - a rather frustrating 1.5 of which were spent going between 0 and 9 mph because of some traffic snafu on the interstate - and realized I forgot to bring the key with me.

FOR…GOT.

Oh no, it’s not like I set it out somewhere for myself and then just overlooked it in my rush to get out the door.

No, I’m an idiot, so I NEVER EVEN THOUGHT OF IT.

I did remember to bring snacks to eat on the road, 60 gajillion pairs of shoes, my pedometer so I could see how much Thanksgiving food inhalation I was working off, 47 jackets, some magazines, more socks than a centipede would need for a weekend, a variety of cords for plugging in communication devices and a bottle of The Good Stuff.

But the key to get into the place where I planned to stay?

I can pick lox, but I can't pick locks.

Not a chance. That would have been way too smart.

Thank goodness for my heroic perma-BFF, Nick*, who was kind enough to let me crash at his place at the last minute.

Without his gracious hostification, this is how I would have spent much of the weekend…

Rustic, but not ideal.

Strangely, once I got over the initial (and rather visceral) anger brought on by my mistake, I was excited that I had once again generated Idiot Show material. My huge <bleep> up actually pleased me because I would once again have some bit of idiocy to share with the world.

This is what has become of me. I screw up and it makes me happy.

Why?

Because I’m an idiot.

*names have NOT been changed because no friends of idiots should be protected

Breaking the News - Week 48, Year 2009

Posted on December 4th, 2009

Please forgive me for slacking off last week. I had so much food stuffed in my mouth all weekend that the broken news would have sounded like: “mmmffffmmmmmfffmmmmfffffmmmfff.”

Which may have been better, now that I think about it.

Anyway, I’m back on track. Fouling up the headlines and then subjecting you to my idiocy.

(You can also watch BtN on YouTube)

It’s a special little world I live in.

Why?

Because I’m an idiot!

For the actual stories:

Poops in Assghanistan

Bernie Bans Ben Bernanke

They thought they were going to White Castle

Spouses don’t do dishes

It’s called “off-air.” Duh

He drives grrrrrreat!

I wouldn’t turn her down

Transcript:
Happy Friday! Here are some headlines from this week. You know… sort of.

This week, President Obama addressed the nation to announce his plan to send 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan. Sources close to the White House say he plans to also address school children across the nation again, but he will soften the news for them by telling them he’s sending more poops to Assghanistan.

Also this week, Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont vowed to hold up Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke’s nomination for a second term, saying, quote “At least until we figure out if the second ‘n’ is silent” end quote.

In other news from the Capitol, a DC socialite couple crashed President Obama’s first State Dinner late last week. The couple claim they thought it would be perfectly acceptable for them to enter the White House uninvited, based on the precedent set by George W. Bush’s second term.

New York added its name to the growing list of states to reject gay marriage bills on Wednesday. A statement released by the state’s Senate made it clear that the majority of state lawmakers were just hoping to protect their gay friends from ever having to claim that their mothers-in-law were, of course, welcome to stay for another week and look fetching in those patchwork muumuus.

Comcast announced this week that it has struck a deal to buy NBC. Suckers. I get that network for free. Wait…what?

In sports news this week, much ado has been made about Tiger Woods’ recent, minor car accident and subsequent silence about the details. Experts say that any golf fan knows that this was just another day on the links for Tiger: a bad drive while trying to escape a man trap.

And finally, in entertainent news, Meredith Baxter came out of the closet this week. An anonymous source close to Baxter said, quote “That would explain the overwhelming stench of mothballs” end quote.

That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…I dropped it.