Episode 14 “Mailstrom”
Posted on November 28th, 2009
Received this in the mail the other day.
I don’t know if you know this, but apparently $55.00 is not an address.
I was as shocked as you are. I mean, it has numbers and words. What part of “numbers and words” is not an address?
You got me.
But clearly it is not.
I guess what I’ve learned is that the United States Postal Service does not appreciate having to divine where your mail should be directed. And what an expensive lesson it was to learn, too.
Kathy: Drop this off at fifty-five dollars, please. I’ll give you this $.44.
USPS: No deal. That’ll be another $.44.
Kathy: But why?
USPS: Because you’re an idiot.
Can’t argue with that logic. Add an envelope and $.44 to my idiot tab. And if you see me wandering around with that lost look, please help me out…I’m probably looking for a dollar amount.
Why?
Because I’m an idiot!
Breaking the News - Week 46, Year 2009
Posted on November 20th, 2009
I’ve posted it late. I need a haircut. There’s cursing. And there are massive joke fails. It’s like I’m not even trying any more.
Still…I broke every last story. I’m an unstoppable idiot.
Enjoy!
For the actual stories:
They’re called “bills” for a reason
Pirates: Not just for Disney any more
Oprah and Palin have stolen me Lucky Charms
I can’t believe a did a story about this…I’m sorry
Transcript:
Happy Friday! Here are some headlines from this week. Sort of.
Thursday marked the 146th anniversary of the Gettysburg address. Even nearly 150 years later, pizza guys and DHL drivers still can’t find the place. However, debt collectors and Jehovah’s witnesses have had no problems.
Early in the week, Attorney General Eric Holder announced that the self-proclaimed 9/11 mastermind (whose name, while pronounceable, shall not be mentioned here) will be tried in New York. Federal prosecutors have determined it is best to just let Judge Judy kick his [censored].
New government guidelines detailing how often and at what ages women should have mammograms have fueled debate over a possible decrease in health insurance coverage of the procedure. The men of America have united to assure women that they will continue to provide examinations free of charge.
In other health news, the Senate unveiled its $849 billion health care bill. To put the cost in perspective, Senate leaders assured Americans that the pricetag is roughly the same as your average Randy Quaid hotel bill.
Late on Wednesday, the U.S. ship the Maersk Alabama foiled an alleged pirate attack. This a mere 7 months after surviving a dramatic hostage situation at the hands of pirates. In an official statement by a top Navy officer, the incident was clarified confirming that it was just a rowdy party in celebration of Johnny Depp being named People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive.
Time Warner officially announced this week that it will split with AOL on December 9th. In a statement released by AOL the company said, “Great. And right before the holidays too.”
On Monday, Oprah hosted Sarah Palin on her show for an in depth interview about her new book and some of her more publicly criticized moments. During the interview, the former Vice Presidential candidate surprised everyone by revealing that she had actually wanted to call her book Going Brogue. Because it’s “magically delicious.”
In other entertainment news, New Moon, the much anticipated sequel to Twilight, premiered in Los Angeles this week. Audiences expecting copious amounts of derriere, based on the title, will be disappointed, but insiders say the studio promises excessive buttocks in the follow-up release “Full Moon: Southern Exposure.”
That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…I dropped it.
Breaking the News - Week 45, Year 2009
Posted on November 13th, 2009
Ponzis and blackouts and Dobbs, oh my! The news is scary. Let me break it for you.
Breaking the News – Week 45, Year 2009 from Kathy Landin on Vimeo.
For the actual stories:
And the Wall came tumbling down
Transcript:
Happy Friday! Here are some headlines from this week. Sort of.
This week marked the 20th anniversary of the taking down of the Berlin Wall. Decades later, Mr. Berlin loves how removing the wall opened up the space to allow more light in and Mrs. Berlin is still angry that she has nowhere to hang photos of the grandchildren.
Early in the week, reports surfaced that Chrysler has disbanded its electric vehicle engineering team. Experts say that the change was brought on by new owner, Fiat. But inside sources claim that the real reason was the company’s disappointment in the team’s first prototype, the Electric Boogaloo.
In market news, despite a decrease in unemployment claims, the dollar continues to remain at a record low. With deer populations reaching record highs and moving further into suburban neighborhoods causing traffic accidents and costly property damage, many Americans have turned to using actual bucks to make purchases at local businesses and retailers.
Court documents were filed this week detailing an alleged, elaborate Ponzi scheme being investigated by the FBI in Florida. A spokesperson for the bureau said in a press conference, “One of these days we will finally get to the bottom of this whole Disney World thing.”
A major hydroelectric plant in Brazil lost power on Tuesday, affecting more than half of the South American country. This Brazilian blackout resulted in ALL of the electricity being off in 18 of Brazil’s 26 states. None of it was left on. It was all gone.
In Salt Lake City this week, the Mormon Church announced its support of gay rights legislation. In an official endorsement from its elders, the Church said, “We don’t care who you marry, as long as you marry a lot of them.”
In music news, Taylor Swift reportedly cleaned up at the Country Music Awards on Wednesday night. Sources close to the singer say it seemed awkward that they would make the Entertainer of the Year pick up trash and empty wine glasses, but she was ok with it as long as Kanye West would allow her to finish.
And finally, on Wednesday, veteran news anchor Lou Dobbs announced he was leaving CNN. Following standard procedure, the network immediately canceled all of Mr. Dobbs’ security access to their facilities. An unfortunate scene ensued when Mr. Dobbs returned to CNN about 45 minutes later claiming he only meant he was going out to get more tapioca and melba toast.
That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…I dropped it.
Breaking the News - Week 44, Year 2009
Posted on November 6th, 2009
This broadcast is brought to you by the letters B and N and the number 44. However, it contains no Snuffleupagi, even though they are absolutely real.
It’s not news, if I haven’t broken it.
Why?
Because I’m an idiot.
For the actual stories:
We don’t vote unless Ryan Seacrest tells us to
I wouldn’t want the same sex in marriage either
They found the cash in the glove box
Strike three and they’re still out
This documentary is a Thriller
Bert and Ernie could get married on Sesame Street
Transcript:
Happy Friday! Here are some headlines from this week. Sort of.
Tuesday was election day across the nation. Reports say that turn-out at the polls was relatively low, even for an off year. Experts claim that many people were unwilling to make the short trip and not wait in line at their precincts due to a rumored shortage of those little “I voted” stickers.
In a related story, a marriage referendum was on the ballot in Maine. Had it passed, Maine would have been the first state to approve a same-sex marriage law by public vote. The public, however, voted to repeal the law and then demanded that everyone also be barred from being married to their work, the mob and people who are just like their parents.
Ford Motor Company reported third quarter earnings of 1 billion dollars. They attributed the high number to the Cash for Clunkers program, not blowing a bunch of money on employees and selling copies of a tastefully done nude board member of the month calendar.
Early in the week, reports surfaced that Warren Buffett had inked a deal to buy Burlington Northern Railroad. Sources close to the bazillionaire say that no one has the heart to tell him that the sale photos were taken from a helicopter and it’s not the kind of train he can use to play choo choo with the grandkids in the basement.
In Philadelphia, a transit workers’ strike wreaked havoc on commuter traffic in the city. Government officials however, were assured by union leaders that the timing of the strike in relation to the Phillies’ appearance in the World Series was purely coincidental. And sources say, a possible agreement was reached late Wednesday…shortly after Victorino grounded out.
The Michael Jackson documentary “This Is It,” featuring behind-the-scenes footage from preparations for the tour that never was, was released this week. Insiders say that ticket sales have been high, further proving Michael Jackson’s status as the King of Popcorn.
In other entertainment news, this week marks the 40th anniversary of Sesame Street. Sources confirm that after 40 years, Oscar is a grouch because he’s going through “the change,” Grover will now demonstrate “near” and “far” by putting on and taking off his bifocals and hi-tech GPS receivers have all but eliminated the need for the question “Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street?”
That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…I dropped it.
