Breaking the News - Week 43, Year 2009
Posted on October 30th, 2009
It’s Halloween, so there are stories about death, airline pilots, Hillary Clinton and other scaaaaaary stuff.
None of which you should pay any heed to. Don’t let the jacket and fake news music fool you. I’m still an idiot.
Breaking the News – Week 43, Year 2009 from Kathy Landin on Vimeo.
And so ends another frightening week in Kathyland. Why? Because I’m an idiot!
For the actual stories:
What is it, girl? The bridge is out?
You pay your bills, you must have money, we’ll take it
When you care enough to buy discount
And I can’t even make money while I’m alive
Transcript:
Happy Friday! Here are some headlines from this week. Sort of.
Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, visited Lahore for a few days this week in an effort to improve Pakistan’s relationship with the United States. She admitted she wasn’t quite sure what Ms. Lewinski could do to affect relations with an Islamic country, but fine, whatever, she’ll do what she has to do, just don’t leave them alone in a room together.
The San Francisco Bay bridge was shut down on Tuesday after pieces of it began to fall off. Due to the city’s severe lack of alert collies, many citizens were unaware the bridge was out, causing traffic jams and major delays. Other issues resulting from this shortage of warning dogs include not knowing where Timmy is or why the well is plugged up.
This week, the FAA revoked the licenses of two Northwest Airlines pilots who flew past their stop at the Minneapolis International Airport on October 21st. In a statement released by the airline, the pilots cited a conversation and laptop use as their reasons for the error, saying, (quote) “We were just updating our Facebook statuses to ‘flying over Minneapolis…brrrr’ when we realized our mistake.” (end quote)
Many news organizations reported this week that some banks and credit card issuers have plans to begin charging customers fees for regularly paying off their balances on time. They will also charge customers for holding open the door for little old ladies, waiting patiently in line for their turn and not stealing pens from the lobby.
To compete with discount giant Costco, WalMart began offering caskets and urns on their website, to their customers. In a press release, the mega-retailer said it is proud to offer options to those people who otherwise would have to leave Pop-Pop up on blocks in the front yard once he stopped running.
In other ghoulish death news, Forbes magazine released their list of the top-earning dead celebrities of this year. Yves Saint Laurant buried the competition with 350 million dollars earned post mortem, beating Michael Jackson by a show-stopping 260 million dollars. Other dead celebrity lists we can expect to see soon include People Magazine’s Sexiest Decomposed Corpses of 2009 and CollegeHumor.com’s Top 100 C-CILF’s, a listing of the celebrity corpses students would most like to…well…(shudder)
That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…I dropped it.
Breaking the News - Week 42, Year 2009
Posted on October 23rd, 2009
This week’s broken news is dedicated to all the women who have fought the battle against breast cancer.
And most especially, to ‘Berta Landin and Clarice Lanterman.
Please join me in helping to find a cure. Visit the Susan G. Komen for the Cure site and make a donation today. And, if you’re in the neighborhood, come out and cheer on Team Twitter for Titters this Saturday during Des Moines’ annual Race for the Cure.
Breaking the News – Week 42, Year 2009 from Kathy Landin on Vimeo.
I’d like to dodge a bullet and not have to experience chemo. I could never go on camera without hair.
Consider what you can do to help.
For the actual stories:
Support your favorite NPR station
Zombies will be out on the street
Play on words falls on foreign ears
Lose your gut, lose your keys, lose your mind
Transcript:
Happy Friday! Here are some headlines from this week. Sort of.
This week is Fall “pledge week” for many NPR stations. As a result, reactionary speculation increased as everyone was only getting their news from Twitter, cable and KUSA-TV in Denver, Colorado.
The CDC announced late last week that the wide release of the vaccine for the H1N1 virus will likely be delayed by a month. They went on to explain that nobody needed to worry because the early fear mongering was mostly unnecessary and anybody can avoid contracting the flu by simply washing their hands and making use of the “circle circle dot dot, now you’ve had your flu shot” home vaccination system.
There are concerns as reports surfaced this week that cemeteries are running out of room due to low cash reserves, the high cost of real estate and recession-level spending. Many municipalities fear that the homeless zombie population will be on the rise. (Ha ha…on the rise. I just got that.)
In other recession news, Yahoo reported that it’s third quarter profit is up nearly three times what it was last year. While revenues are still down, this slump-ending achievement made everyone who still works at Yahoo jump up and say…(Yahoo! tag plays)…yes, that.
Many retailers have pulled “illegal alien” costumes from the shelves after harsh criticism from immigrant rights groups. All “illegal alien” costumes have been stuffed into vans and sent across the border. However, there are no reports of anybody being offended by slutty schoolgirl costumes due to a lack of slutty schoolgirl rights groups.
In sports news, many are calling official Tim McClelland’s call at third base during the 4th game between the Yankees and the Angels in the American League series “the worst call of all time.” John McCain’s vice presidential selection committee would disagree.
In entertainment news, NBC announced that it will give Biggest Loser trainer, Jillian Michaels her own show next year called “Losing It with Jillian Michaels.” In the show, contestants will spend the better part of an hour getting ab and lower body workouts while searching for missing keys, glasses, passports, remote controls and backs of earrings. Most of which will be on the table in the kitchen the entire time.
That’s it. I’m Kathy and if the news is broken…I dropped it.
Breaking the News - Week 41, Year 2009
Posted on October 16th, 2009
I wore a scarf and talked about the Dow Jones Industrial Average. That certainly doesn’t mean I have any idea about what is actually going on.
Breakin’ it like it’s 1983.
Breaking the News – Week 41, Year 2009 from Kathy Landin on Vimeo.
One of these days I’m going to get it so wrong that it’s going to be right.
Why?
Because I’m an idiot!
For the actual stories:
Come-a come-a Dow doobie do Dow Dow
It happens to everyone, even Nobel
I apologize for further coverage of these two
Transcript:
Happy Friday! Here are some headlines from this week. Sort of.
The Senate Finance committee was finally able to pass a presentable healthcare reform bill after much difficult negotiation and a bipartisan move by Republican Senator Olympia Snowe. Other things senators find it difficult to pass include, kidney stones, the 9th grade, the bar, bread trucks, A bar and sobriety checkpoints.
In other news from the Hill, Representative Thaddeus McCotter of Michigan is sponsoring the HAPPY Act in the House. This bill would allow pet owners to claim deductions for animal care costs on their taxes. In hopes of cashing in, I have now given names to 6 pairs of shoes, 4 purses, a belt and a winter coat.
This week the Dow Jones Industrial Average reached 10,000 for first time since the beginning of the economic slump. To celebrate achieving this auspicious milestone, everyone enjoyed government surplus cheese while Michael Moore made awkward love to the Stock Exchange bell.
Public debate continues as many Americans feel that the Norwegian Nobel Committee awarded the Nobel Peace Prize to President Obama prematurely. Nobel experts say not to worry, it’s really o.k., they were probably just nervous and it happens to everyone.
Fans mourned the passing of Captain Lou Albano this week. Sources close to the legendary wrestling coach say his family couldn’t quite let him go, staying by his bedside in hopes that he would snap back. You know…like…a…rubber…band. Forget it.
In other entertainment news, Jon Gosselin has been ordered by the court to give back money he allegedly removed from an account he shared with his estranged wife, Kate. Hollywood insiders say a reality mini-series is in development to highlight this event and a cable bidding war has begun for Jon and Kate Plus Rebate.
And finally, on Thursday, the world watched in fear via the internet as a 6 year old boy named Falcon reportedly soared over the state of Colorado in a helium balloon. It turns out that the boy was safely at home in a box in his garage the entire time. Further proving that children should be seen and not birds.
That’s it. I’m Kathy and if the news is broken…I dropped it.
Breaking the News - Week 40, Year 2009
Posted on October 9th, 2009
Well, it happened again, we survived another week. Now it’s time for this idiot to let you know what happened while you were creating cover pages for your TPS reports.
This is pretty much what happened…at least in my mind.
Breaking the News – Week 40, Year 2009 from Kathy Landin on Vimeo.
For the actual stories:
Letterman’s Team Building Exercise
Transcript:
Happy Friday! Here are some of the headlines from this week. Sort of.
The Supreme Court is back again this week. As always, the stuffed crust is included.
Because of the volatility of the dollar, gold prices continue to climb. Experts say that at this point, it has pretty much gone platinum.
In a related story, some Arab oil producers are planning to stop taking U.S. dollars as payment for oil. They will, however, accept Facebook ranking points and Google Wave invitations.
Astronomers at NASA have discovered a previously unseen ring around Saturn. Sources say they will launch space-grade Scrubbing Bubbles to try to get rid of it in an attempt to keep it clean just in case GM can find another interested buyer.
Authorities in South Florida have been investigating a large, illegal meat market in the area. News of this has caused concern for families who haven’t heard from grandma in a while.
Speaking of meat market, in response to allegations of having inappropriate relationships with some of his staff members, David Letterman apologized on the Late Show, Tuesday night. The scandal has resulted in a jump in ratings for the show, prompting the entire cast of Gary Unmarried to also apologize for sleeping with Late Show staffers. (and, in case it helps, I also slept with Stephanie and I’m really sorry)
In other entertainment news, Michael Vick has signed a contract for an 8 part reality series on BET. Sources say the Supreme Court will begin hearing arguments on whether or not entertainment involving Michael Vick is cruel and should be considered illegal.
It was a big week for sports fans in Minnesota. The Vikings, led by once-Packer Brett Favre, reigned victorious over Green Bay on Monday night and, on Tuesday, the Twins beat the Detroit Tigers to enter into post-season play. Of course, I have no idea what any of this means because all I just heard myself say was blah blah blah Brett Favre (grrrr) blah blah blah blah blah.
And finally, a new poll released by Marist lists some of America’s most annoying phrases. Not making the cut were “Your call will be handled in the order it was received” and “You’ll just feel a little pinch.”
That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…I dropped it.
Breaking the News - Week 39, Year 2009
Posted on October 2nd, 2009
I’ve done it again. I’ve gone and broken the news.
Here are this week’s headlines filtered through the mind of an idiot.
Breaking the News – Week 39, Year 2009 from Kathy Landin on Vimeo.
What we learn from this is that if you keep making headlines, I’ll keep messing them up. Clearly, if the news is broken, I dropped it.
Why?
Because I’m an Idiot!
For the actual stories:
General Motors/Saturn decision
Hollywood stands by Roman’s numeral
Transcript:
Happy Friday! Here are some of the headlines from this week. Sort of.
The CDC announced that a vaccine for the H1N1 virus will be available in mid-October. Rather than go with something in the form of a shot or nasal spray, they are simply going to hand out bumper stickers that say “Keep kosher and stop the Swine Flu.”
A Senate committee has voted down the public option proposed in the health care reform plan. Other things they are considering taking away a public option for include restrooms, enemies and opinions.
On Thursday, world leaders gathered to discuss nuclear testing in Iran. Representatives from that country claim that the testing they are doing is harmless, saying they are only trying to see how many ticks it takes to get to the center of a warhead.
On Wednesday, General Motors announced its decision to discontinue the Saturn brand. Among other things cited were concerns of the competition running rings around it.
AARP released a survey showing that older workers are concerned about finances. These findings largely discredit the theory that elderly people just really enjoy wearing blue vests and spending 8 hours greeting everyone who comes into Walmart.
Former Vice Presidential Candidate Sarah Palin is in the news again this week. This time for finishing her memoir early. Insider reports indicate that most of the words in the 400 page book can be found in Merriam Webster’s 365 New Words A Year, Page A Day calendar, except any of those appearing after September.
This week, Maryland added its name to the list of states that have enacted bans on texting while driving …(text alert ding, stop to text)…I’m sorry what?
Paleontologists have finally finished their analysis of what is considered to be the oldest human-like fossil on record. Larry King is now available to return to broadcasting.
In other entertainment news, Conan O’Brien has returned to work after suffering a minor concussion he sustained in a fall during a stunt for his nightly talk show. In a statement released by the network, Conan said, (quote) “Now who’s got helmet hair?” (end quote)
In her debut episode of Saturday Night Live, new cast member Jenny Slate inadvertently dropped the f-bomb and it appears that she will still have a job. This just f**ing goes to show that you can f**ing say f**ing anything on f**ing TV as long as Lorne f**ing Michaels f**ing owns you because he is the f**ing mac daddy of broadcast f**ing entertainment.
And finally, Roman Polanski has been arrested in Switzerland and faces extradition to the United States on charges that he allegedly had sex with a 13 year old girl decades ago. Once again triggering debates about the proper use of Roman’s numeral.
That’s it. I’m Kathy and if the news is broken…I f**ing dropped it.
