Breaking the News - July 30, 2010
Posted on July 30th, 2010
It’s Friday. There was news. We broke it.
It happens.
Breaking the News - July 30, 2010 is also available on Vimeo.
The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators: @joeschmitt, @arjunbasu, @bedheadblonde, @blobert, Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW, @davio1962, @donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @goldengateblonde, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch, @iamnotdiddy, @iowaradioguy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @northpacific, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslich Sam Battin, @ShawnaShawna, @slag_mag, @succitaM, @TheInfamousGdub, @thejohnblog, @unfnshdprsn, @yayaa.
Transcript
Happy Friday! Here are some headlines from this week. You know…sort of.
British Petroleum and Sarah Palin top our news again this week. Tony Hayward, beleaguered boss of BP, has been asked by the company to take a position in Russia, in lieu of leaving the maligned organization completely. Inside sources say that upon hearing of his transfer, Sarah Palin expressed excitement because she will soon be able to see him whenever she wants.
Also in Russia, a prolonged heat wave has caused far-reaching drought, leading to massive, uncontrolled forest fires. Said one Russian official in a press conference, “We aren’t really sure what the issue is. As usual, we’ve been dousing the problem with vodka, but the fire just keeps getting bigger.”
In other international news, reports have surfaced in Baghdad that Iraqi militants are stealing blood from hospitals. Although Iraqi authorities don’t know what the militants are doing with the blood, they have been able to identify one of the alleged thieves. In a statement to the press, one official said, “He was tall, thin, pale and had dreamy eyes and sparkly skin. (pause) But we lost him when he walked in front of a mirror.”
In a related story, a report published Tuesday by the Special Inspector General for Iraq Reconstruction revealed that the Department of Defense allowed 8.7 billion dollars to, “become unaccounted for.” Breaking the News talked with a DoD spokesperson to find out just how a major government office misplaces nearly 9 billion dollars.
REPORTER
I have with me Pentagon Spokesman Chad Huntington. Thanks for being with us today, Mr. Huntington.
DoD
Hello. Glad to be here.
REPORTER
Did the Department of Defense lose $8.7 billion dollars in Iraq?
DoD
Yes, it’s true. 8.7 billion dollars is missing. But I don’t know what the big deal is.
REPORTER
But, sir, that’s a lot of money.
DoD
No, no, no, no. That barely covers a month of the war! I mean, just barely. It’s chump change. A few fighters jets here, a couple of hellcate missles and a couple of drones.
REPORTER
So you’re saying that 9 billion dollars doesn’t matter?
DoD
Exactly. The DoD budget for this year alone is 600 billion dollars. 9 billion dollars is just petty cash. You should see the expense account we had for McChrystal’s going away party! Incredible. We had these hookers show up in Burkhas, see? And then they had all this hash. It was so great.
REPORTER
But sir, that’s 9 billion dollars!
DoD
Hey, look. We still have Saddam Hussein’s head.
REPORTER
You have a point. Back to you, Kathy.
Not surprising.
In the U.S., political experts report that Republicans running for reelection this November will be running on a strict “No” platform. Said Senator Mitch McConnell of Kentucky, “No jobs. No taxes. No fun. No salt. No titty [bleep] bars. No! NO! NOOOOO!” Other items that will be included in the “No” platform are: NObama, no pants, no tree huggers, no diggity and no duh.
In other news from our nation’s capital, the National Building Museum in Washington DC is featuring replicas of 15 famous skyscrapers built entirely of Legos. Included are Chicago’s Willis (under breath “Sears”) Tower, the Empire State Building and the Burj Khalifa in Dubai. Patrons of the museum are invited to stay for a night in any one of the towers provided they are no taller than .7 inches and have the proper receptacles on their feet.
Earlier this week, low cost carrier Southwest Airlines caused a stir when they asked a “thin” customer to give up her seat on a Sacramento flight to make more room for a “hefty” passenger. Inspired by this move, European low cost airliner Ryanair will begin asking thin passengers to double-up in seats and Delta and United have announced plans to begin tagging smaller passengers to be valeted for pick up at the end of the jet bridge upon deplaning.
In tech news, Apple unveiled its Magic Trackpad for Mac desktop computers on Monday. One industry expert agrees that the device is an advancement among similar devices and leads the way in concept and design, but says it is not likely to catch on with consumers due to a “programming flaw that causes it to mimic my ex-wife and not function unless you touch it EXACTLY right.”
In entertainment news, Amanda Bynes announced to the world that she will be coming out of retirement only one month after deciding she would get out of the “biz.” Much to the dismay of Green Bay fans, the Vikings plan to have her start in their home opener.
And finally, a rare zebra-donkey hybrid was born at a Georgia wildlife refuge this past week. Scientists there are now working on an elephant-donkey hybrid, with the hopes of raising taxes to help lower Georgia’s $2 billion deficit. Inside sources say they plan to name the resulting creature Joe Lieberman.
That’s it. I’m Kathy. And in Soviet Russia…the news breaks you.
Breaking the News - July 23, 2010
Posted on July 23rd, 2010
We aren’t doctors, but we play them on TV, so we’ve doctored up a photo or two for you. Also, get your LiLo and Palin updates and find out whose bag isn’t worth more than a dime. And we have your exclusive opportunity to push Glenn Beck from a plane. Once again, The Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s I’m an Idiot Show have broken the news. Even if just a little bit behind schedule.
This one is in memory of Dave Landin, who would have celebrated his 61st birthday today.
Breaking the News - July 23, 2010 is also available on Vimeo.
The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators: @joeschmitt, @arjunbasu, @bedheadblonde, @blobert, Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW, @davio1962, @donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @goldengateblonde, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch, @iamnotdiddy, @iowaradioguy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @northpacific, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslich Sam Battin, @ShawnaShawna, @slag_mag, @succitaM, @TheInfamousGdub, @thejohnblog, @unfnshdprsn, @yayaa.
For the actual stories
You Don’t Have To Put On the Red Light
Transcript
Happy Friday! Here are some headlines from this week…sort of.
In our top story, evidence surfaced this week that BP used Photoshop to doctor a publicity photo of its disaster war room. BP’s newest PR representative says they are doing everything they can to cap negative information to keep it from leaking out in the future.
In international news, China announced that it is deeply troubled by its slow economic growth. Financial analysts point to the reduction in stimulation but assume the government will soon take a more hands-on approach. One government official reportedly asked, “Our growth rate isn’t that small, is it? It’s really pretty average, right?”
Hockey Mom, Sarah Palin, compared herself to Shakespeare on Twitter this week, proclaiming that, “English is a living language. Shakespeare liked to coin new words too,” as she defended the use of words such as “misunderestimate” and “refudiate.” Hmmm…neither one of those work in Words With Friends. Maybe Scrabble is more Libertarian . . . m . . . i . . . s . . . there I go. 122 points!
In technology news, communities across the country are banning once popular red light cameras as a form of law enforcement. Experts say red light districts, however, are still popular with many voters.
Apple CEO Steve Jobs defended the iPhone’s allegedly poor reception by claiming that rival Blackberry’s “ugly talking devices” also suffer from dropped calls. Said Jobs in a press conference, “It doesn’t matter how well your antenna works if nobody wants to look at you, or caress you, or touch your buttons.” A Blackberry spokesperson pointed out that while the phones are similar in many ways, the Blackberry is the only one of the two smart phones that “doesn’t get returned.”
In weather news, a heatwave oppressed much of the central section of the United States this week, prompting weather experts to release excessive heat warnings for many residents. Weatherman Jason Balmy has this report. Jason?
JASON: Oh my God! It’s so unbelievably hot! It’s burn your feet on the hot sand hot, it’s bonfire in July hot, it’s fry an egg on the asphalt hot! Look, every place is hot! Texarkana: Hot! Memphis: Hot! Tupelo: Hot! Cape Giarardeau: Hot! It’s hot Hot HOOOOOOT! In other words, Kathy, it’s hot. Back to you.
That certainly was excessive.
In entertainment news, conservative talk show host and Fox News contributor Glenn Beck is auctioning a helicopter ride and dinner with him and his wife. At air time, the current bid was $75,000. Said one bidder, “$75,000 seems a reasonable price to pay for the opportunity to push Glenn Beck out of an aircraft.”
Earlier this week, Paris Hilton was blunt as she responded to allegations that authorities found pot in her purse. Said Hilton, “I wasn’t arrested for pot, I was arrested for HOT. Quick, somebody call the police . . . this purse is so cute, it’s killing me.”
On Tuesday, actress Lindsay Lohan began serving what is expected to be 12 days of a 90 day jail sentence. Hollywood insiders say, coincidentally, that is the same number of minutes most audience members make it through one of her films.
And finally, scientists discovered that feeding cows and sheep coriander and turmeric, two spices commonly found in curry, can reduce the animals’ greenhouse gas emissions by up to 40%. There is no word yet if this also works on husbands.
That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken, it’s gotta be the double rainbow.
Read This Post, I Say
Posted on July 20th, 2010
A few months ago, the government was revisiting the military’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy.
This inspired me to express my thoughts on the topics of integration, segregation and discrimination. But not very many people read the blog post. So I’m posting it again because I think it’s pretty darn good…if I do say so myself, which I just did…and more people should see it.
Therefore, I re-give you: Orange Sock Underground
Read it. Love it. Live it.
Breaking the News - July 16, 2010
Posted on July 16th, 2010
This week The Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s I’m an Idiot Show prove that size does indeed matter, French politicians have the hair and Hugh Hefner and Roman Polanksi both look forward to keeping some things private. No…seriously.
Breaking the News - July 16, 2010 is also available on Vimeo.
The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators: @joeschmitt, @arjunbasu, @bedheadblonde, @blobert, Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW, @davio1962, @donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @goldengateblonde, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch, @iamnotdiddy, @iowaradioguy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @northpacific, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslich Sam Battin, @ShawnaShawna, @slag_mag, @succitaM, @TheInfamousGdub, @thejohnblog, @unfnshdrambler, @yayaa.
For the actual stories
Transcript
Happy Friday! Here are some headlines from this week…sort of.
In our top story, on Sunday, police in the Bahamas finally tracked down and arrested the 19-year-old American known as the “Barefoot Bandit.” The youngster has racked up a long list of criminal charges that includes robberies and the crash of a stolen plane. Authorities say he will be extradited to the custody of his mother who has promised to punish him harshly by, “Taking away his Grand Theft Auto privileges for a couple of weeks or so.”
In international news, French President Nicolas Sarkozy brushed off allegations of illegal donations by L’Oreal heiress, Liliane Bettencourt this week. In an interview the President claimed, “In an overwhelming majority, French politicians are clean. And have great hair.” He went on to say that even if the allegations were true, it shouldn’t matter, because he’s worth it.
In World health news, condom manufacturers have been asked to produce their products in smaller sizes for men in India because they “keep slipping off.” In a related story, international shoe and glove makers have also been asked to produce their products in smaller sizes.
On Wednesday, BP began testing a new cap for its leaking well in the Gulf. In a statement to the press, a spokesperson from the company said, “Up until now, we just couldn’t seem to get the size right. The last cap was always slipping off or leaking. It’s like someone forgot that these are Indian pipes, which are way too small and dinky for those large girth American pipe caps.”
Recent reports about the size of Sarah Palin’s campaign fund have pundits speculating about her next move. When asked what she planned to do with her million dollar war chest, Palin responded, “That’s just another liberal media lie. This boob job only cost twenty grand. How do you like them apples?!”
Also from the Palin blotter, after the NAACP voted on a resolution Tuesday condemning Tea Party Supporters as racist, Alaska’s former governor said in a statement to the press, “The NAACP is clearly anti-America, and ungrateful for all America has done for its members. Hey, it’s not like anyone forced those people to come here anyway.”
In entertainment news, on Monday Swiss officials denied the U.S.’s request to extradite Roman Polanski, famed director and fugitive accused of raping a 13-year-old girl in California in 1977. Sources close to the now free man say Polanski wishes only for his privacy and the privacy of his unnamed number of “appropriately aged companions.”
And finally, Playboy founder Hugh Hefner has offered to buy back all shares of the company he built and take it private. In a statement released by his publicist, Hefner says he made the offer because, “this way I can try and masturbate all by myself.”
That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…I need smaller shoes.
Breaking the News - July 9, 2010
Posted on July 9th, 2010
As the internet takes its last, dying breaths, we are sentencing you to 3 minutes of watching this week’s (sort of) headlines. Maybe Justin Bieber will be back from North Korea (aka The Mall) by the time you’re done.
Breaking the News - July 9, 2010 is also available on Vimeo.
The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators: @joeschmitt, @arjunbasu, @bedheadblonde, @blobert, Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW, @davio1962, @donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @goldengateblonde, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch, @iamnotdiddy, @iowaradioguy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @northpacific, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslich Sam Battin, @ShawnaShawna, @slag_mag, @succitaM, @TheInfamousGdub, @thejohnblog, @unfnshdrambler, @yayaa.
For the actual stories
Cries a River Going Up the River
Transcript
In our top story this week, police in Portland, Oregon are investigating allegations that former Vice President Al Gore sexually harassed a masseuse there. During questioning, the masseuse told the police that Al Gore does indeed have a, “very, very, very small carbon footprint.”
Despite the mess in the Gulf of Mexico, as well as a public boycott of service stations across the country, the Department of Defense continues to purchase oil from BP. In a statement to the press, an official from the Department said, “You don’t see anyone attacking us from the Gulf of Mexico, do you? Do you?”
In news from the Hill, long standing Senator Robert Byrd of West Virginia passed away last week at the age of 92. Political experts agree that Senator Byrd has begun what is likely to be the best filibuster ever.
In a related story, broadcasting legend Larry King announced his retirement from Larry King Live late last week. Hollywood insiders say King was asked to retire after it was determined that renaming the show Larry King Barely Alive would not have a positive effect on the ratings.
Also in entertainment news, Justin Bieber is on his way to North Korea after an online vote choosing his next tour destination. The Bieber camp was quick to deny that the singing sensation thought North Korea was a “suburb of Los Angeles” and added that Bieber is looking forward to working in a labor camp, malnutrition and combing the hair of North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il every hour upon the hour.
In other internet music news, Prince declared the web “completely over.” He also said that his next “album” will be “gramophone” friendly and should appeal to men and women who still wear jackets with puffy sleeves.
A federal judge in California sentenced the people of jail to 90 days of Lindsay Lohan this week. Human rights activists are appalled and continue to protest the cruel nature of the punishment on behalf of all California inmates.
In sports news, the World Cup played on this week and it never seemed to end. Ever. Causing the CEO of BP, Tony Hayward to complain that he’d just like to have his life back.
In Japan, a major scandal engulfed the world of sumo wrestling. We didn’t care about that either.
As of Tuesday, and after a battery of tests, South African runner Caster Semenya has been proven to be female and is cleared to race as such in events around the world. Sources say that Elena Kagan is next up for testing.
And finally, scientists announced this week that neck measurements are better indicators of body fat than BMI, particularly if the neck touches the chest. Researchers went on to say that you could also assess someone’s level of obesity by measuring the width of their backside. Or simply by looking at them.
That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…I just got sentenced to 90 days of Lindsay Lohan.
Breaking the News - June 25, 2010
Posted on June 25th, 2010
The President hasn’t relieved us of our duties, so The Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s I’m an Idiot Show talk about money, larger than life celebrities, Miley’s mini mouse and ketchup. Because you should always use condiments.
Breaking the News - June 25, 2010 is also available on Vimeo.
The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators: @joeschmitt, @arjunbasu, @bedheadblonde, @blobert, Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW, @davio1962, @donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @goldengateblonde, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch, @iamnotdiddy, @iowaradioguy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @northpacific, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslich Sam Battin, @ShawnaShawna, @slag_mag, @succitaM, @TheInfamousGdub, @thejohnblog, @unfnshdrambler, @yayaa.
Transcript
Happy Friday! Here are some headlines from this week…sort of.
In our top story, the now former U.S. commander in Afghanistan, General Stanley McChrystal, was recalled to Washington after telling Rolling Stone magazine he was disappointed in President Obama. The President held a lengthy meeting with McChrystal, during which sources say the commander in chief told the General to “drop and give me 20.”
In an effort to raise revenue, California lawmakers are considering a bill that will place advertisements on the state’s license plates. Experts agree that if there’s one place California drivers look most often, it’s the license plate of the car in front of them.
In international news, after much prodding by the U.S. government, China announced it would finally allow its currency to rise against the American dollar. They also announced that they would be adding lead to it, because, “why not?”
Spurred on by nations such as Japan, Iceland and Norway, the International Whaling Commission began talks on whether or not to lift the 24-year moratorium on commercial whaling. In a possibly related development, Kirstie Alley has announced that she refuses to swim in open waters.
More than 20,000 people gathered at Stonehenge to celebrate Summer Solstice this past Monday. Once they stopped skipping and chanting, British authorities put them in cages and will exhibit them in developing nations, state fairs and the remaining Ripley’s Believe it or Nots.
Earlier this week, Sri Lankan President Rajapaksa denounced his critics during a lavish victory pageant. He then taunted everyone by challenging them to say his name ten times fast.
In business news, Amazon decided to slash the price of its e-ink reader, Kindle, acknowledging that Apple’s iPad can do everything the Kindle can do and then some. Following suit, book seller Barnes and Noble reduced the price of its worthless e-reader, and then added that their devices are now 8-track and Betamax compatible.
Shares of ketchup maker Heinz soared after reports surfaced that it had purchased one of China’s largest makers of soy sauce, Foodstar. Stock analysts predict that consumers will now use ketchup, and then use it again fifteen minutes later.
A recent study found that more and more doctors are refusing Medicare patients. Inside sources say physicians are tired of the same old arthritis, overactive bladder and arrhythmia cases and want to see, “more stuff like they have on House.”
In entertainment news, American Idol announced that it’s dropping the minimum age of contestants to 15. Hollywood insiders say this move follows complaints by the show’s host, Ryan Seacrest, that the contestants are always taller than him.
Singer and Lilith Fair poster child, Vanessa Carlton, announced at a recent concert that she is a “proud bisexual woman.” When pressed for comments, spokespeople from both genders replied, “thanks, but no thanks.”
Up in Canada, Miley Cyrus ended up showcasing more than she bargained for at the MuchMusic Video Awards, including her inability to sing or dance and her…um…minnie mouse. However, most Americans were surprised not by the wardrobe malfunction but by the fact that Canada has TV at all.
And finally, studies show that members of Generation Y are getting married at a later age than their counterparts in previous generations. Many young adults cite not being able to decide which set of parents to live with as the main obstacle to marriage.
That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…General McChrystal is disappointed.
Breaking the News - June 18, 2010
Posted on June 18th, 2010
This week, if you can hear us over the vuvuzelas, The Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s I’m an Idiot Show will tell you all about how to get campaign contributions from BP, why eating at Sizzler may or may not be a good idea and Jimmy Dean’s final wishes. Tear yourself away from the World Cup for 5 minutes of your life you’ll never get back.
Breaking the News - June 18, 2010 is also available on Vimeo.
The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators: @joeschmitt, @arjunbasu, @bedheadblonde, @blobert, Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW, @davio1962, @donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @goldengateblonde, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch, @iamnotdiddy, @iowaradioguy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @northpacific, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslich Sam Battin, @ShawnaShawna, @slag_mag, @succitaM, @TheInfamousGdub, @thejohnblog, @unfnshdrambler, @yayaa. (And these peeps too: @AshamedToSay, @giromide, @jinxybee, @heathermitch, Sara)
For the actual stories
Transcript
Happy Friday! Here are some headlines from this week…sort of.
In our top story, Republican Representative Joe Barton of Texas startled his colleagues when he apologized to British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward for the “shakedown” by the White House. In a House committee hearing, Barton referred to the White House’s demand that BP set up a $20 billion slush fund as a “tragedy,” and then apologized to BP for all of the fish and salt water presently befouling the company’s new Gulf of Mexico oil fountain. He later also apologized to Americans when it became clear that even his Republican colleagues thought he had gone too far. And then he became a Canadian.
In a related story, House Representative Anh “Joseph” Cao of Louisiana suggested that BP executives commit ritual suicide in the wake of their handling of the Gulf oil disaster. When he suggested hara-kiri, older lawmakers misheard the name of legendary announcer Harry Carey and stood up and sang a rousing rendition of “Take Me Out to the Ball Game!”
Also in Washington, at a Senate hearing on Tuesday, General David Petraeus slumped over unexpectedly as Sen. John McCain was questioning him about military actions in Afghanistan. The General’s wife said there was no cause for concern, claiming, “He does the same thing every time I ask him to take out the garbage.”
In a final story from Capitol Hill, reports surfaced this week that the Obama White House is getting tough on leaks. Pundits everywhere now refer to Obama as President Huggies.
After coming under intense criticism for a new law that targets anyone suspected of being an illegal immigrant, Arizona lawmakers have introduced a bill to deny citizenship to the American born children of illegal immigrants. An Arizona lawmaker assured the public that the law is humane, saying in a press conference, “At least we’re not going to shoot them.”
Also in Arizona, last week police arrested nine undocumented workers at two Sizzler steak houses in Phoenix. As a result, the restaurant has released a new menu, on which not a single item is less than $100, reflecting the actual costs of hiring legal workers.
The New York Times’ standards editor has asked writers to abstain from using “tweet” as a verb, calling it too colloquial. From now on, he suggests saying that someone “mind-farted on Twitter.” Times editors will, however, continue to use the term “bling” because they believe in keeping their young readers interested.
Pork patriarch, Jimmy Dean, passed away in his home on Sunday. Sources close to the family say services have not yet been scheduled as Mr. Dean has a shelf life of several years.
In sports news, the FIFA World Cup started in South Africa last week. And as World Cup fever gripped America, we sent out our cameras to capture the excitement.
[CLIP] Man 1: What’s a FIFA? Woman 1: Ok, so, I don’t get why they have to call it football. Woman 2: Is South Africa a country like South America or what? Woman 3: So, which country is Brett Favre playing for? Woman 4: I don’t really “watch” the games. I just keep the sound off and keep my “personal massager” by my side.
That does sound exciting.
Meanwhile, the use of vuvuzelas — a long plastic horn popular with South African soccer fans — at the World Cup has sparked international debate about the level of tolerable noise at a sporting event. With this in mind, experts have put together a list of other debatable sounds that may or may not be music to our ears, including: Fran Dresher’s laugh, car alarms at 4 in the morning, Nickelback, the one shopping cart I always get and fans of Justin Bieber among others.
And finally, red-faced officials at Wendy’s restaurants had to pull millions of CDs from kid’s meals this week when some parents objected to Donna Summer’s 70s disco hit “Last Dance,” which was included on the compilation, because it’s “so, so, so bad.” The restaurant chain promptly replaced the CDs with South African vuvuzelas.
That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…(inaudible over vuvuzela) it must have been the vuvuzela.
Breaking the News - June 11, 2010
Posted on June 11th, 2010
This week we eat our shirts, hold you closer and get the <bleep> out of Palestine, but only if you enjoy our headlines…shaken, not stirred.
Breaking the News - June 11, 2010 is also available on Vimeo.
The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators: @joeschmitt, @arjunbasu, @bedheadblonde, @blobert, Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW, @davio1962, @donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @goldengateblonde, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch,@iamnotdiddy, @iowaradioguy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @northpacific, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslich Sam Battin, @ShawnaShawna, @slag_mag, @succitaM, @TheInfamousGdub, @thejohnblog, @unfnshdrambler, @yayaa. (And these peeps too: @auntmarvel, @heathermitch)
For the actual stories
Transcript
Happy Friday! Here are some headlines from this week…sort of.
In our top story, long time White House reporter Helen Thomas retired last weekend after controversy erupted when she told a rabbi at the White House that the Israelis should “get the hell out of Palestine.” Thomas claims that she was misunderstood when her dentures suffered a Fixodent malfunction and that what she really said was, “I collect shells as a pastime?” Sources confirm that she often rambles incoherently, but always ends her statements as a question, just in case it’s her turn.
In the continuing story from the Gulf of Mexico, BP announced that it will be spilling nuclear waste into the gulf, adding green to the already black and brown patterns on top of the water. Officials from the company hope the “camouflage” pattern will make the mess on the Gulf hard to recognize.
The US Labor department has reported that only 431,000 new jobs were added last month; the lowest increase since January. Adding to the disappointment, the Labor Department went on to note that more than 90% of those jobs were temporary US Census workers and the other 10% were factory workers hired to attach suspenders to empty barrels.
In order to reduce waste, the state of California made progress toward their efforts to ban plastic shopping bags this week. However, state lawmakers were quick to assure constituents that dimebags will still be perfectly legal under the new law.
In international news, the Japanese Prime Minister, Yukio Hatoyama, resigned recently because he failed to honor a campaign promise. When former governor Rod Blagojevich heard this, he laughed and asked, “No, seriously, why is he resigning?”
Reports surfaced this week that textile manufacturers have developed “smart clothes” that comfort the wearers. We sent out our cameras to get an expert’s view on this new fashion trend.
CLIP: Finally! Shirts made of chocolate!
In other technology news, on Monday Steve Jobs unveiled Apple’s new iPhone, expected to be released later this summer. Early reviews suggest it tastes more like regular Dr. Pepper.
Doctors writing for the Drug and Therapeutics Bulletin argued this week that male menopause does, in fact, exist. Women around the world had the following to say about this finding.
CLIP: Men can’t hit menopause– it’s not on the remote!
So true.
Tragically, a woman in Tennessee was struck by lightning and died this week, just before her boyfriend was about to propose. Theology and weather experts confirmed that never has there been a clearer sign from God not to get married.
In sports news this week, Jose Canseco told a grand jury that he doesn’t believe Roger Clemens took steroids because he’s never seen him use. Under cross-examination he said he was pretty sure, since this ranked very high on his No Way Jose meter.
In other sports news, Canadian figure skaters and medalists, Jamie Sale and David Pelletier, announced that they will be getting divorced. We go now to the newsroom for the full report.
CLIP: Sale said she filed for divorce after Pelletier refused to stop calling her a “triple sow cow.” Jamie went on to say that she doesn’t give a “flying sit spin” what happens to David. She never signed up for the “long program” and plans to “skate freestyle” from now on. She also originally wanted to wait for his “death spiral,” but there are rarely fatal accidents in pairs skating. (Except for that one Russian guy.) The whole thing has thrown them both for a “triple toe loop.” Live from the newsroom, I’m Estelle Attit. Back to you, Kathy.
You really know your skating terms.
In entertainment news, Rush Limbaugh held a lavish wedding in Palm Beach Florida on Saturday. The Hawaiian-themed ceremony was highlighted by a performance of Sir Elton John, singer, songwriter, openly gay man and outspoken gay rights activist. Asked to comment on why he decided to play for a man who’s always fought against gay rights, Sir Elton said, “the only thing more important to me than integrity is money. And Tony Danza.”
And finally, in a related story Alanis Morissette married her singer/rapper boyfriend, Souleye, in a recent ceremony. In a surprising twist it did not rain on their wedding day, which we find ironic. Isn’t it? That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…I’m getting the Hell out of Palestine. Or collecting shells as a pastime.
Breaking the News - June 4, 2010
Posted on June 4th, 2010
The Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s “I’m an Idiot” Show stayed together to break the news for you this week while the Gores split up their marriage, the Celine Dions split an embryo and some Indonesian kid splits a pack with his mom. Enjoy, and be cool to each other.
Breaking the News - June 4, 2010 is also available on Vimeo.
The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators: @joeschmitt, @arjunbasu, @bedheadblonde, @blobert, Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW, @davio1962, @donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @goldengateblonde, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch,@iamnotdiddy, @iowaradioguy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslich Sam Battin, @ShawnaShawna, @slag_mag, @succitaM, @TheInfamousGdub, @thejohnblog, @unfnshdrambler, @yayaa. (And these peeps too: Margo, @fensterbaby, @jinxybee, Amy Gray, Pamela, @auntmarvel)
For the actual stories
Transcript
Happy Friday! Here are some headlines from this week…sort of.
In our top story this week, former Vice President Al Gore is separating from his wife Tipper after 40 years of marriage. Sources confirm that Mr. Gore has failed in his attempt to invent the open marriage.
For a more in depth look at this story, we go now to Canadian, Arjun Basu. Arjun.
[CLIP]
There once was a couple named Gore
Who grew into the country’s great bore.
She wanted a man with a Presidential plan
And he just wanted more of a whore.
She said he was full of hot air
He called her a bear way “down there.”
He said “You’re not so chipper for a gal named Tipper”
And she slapped him in his fat derriere.
Thank you for that well-informed report, eh.
For more perspectives on the Gore split, we sent our cameras out to see how Americans feel about the breakup.
[CLIP]
WOMAN 1: Tipper?! I hardly know ‘er!
WOMAN 2: Who gets divorced after forty years?! Next we’ll hear that Keith Richards is leaving the Rolling Stones.
MAN 1: The last straw was when Tipper called Al a “gas bag.”
WOMAN 3: I heard Al told Tipper to lower her emissions “or else…”
WOMAN 4: All I’m saying is, never promise a lady she’s gonna live in a big White House, unless you’re gonna make good on it.
WOMAN 5: And the Clintons are still married? Amazing!
WOMAN 6: Well, I guess it’s official…everybody finds Al Gore boring.
Thank you, Americans.
In business news, Hewlett-Packard announced that it would be cutting 9,000 jobs on Tuesday. A spokesperson for the computer and accessories giant claimed the cuts were necessary as, “all the toner cartridges have finally been replaced.”
In other business news, Foxconn, the Chinese company that produces the iPhone, suffered its 10th employee suicide last week. Witnesses report that the man’s final words were “Give me Flash or give me death!”
In international news, a 2-year-old Indonesian boy has developed a 40 cigarette-a-day smoking habit. The mother defended her toddler’s smoking, saying, “it’s no big deal, he only likes to smoke while he’s drinking, and how many other 2-year-olds can count to 40.”
Here in the States, disgraced former governor Rod Blagojevich requested that the Supreme Court delay his corruption trial, which is set to begin this week, asking, among other things, that the Court decide whether or not the charges against him are constitutional. Other reasons Blagojevich gave for delaying his trial include:
• An endangered bird species has nested in his hair, which will inevitably die from the conditions of a courtroom.
• He needs time in case he gets called for Project Runway.
• He’s booked as an Elvis impressionist at the Sands next week.
• He needs some time to get addicted to heroin so he can appear on Celebrity Rehab.
• And, he can prove that Obama’s chair in the Senate was made of gold, and that he meant nothing sinister by his claim that the seat was “golden.”
The former governor’s complete list can be found at www.breakingthenews.tv.
In Utah, Lauren Rosenberg is suing Google for medical expenses and punitive damages because she was hit by a car when she followed Google Map directions to walk down a state highway with no sidewalk. Miss Rosenberg claims that this has been the most embarrassing incident of her life since that time she used Web MD to distinguish her ass from a hole in the ground.
And finally, in entertainment news, at age 42, Celine Dion is pregnant with twins. Dion’s husband-manager, 94-year-old Rene Angelil, woke from his thrice-daily nap and was thrilled to learn he’d be having two more grandchildr–uh, children. The couple does not yet know the gender of their twins, but they have assured fans that the birth will take place on a stage in Vegas surrounded by showgirls, millions of dollars in special effects, seven camels, a Rolls Royce and a giant vat of Poutine. Sources say good seats are still available.
That’s it, I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…I’m divorcing Al Gore.
Breaking the News - May 28, 2010
Posted on May 28th, 2010
The Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s “I’m an Idiot” Show break the news while Koreans play games, diving birds dive into oblivion and a young someone goes to fetch a pail of water.
Breaking the News - May 28, 2010 is also available on Vimeo.
The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators: @joeschmitt, @arjunbasu, @bedheadblonde, @blobert, Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW, @davio1962, @donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @goldengateblonde, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch,@iamnotdiddy, @iowaradioguy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslich Sam Battin, @ShawnaShawna, @slag_mag, @succitaM, @TheInfamousGdub, @thejohnblog, @unfnshdrambler, @yayaa. (And these peeps too: Jihan, @heathermitch, @jinxybee)
For the actual stories
Transcript
Happy Friday! Here are SOME headlines from this week…sort of.
In our top story, tensions on the Korean peninsula mounted this week as South Korea continued to accuse North Korea acts of aggression, claiming in a statement to UN leadership, “They sunk our battleship.” The South Korean military spent much of this week engaged in psychological warfare, blaring Western pop music across the border and shouting details about the “Lost” finale before North Korean soldiers had a chance to watch it. In a sure sign that North Korea is preparing for protracted war, Kim Jong-Il tripled his normal order of women’s sunglasses and hair gel.
Here at home, reports surfaced of hundreds of pieces of undelivered mail from the early 1990s found in a Michigan postman’s shed. Some items discovered include: that last rent check you said you mailed me; a thank you note to Grandma for your 1991 Bar Mitzvah gift; and that letter you wrote breaking up with your girlfriend while you were still dating because you didn’t want to string her along. Also found buried deep in the pile, the best ever plan to save Detroit.
This week Huggies launched Jean Diapers for babies with discerning tastes. We hit the streets to find out what people really think about these new Jean Diapers:
[CLIP]
(Woman 1) I’m holding out for the skinny jean diapers for babies.
(Man 1) For a few extra dollars you can get the stone washed ones.
(Woman 2) So, does this mean that my kid doesn’t have to wear pants over the jean diapers? Does this mean that I can wear the jean diapers and forget about the pants?
(Woman 3) Do hipster babies wear super tight Huggies? And, if so, what do hip hop babies wear? And how low rise can a diaper get?
I can’t un-hear that.
On Monday, obeying the terms of her 2007 drunk driving arrest, Lindsey Lohan appeared before a Beverly Hills Superior Court judge. The judge ruled that in order to remain free on bond, Ms. Lohan must begin random drug tests, wear an alcohol monitoring bracelet, and convince Disney to change the name of “Herbie: Fully Loaded” to “Herbie: Safe and Sober.”
In a related story, the Alaotra Grebe, a small diving bird found only on one lake in Madagascar, was officially listed as extinct recently. Authorities predict that the next diving bird to be declared extinct will likely be Lindsay Lohan.
In other entertainment news, rap mogul Suge Knight denied pointing a gun in a man’s face this week, saying in a statement to the press that he’s “100 percent innocent.” Sources say that earlier in the day Knight had said he was 98% innocent, but then his legal team checked his math.
U2 front man, Bono, underwent emergency back surgery this week. Surgeons surmise that Bono’s back finally gave out after decades of carrying around his inflated ego.
And finally, on Saturday, 13-year-old American Jordan Romero became the youngest person to climb Mount Everest. All of us here at Breaking the News wish to congratulate him and his team, and say enjoy a disappointing life, Jordan, because it’s all downhill from here!
That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…I sunk your battleship.
