Kathy Reads Celebrity Tweets - The Nov. 8 One

Posted on November 8th, 2013

I am totally obsessed with celebrity tweets. You can see why.

Keep tweeting @BrandiGlanville, @NekoCase, @leannrimes, @DomsWildThings, @joshgroban and @msleamichele because nothing is better than celebrities on Twitter.

Just. Nothing.

Kathy Reads Celebrity Tweets - The Oct. 18 One

Posted on October 19th, 2013

I thank the internet cats every day that there are celebrities on Twitter. They make my life complete.

For the love of all things 140 characters or less, keep tweeting @TerrellOwens, @SeanLowe09 & @clmgiudici, @iamcolinquinn, @ParisHilton, @YokoOno and @UncleRUSH.

Kathy Reads Celebrity Tweets - The Oct. 11 One

Posted on October 14th, 2013

I’m super obsessed with celebrities on Twitter, so I thought I’d read some of the awesome tweets they post to show you why I love that they’re there.

Thanks to @JasonBiggs, @JoseCanseco, @ChloeGMoretz, @zachbraff, @tyrabanks and @cher for their priceless contributions to the Twitterverse.

Because nothing beats celebrities on Twitter. Just. Nothing.

An Idiot’s Understanding of Fiscal Cliff

Posted on November 9th, 2012

In an effort to help everyone understand what they’re talking about on the news, I made this picture.

I hope this clears things up.

photo credit: Carsey-Werner Company

photo credit: Carsey-Werner Company

Your Stupid Advice - “Do I have feelings for someone?”

Posted on September 26th, 2011

Sometimes it’s difficult to know whether or not you have feelings for someone.

I think.

If you ask me, there’s a better way. And, wouldn’t you know it? Someone did ask me.

Join us over at Your Stupid Advice for the answer to this and several other questions.

Breaking the News - BEST WEEK EVER 2011

Posted on September 20th, 2011

SLIGHTLY NSFW

The Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s “I’m an Idiot” Show believe that last week maybe have been the BEST WEEK OF NEWS EVER! Sarah Palin had a romantic tryst. Pat Robertson got soft on divorce. Scarlett Johannson sent naked pics to the whole internet. Charlie Sheen is sane again?! Even Spongebob got in a little trouble for us. Of course, Warner Music Group busted us for including Spongebob’s song “The Best Day Ever” in our little newscast, so we had to re-edit. This version should prevent us from stealing any big bucks out of poor wittle WMG’s pockets.

The non-busted version of Breaking the News - BEST WEEK EVER 2011 is also available on Vimeo.

For the actual stories

Rogue Baller

Pity Party Crashers

American Scarelines

Forget Pat Robertson

Honkers if You Love Jesus

Oh Wow. Do Not Read the Eel Story

Hell’s Crotchin’

Players Make Passes and Score

Hopefully He Does the Laugh

Fudgestruck

Crazy Lost its Sheen

Scarlett Goes Harlot

Spongebob Tanks

Transcript

Hi! Last week was probably the BEST WEEK OF NEWS EVER. Here are some headlines. Sort of.

In our top story from the BEST WEEK OF NEWS EVER, a new book revealed that Sarah Palin once had a romantic tryst with then college basketball star, Glen Rice. Critics of Palin, however, say this is all just a farce aimed at gaining the votes of a demographic she doesn’t reach. People who read books and study things.

In other useless people who don’t belong in Washington news, during the BEST WEEK OF NEWS EVER, the White House gate-crashing couple Tareq and Michaele Salahi are getting a divorce after Michaele, who had been reported missing by her husband, was found safe and sound in the open arms of Journey guitarist Neal Schon. The cuckolded husband said in a statement, “Apparently the only crashing my wife has been doing lately is on the couches of aging rock stars.”

On the anniversary of the September 11th attacks, during the BEST WEEK OF NEWS EVER, military jets escorted an American Airlines flight after 3 passengers refused to leave the bathroom. When questioned about the apparent overreaction, a flight attendant on board explained, “If you had smelled what was coming out of there, you’d want keep us out of your airspace, too.” Officials say the contents of the bathroom were safely evacuated over the skies of Canada.

Also during the BEST WEEK OF NEWS EVER, on his Christian talk show, the 700 Club, Pat Robertson told viewers that it was acceptable to divorce a spouse with Alzheimers disease. Coincidentally, when asked to comment, Mrs. Robertson said, “Who? What? Where am I?”

In a related story, some religious groups are now attempting to get closer to God by adding physical fitness to their worship, in the form of pole dancing. Theologians agree that this means the new answer to the question “What would Jesus do?” is “Carry a big fat wad of singles.”

It was also the BEST WEEK OF INTERNATIONAL NEWS EVER, as a man in China had to have a 15 centimeter eel removed from his bladder after it swam up his penis during a spa visit. (Kathy shudders) Richard Gere was unavailable for comment.

Also during THE BEST WEEK OF INTERNATIONAL NEWS EVER, a dwarf porn star who was Gordon Ramsay’s near double was found dead and partially eaten in a badger’s den in the U.K. The badger later apologized for his mistake and promised to get the right guy next time.

In the BEST WEEK OF SPORTS NEWS EVER, the first week if the NFL season included record amounts of passing and scoring. All without a single Brett Favre crotch photo.

In the BEST WEEK OF ENTERTAINMENT NEWS EVER, the Academy of Arts and Sciences announced that Eddie Murphy will host the next broadcast of the Oscars. When reached for comment, Murphy said, “I’m gonna what now?”

In other Hollywood news during the BEST WEEK OF NEWS EVER, at the Toronto Film Festival, Nicolas Cage confessed that he once woke up to find a naked man in his bedroom eating a fudgesicle. He went on to say that the man finally left after he got tired of Cage begging him to put him in a movie. (pleads) ANY MOVIE.

Also in Hollywood during the BEST WEEK OF NEWS EVER, Charlie Sheen appeared on the Tonight Show and agreed that he had been behaving in an insane manner and couldn’t explain why, but seems now to be perfectly normal. Inside sources say this proves that Jay Leno can take the funny out of anyone.

Wrapping up the BEST WEEK OF NEWS EVER in Hollywood, somehow, nude self-portraits of Scarlett Johannson taken with her mobile phone made it onto the internet for everyone to see. Ok. Show’s over!

That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…screw this. I’m gonna go find those pics.

Credits to Spongebob Squarepants “The Best Day Ever”

Breaking the News - August 17, 2011

Posted on August 16th, 2011

The Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s “I’m an Idiot” Show have finished sliding on the straw pole long enough to tell what’s new with Charlie Sheen, Joan Rivers, Lindsay Lohan and Octomom. Pay no attention to the fact that we’re staring intently at your hands.

The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators: @joeschmitt,@arjunbasu@almostfancyblog@blobert, Bonehead Radio@CowboyW@davio1962@donchiefnerd,@DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker@formerlycarrmah@goldengateblond, Gregory Battin,@heathermitch, @iamnotdiddy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee@joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein,@northpacific@penbleth@rexhuppke@ripslich Sam Battin, @ShawnaShawna@slag_mag,@succitaM@thejohnblog@unfnshdprsn@yayaa.

For the actual stories

Poll Dancing

Pole-ite Greeting

It’s All in the Hand

Space Code

Everlasting Joanyfish

Crystal Blue Persuasion

Where Careers Go to Die

8 Babies Bawling

Jed Had His Sponges Removed

Transcript

Happy Random Day of the Week! Here are some headlines. Sort of.

In our top story, Michele Bachmann won the Straw Poll in Iowa over the weekend. Sources confirm that she was the only candidate who could slide down it in a thong without getting splinters. A wise Tim Pawlenty dropped out of the race.

In a related story, after her victory in Iowa, Michele Bachmann announced that when she’s elected President, she will walk out onto the stage to the tune of Hungry Eyes.

A man in Louisiana was arrested at a Walmart for exposing his erect penis to shoppers there. The police later released the man after learning that he was the Walmart greeter and, according to a spokesperson “That little guy always points to low prices. Always.”

In a related story, researchers have discovered a new, non-invasive way to discern a man’s penis size, without asking him and thereby forcing him into some lie. They have confirmed that it does indeed correlate to the type and value of the car he drives.

In other science news, researchers have found evidence of DNA in space. When examined under a high-powered microscope, the DNA appeared to be wearing cut-off jeans and hanging out with two other strung out DNA molecules, proving that Charlie Sheen really is from Mars.

Also in science news, scientists have discovered a jellyfish that can regenerate itself indefinitely and live forever. They have named it Joan Rivers.

In Hollywood news, Lindsay Lohan was videotaped exchanging money and a plastic bag with several men in Venice, California recently. When outed by a gossip blog, Lohan said in a statement, “Those weren’t drugs, those were crystals…from my good friend, Meth.”

Also in Hollywood, in a recent interview, Tatum O’Neal revealed that she went to L.A. to die. Sources close to the actress confirm that she has crossed that off her bucket list after her appearance on Dancing with the Stars.

Octomom, Nadya Suleman, said in a recent interview that she was drugged when she consented to implanting 12 embryos. According to Suleman, “All I remember was 10 lords a-leaping, 11 pipers piping, 12 drummers drumming…nodding off a bit, and then BAM. I thought I was getting 12 drummers drumming, dammit.”

In a related story, all of America declares that it would like to be drugged into forgetting about Nadya Suleman.

And finally, reports have surfaced that Granny had a boob job. Inside sources say this explains why Jethro spent so much time with her.

That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…I slid down the straw pole.

credits

Urgh. My dinner is burning.

Breaking the News - July 22, 2011

Posted on July 22nd, 2011

The Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s “I’m an Idiot” Show fully support the U.S. paying down its debt while earning rewards with Capital One. They also wonder how Michele Bachmann could function any less effectively, why Bill Gates has to reinvent the toilet and donde esta the landfall. Happy Friday!


The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators: @joeschmitt, @arjunbasu, @almostfancyblog@blobert, Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW, @davio1962, @donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @formerlycarrmah, @goldengateblond, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch, @iamnotdiddy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @northpacific, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslich Sam Battin, @ShawnaShawna, @slag_mag, @succitaM@thejohnblog, @unfnshdprsn, @yayaa.

Transcript

Happy Friday! Here are some headlines. Sort of.

In our top story, Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner announced a “Plan B” as debt ceiling debates continued to stall. In a hastily organized press conference, Geithner presented his plan saying, “It’s so obvious. I don’t know why the President didn’t think of it. We simply transfer the balance to a 0% APR Capital One rewards card and then try really hard to pay it down. Meanwhile, we collect trillions of points and reward miles that we can hopefully to put toward our mission to Mars.”

When asked during a recent appearance how chronic migraines might affect her ability to lead the nation, Michele Bachmann responded saying, “I’d like to be abundantly clear. My ability to function effectively will not affect my ability to serve as Commander in Chief.” Political pundits agree that she makes a good point, as most Commanders in Chief do not function effectively.

Outspoken abstinence-only education advocate and strict “no sex before marriage” crusader, Sarah Palin, will for the second time, become the grandparent of a child conceived out of wedlock. A source close to the family said in an anonymous statement, “It’s clear the Palins have two faces, but no condoms.”

In international news, the ongoing phone hacking scandal in Great Britain has so far closed the best selling newspaper in the country; seen the arrest of some of the closest aides to Rupert Murdoch, the resignation of the chief of the London police, the tarnishing of countless reputations in the fields of politics, media and entertainment, and the revival of public interest in Hugh Grant. Hugh Grant was so excited to do something good for a change that he immediately went out and celebrated with a prostitute.

Former International Monetary Fund leader, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, was recently released from house arrest, after the prosecution’s potential rape case against him hit a few snags. The turning point of the case was Strauss-Kahn’s successful use of the Shaggy Defense when he took the stand: But she caught me on the counter (It wasn’t me); Saw me bangin’ on the sofa (It wasn’t me); I even had her in the shower (It wasn’t me); She even caught me on camera (It wasn’t me); She saw the marks on my shoulder (It wasn’t me); Heard the words that I told her (It wasn’t me); Heard the screams gettin’ louder (It wasn’t me)…

Malaysia airlines announced recently that it will no longer permit babies to fly first class. A spokesperson for the airline said in a statement, “The reason for the policy is simple. When babies are in first class it’s not first class anymore. Also, people who whine about services and policies are next.”

Hurricane Dora continues to grow and threaten the Pacific coast of Mexico, according to the talking map. However, meteorologists indicated in a press conference that the path of the storm is still somewhat unpredictable, saying, “Donde esta ‘The Landfall?!’”

Back at home, the state of Indiana has cut its schools’ cursive writing requirements. School officials say, in order to keep up with modern conventions, students will now have to master Comic Sans.

Microsoft founder Bill Gates has pledged to donate 42 million dollars to reinvent the toilet. Rumors have surfaced about the functionality of the new stoolware including possible usability instructions, user interface assistants and error messages, such as: Toilet 7 has detected an error in your kernels. Click here to unback-up your Microsoft Toilet. Toilet 7 did not completely shutdown on its previous attempt and recommends opening all windows. A user assistant who pops up and says: I noticed you were trying to flush but haven’t finished business. Do you need my help? And: To get Toilet 7 working again simply Control+Alt+Excrete.

In a related story, company officials from Taco Bell say they, like many of their customers, are still hurting from their recent beef issues. The company said in a press release that sales have really taken a dump and continue to slide downward.

Feminine product company, Always, will reportedly be the first to show blood in a maxi-pad commercial. After market testing, the 5 men on the planet who actually purchase the products for their wives said they would definitely stop now that they know what they’re using them for.

And finally, speaking of feminine hygiene products, Glenn Beck has announced plans to start a charity clothing line, called 1791. Each item of clothing will be sewn with material made from Beck’s tears and will come with a free handkerchief.

That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…I wasn’t functioning effectively.

credits

Donde esta Your Insurance Papers? Vamanos!

(Stuck in your head? Download Shaggy here: tunes.apple.com/us/artist/shaggy/id68616)

Episode 22 - They Let Me on the Radio (Now Who’s the Idiot?)

Posted on July 20th, 2011

Watch out world! I’m starting to worm my way into the mainstream media.

Star102 morning co-host, Colleen, is due to have a baby in a couple of weeks. Every Wednesday while she’s out on maternity leave, a different listener will fill in for her for the day.

Since I’m a media whore and am not busy being Charlie Sheen’s social media intern for the summer, I thought I’d give it a shot. It’s not like I’m doing anything else. Especially not between the hours of 5am and 9am on a Wednesday.

My phone audition was ridiculous enough to pass the test, so they had me come in to audition live with the morning crew, to make sure I wouldn’t crack under the pressure of the red “On Air” light, or sit quietly in a corner, pretending to be blown by a wind only I can feel. (You know, in case I prefer miming, which doesn’t go over to well with a listening audience.)

This was my on air experience.

What have they gotten themselves into?

Breaking the News - June 28, 2011

Posted on June 28th, 2011

The Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s “I’m an Idiot” Show are disappointed that the Sarah Palin bus tour won’t make it to their towns, but it’s o.k., because they’ll be busy trying to get on the list for LiLo’s family reunion and figuring out how to charge their laptops doing common, everyday activities.

Breaking the News - June 28, 2011 is also available on Vimeo.

The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators: @joeschmitt, @arjunbasu, @almostfancyblog@blobert, Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW, @davio1962, @donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @formerlycarrmah, @goldengateblond, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch, @iamnotdiddy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @northpacific, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslich Sam Battin, @ShawnaShawna, @slag_mag, @succitaM@thejohnblog, @unfnshdprsn, @yayaa.

For the actual stories

Sarah Bon Jovi

It’s Only Fun if We Bomb

Al-Qaeda Would Smell As Sweet

Apples Are Food to Them

Go On a Trans-Gender Flight

Salad Is Bad for You

Can’t Have Dust if We’ve Never Been

Womb for Two

Arrested, Baby, Arrested

LiLo is a Stitch

Crank Start

Transcript

Happy Tuesday! Here are some headlines from the last week. Sort of.

In our top story, Sarah Palin has announced that she will be suspending her bus tour, halfway through its itinerary. A source who had been on the tour said in a statement, “Ms. Palin felt it was sufficient that we made it halfway there, because we had been oh oh livin’ on a prayer.”

In news from the Hill, the House is considering moving to cut off funding for the mission in Libya. When asked why, House Republicans said “We kind of lost interest once we stopped bombing them.”

Documents recovered from Osama bin Laden’s Pakistani hideout reveal that he was considering changing the name of al-Qaeda, because he felt the terrorist group was losing the marketing war. However, he never made the change because his top choice, “New Coke,” didn’t score well in focus groups.

Researchers have confirmed the existence of a previously unknown, indigenous tribe in the Amazon. Reports indicate the tribe is so uncivilized its people are still using Windows 98 on Gateway computers.

U.S. Airways allowed a cross-dressing traveler, wearing only a tank top and women’s underwear onto a recent flight. Sources say the airline is launching a new international travel campaign, which includes the slogan “I’ve seen London, I’ve seen France, and now I’ve seen grandpa in your underpants.”

Produce company, Dole, has issued a recall on its blended salads. Millions of kids across the country looked their mothers straight in the eye, stuck out their tongues and said, “I told you so.”

Missing moon dust was found at a St. Louis auction house and returned to the Johnson Space Center. U.S. Attorney Rich Callahan said in a statement, “The truth is, it’s not much to look at. I think you just have to believe it’s there.”

In international news, a British woman is going to donate her womb to her daughter so she can reproduce. In a recent press conference, the woman said, “When she said she wanted an old sack for her birthday, I had no idea this is what she had in mind.”

Whitey Bulger, the 81-year old head of the Boston mob, was finally arrested at an apartment complex in California after being on the lam for more than 15 years. When asked to comment, he said his only regret was that he never “got” Ben Affleck.

Late last week, a judge told Lindsay Lohan she can no longer have parties at her home while she’s under house arrest. The judge’s orders dictate that LiLo can only have one friend at her home at any time, but she can host an unlimited number of family members and business associates. According to a list provided to the court, Lohan’s coke dealer is her new manager and the owner of her neighborhood liquor store is a long lost uncle.

And finally, in tech news, a new study indicates that we could soon see laptops powered by typing. However, scientists have no prediction as to when they will develop a truly unlimited, renewable source of computer power, laptops powered by masturbating.

That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken, I was only charging the battery!